JEKYLL AND HYDE

Tonight was gym night, I need to get buff for the ladies ya know. Actually, funny side story - I was walking home from the gym when an overweight Hispanic woman wearing really trashy clothes passed by me on the sidewalk. She looked my up and down and then made the yummy sound. You know, "mmmmmmmm." I couldn't help but laugh the rest of the way home like a lunatic. That was too funny. I think she may have been a prostitute but I'm still taking it as a compliment damn it!

Back to the original point of the post - there I am feeling hamster-esque on the treadmill with my headphones blaring away. I fall into my typical daydream state and begin to imagine myself in all kinds of different situations. I see myself in different jobs, living in different places, all kinds of things. The one constant in this fantasy is how I see myself. I spoke in a previous post that I have dueling demeanor's. I can be an outgoing, friendly, conversation facilitator, or I can be a content, quiet observer. In my fantasy I'm always the outgoing, friendly facilitator.

I would wager that it's common sense that I would see myself this way in my dreams, who enjoys watching themselves as a corner lamp? But it begs the question, am I taking advantage of what I consider a kind of skill? Since as far back as I can remember I've been good at relating to people. I don't always enjoy playing the part of the outgoing, friendly facilitator BUT I think it's something I'm good at.

I wonder if I shouldn't reserve the corner lamp for home use only.

IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!

I was watching an interview on PBS this evening featuring Charles Simic, the new Poet Laureate of the United States. At one point during the interview the questioner asked, "why is poetry important?" Mr. Simic responded with the following (I'm paraphrasing), "While teaching one semester a student asked me that same question, I was a taken aback as the question is really quite profound. After a moment a young woman in the audience raised her hand, I asked if she would like to take a stab at it. She said poetry was important because it reminds us of our humanity. That it's raining out, or that the flowers are in bloom. That we love, or we hate. Maybe there is a god, maybe there isn't. But it reminds us that we're here."

I enjoy poetry but I'm far from an expert. Very seldom do I purchase a book of poetry or check one out of the local library. I don't construct poetry well but I've always been fascinated by it in the sense that, good poetry, always seems so emotionally pure. In being so, it's an act of baring one's soul. Which makes it powerful.

I tried thinking of other things that "remind us of our humanity." Films, like something from Ingmar Bergman maybe, or a good piece of literature can certainly do the trick. But the thing that has probably had the most humbling affect on me in my life, thus leading to a reminder of my humanity, was a personal trial or tribulation. For me, the most difficult periods in my life led to a greater understanding of myself, the people around me, and life in general. They were difficult times - of which a few I barely survived. But in the end, I not only had a fresh perspective on life, but a better grasp on what being human means. And that leads to a greater appreciation for life.

Whether watching a philosophical film, reading a thought-provoking book, or ingesting a poem, one of the key ingredients seems to be a recollection of a personal difficulty. A recollection of pain. But what I inevitably fail to see is that in itself the piece of work is as much a tale of redemption as it is a recollection of pain. Someone had to do the writing, which mean someone survived, which means someone learned. Why is it so easy to experience the pain, but so difficult to recognize the redemption? It has become an instinct. Or maybe it's always been an instinct.


Hotel Insomnia

I liked my little hole,
Its window facing a brick wall.
Next door there was a piano.
A few evenings a month
a crippled old man came to play
"My Blue Heaven."

Mostly, though, it was quiet.
Each room with its spider in heavy overcoat
Catching his fly with a web
Of cigarette smoke and revery.
So dark,
I could not see my face in the shaving mirror.

At 5 A.M. the sound of bare feet upstairs.
The "Gypsy" fortuneteller,
Whose storefront is on the corner,
Going to pee after a night of love.
Once, too, the sound of a child sobbing.
So near it was, I thought
For a moment, I was sobbing myself.

Charles Simic

THE SUBWAY ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAVE ROOM FOR ONE MORE

Last Friday after work I was standing on a street corner in Manhattan waiting for the light to permit me to cross. I looked up towards the sky and gazed at the tops of the skyscrapers all around me. It's a view that hammers insignificance upon you. It made me feel so small.

The light changed, traffic stopped, and I crossed the street with about thirty strangers. I descended the stairs to the subway, and hopped on a train just before the doors closed. There I was shoulder to shoulder with a hundred strangers - stuffed in this silver box, like sardines. I started to think about how insignificant we all are...and at the same time, how important each of us are to so many others. It's a hard thing to organize in my head. On one hand it seems to me like any positive contribution I may be fortunate enough to make in this world would really mean very little in the big picture view of things. How so very far this world seems to need to go. But, at the same time, I realize how connected we all are and how, like domino's I could topple lives by the seemingly smallest of acts...which, again, could still be somewhat insignificant when looking at the big picture. Or maybe not. Maybe on our own we are insignificant, but when collectively assembled as a member of all things living, we become a support link, and without us, we affect many...thus making us quite significant. I kind of like that thought even though it tramples a bit on my desires for increased solitude.

TOP HEADLINE: HUMANS HATE THE WORLD

Every morning I wake up, walk to the computer and read the same 5 websites. Drudgereport.com, cnn.com, espn.com, freep.com and hotmail.com (my e-mail).

I don't know why I start my day off this way. Sometimes when I read the headlines on cnn.com or drudgereport.com my heart sinks and I lose all the morning energy I had just five minutes prior to reading these sites. Can the world really be this much of a mess? Has it always been this much of a mess but now we report on it more efficiently? This world has so much for all of us to embrace yet we kill each other and destroy the planet while doing so. Power, money and greed seem to have made their way across the globe and now it's a self-centered fight to the finish.

The people who seem to have a more enlightened view of life, and the world as a whole, are being shackled. Shackled by what I don't know. Fear? Or maybe having a better understanding of life makes you meeker during the battles being fought by society on a daily basis. Maybe there's an idea that no matter what one person says or does, the world's problems will never be remedied. Or maybe they aren't supposed to be "fixed."

I always liked the idea of there being a balance to life. But only when "balance" means even. If we could all just be on an even scale of understanding, acceptance and love. But we aren't. I'm afraid that anymore "balance" represents half the world being "up" and the other half being "down." No one should be born into either of these halves. It's not fair to anyone on either side.

Here are today's top headlines:

A car bomb in London is defused.
Five soldiers die in Baghdad
Wildfire evacuees return to view scorched homes
Friends saw cheerleaders SUV hit truck
80,000 hit by South Asia monsoon floods
Harry Potter star nervous at first kiss

Uh, do any of these feel out of place? I may have to save my celebrity-obsession rant for another day...

GODS TEETER TOTTER

The balance of life. We hear this phrase often. It basically implies that when something "good" happens, something "bad" must happen as well. When someone dies, someone else is born.

I like the thought of a balance in life on a personal level - no extremes. I like the thought of a balance of life even more on a life level - the world will stay balanced.

I have a question for you though - lets say you received a visit from a mystic angel. This angel tells you that the balance of life is a very real thing and that you have an option before you that you can take...or not. No obligation, life can remain as is for you or:

A. You can choose one individual in your life to receive the ultimate existence - basically, this person will live a life of complete bliss from this moment forth. In return, you will live a cold and lonely life. You will lose all your family and friends and have no one to comfort you.

OR

B. You can choose one individual in your life to receive the gift of a horrible existence - basically, this person will live a cold and lonely life. He/She will lose all family and friends and have no one to comfort them. In return, you will live the ultimate existence - a life of complete bliss.

There is no obligation to choose either of these. Likewise, if you believe in god or heaven, there is no repercussion in the after-life for choosing either. It's simply an option available to you since the world needs to be balanced.

What would you do?