WOODY CAN BE GOODY

I'm feeling anxious. Don't know why. Maybe it's because my editing class is winding down - it's my last week. Or, more likely, it's because I find out if I get the consulting job I applied for within the next week. Have I mentioned that? I applied for a part-time marketing consultant job that runs from mid-August through the end of the year. It would be almost too perfect if I get the gig because it'll pay me enough to take up to a year off (if I wanted to) after the job is over AND it's only three days a week so I could continue writing and exploring life. Please keep your fingers crossed for me - I should have an answer by the middle of next week. How can I possibly complain about anything when this type of situation is available to me? I feel like such a dope sometimes.

Other than that I'm ready to start in on a new screenplay. Not sure what I'll write about but I have a few ideas. I feel like things are starting to come together for me. Like I'm headed in the right direction for the first time in my life. Of course, if I am headed in the right direction I don't think it's possible that it could be for the "first time in my life" because everything leading up to now has led me ...here. So...

Something has changed with me recently though. For the first time in my life (a true statement this time) I have lost my want for a girlfriend. I'm not saying I don't want it BUT the idea of getting into a relationship right now doesn't excite me. And that is not normal for me. I typically have regarded a relationship as the most important thing I could secure in my life. I no longer feel that way. I think if it happens, great. And if not, I'm actually (at least right now) okay with it. Ask me in two weeks and I'll probably give you a different answer but for right now it's real. I've had a few dates lately and as I sat across from the girl and got to know her I realized that I don't feel like putting the effort in that is needed to make a relationship work. I'd rather write and work at making movies. Ideally I'll meet someone who understands my priorities and is okay with it. Actually, I just need someone to understand me. Period. But I do feel like that is a pretty slim chance. But who knows.

The only time I've felt lonely recently (normally I ALWAYS feel lonely) was last Friday when I went to the Film Forum to see the movie Manhattan with my cousin and his wife. I was the third wheel and there were tons of couples holding hands in the audience. It would have been nice to be with someone. But overall, I've lost that desire a bit. Maybe I'm just focusing so much on everything else that I'm too busy to think about being lonely. Is that a good thing? Anyhow, it's a new situation for me - not constantly craving the perfect relationship. On a side note - the movie Manhattan is incredible. If you've ever been to NYC, or better yet, lived here, you need to see it. The dialogue is hilarious and its admiration for NYC is really romantic. Annie Hall and Manhattan are BY FAR my two favorite Woody Allen movies.

Sorry for the lengthy post - I've been bad at posting lately. After this week it should get more consistent.

WILL WORK FOR PASSION

I have made up my mind that I will be quitting my job within the next 4 weeks. I have saved up some money so I can take some time off and refresh. I would like to pursue a new industry but I'm not really sure what that industry is. I feel extremely uneasy about being jobless for the first time since the age of 15 but I'm looking forward to it as well.

Ideally, I just want to be passionate about what I do. I want to feel like it matters. Which is turning out to be much easier said than done. When I look at the job boards for non-profit companies where I would feel proud to work, I look at the salary and the "nights and weekend work" and I lose my breath. Somehow it's difficult for me to realize that if I'm working with my passion, "nights and weekends" won't be a chore but rather a desire.

I'm passionate about many things but maybe the problem here is that I can't prioritize my passions. I know what I would consider my number one want in life but I don't know what I would consider my number one passion. And this is a problem I feel our country has as a whole - no one has a real passion to change the injustice we face. We haven't had it since the 60's rebellion(s). Is it because we have life too good? It makes us ambivalent?

How do you find a passion? Does it have to find you?

What is your number one passion?