IF ONLY SOMEONE WOULD KICK ME IN THE BALLS

Where does a disposition come from? I'm asking because over the years I've realized that I have a rather depressing disposition. It seems that I am in my comfort zone when something bad has happened or I'm dealing with adversity. I don't feel comfortable being happy. Typically, after a relationship has not worked out for me I feel sad at first but then relieved. And then I find solace in my loneliness. I don't think it's natural to have "solace" and "loneliness" in the same sentence. I would like to be comfortable with happiness so that I strive for it each day. But instead I find comfort in my pain. An unnatural emotion to strive for. I recently had someone laugh at me for placing the song "Creep" by Radiohead on my myspace page. They said my feelings of inadequacy are a facade. They aren't, I can assure you. But this person may be right in the sense that I attempt to keep myself boxed into a body of longing. Constant longing. In every aspect of my life. It frustrates me. How attractive can someone in constant longing be?

So where does a persons disposition come from? Can it change? Am I doomed to hold myself down in search for comfort within my life? - a comfort placing me steps away from grabbing anything and everything I desire...