ON THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

I'm not sure that this post is going to make any sense really but here goes nothing:

I was going to write about how I used to be a happy-go-lucky person but how I lost that luster for life in some way over the years. I lost that carefree attitude somewhere along the way. But as I thought a bit deeper about this observation I realized it was completely false. I was never carefree and happy-go-lucky. I've always been self conscious and reflective with a deep sense of longing. I think the only difference might be that I found some self discipline. And maybe even a little hope. That combination seemed to stabilize my life a little.

Wouldn't it be nice to be carefree? To just live life with the idea that you only have so much control so don't worry about anything else. I believe that to be true but I can't seem to keep that thought in my head at all times. I wish I could. I know people who can and I'm jealous of it. Sometimes I look at these happy-go-lucky individuals as idiots in a way. I say to myself - can't they see all the ugliness in the world? But maybe I'm the idiot. They realize there is only so much they can affect. I dwell on so many things that I can't fix or contribute positively towards.

I wish I could be that guy that watches the news, shakes his head at the chaos, and turns off the television. And with that loss of electricity to the television, my mind simultaneously powers down the negativity.

IF ONLY SOMEONE WOULD KICK ME IN THE BALLS

Where does a disposition come from? I'm asking because over the years I've realized that I have a rather depressing disposition. It seems that I am in my comfort zone when something bad has happened or I'm dealing with adversity. I don't feel comfortable being happy. Typically, after a relationship has not worked out for me I feel sad at first but then relieved. And then I find solace in my loneliness. I don't think it's natural to have "solace" and "loneliness" in the same sentence. I would like to be comfortable with happiness so that I strive for it each day. But instead I find comfort in my pain. An unnatural emotion to strive for. I recently had someone laugh at me for placing the song "Creep" by Radiohead on my myspace page. They said my feelings of inadequacy are a facade. They aren't, I can assure you. But this person may be right in the sense that I attempt to keep myself boxed into a body of longing. Constant longing. In every aspect of my life. It frustrates me. How attractive can someone in constant longing be?

So where does a persons disposition come from? Can it change? Am I doomed to hold myself down in search for comfort within my life? - a comfort placing me steps away from grabbing anything and everything I desire...