ON THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

I'm not sure that this post is going to make any sense really but here goes nothing:

I was going to write about how I used to be a happy-go-lucky person but how I lost that luster for life in some way over the years. I lost that carefree attitude somewhere along the way. But as I thought a bit deeper about this observation I realized it was completely false. I was never carefree and happy-go-lucky. I've always been self conscious and reflective with a deep sense of longing. I think the only difference might be that I found some self discipline. And maybe even a little hope. That combination seemed to stabilize my life a little.

Wouldn't it be nice to be carefree? To just live life with the idea that you only have so much control so don't worry about anything else. I believe that to be true but I can't seem to keep that thought in my head at all times. I wish I could. I know people who can and I'm jealous of it. Sometimes I look at these happy-go-lucky individuals as idiots in a way. I say to myself - can't they see all the ugliness in the world? But maybe I'm the idiot. They realize there is only so much they can affect. I dwell on so many things that I can't fix or contribute positively towards.

I wish I could be that guy that watches the news, shakes his head at the chaos, and turns off the television. And with that loss of electricity to the television, my mind simultaneously powers down the negativity.

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A COMPLIMENT BUT WHAT'S THE POINT?

I just finished reading the news websites I peruse each morning. It seems like it is the most depressing thing I can do to start each day. I would like to blame our news organizations for only reporting the bad events in the world but that is hard to do when there are so many bad events to report.

I don't understand any of it really. I just finished a story about a mother who offered her seven year old daughter to a man for sex. Apparently she really needed the money. I don't get it. How does someone come to do something like that? How bad is their life? How messed up is their brain? This woman had four other children as well.

I try to wrap my brain around events like this. I try to think about all the horrible things that must have happened to this woman in her life to allow herself to think this was acceptable. But in the end I can't justify it. Not even remotely. I feel sorry for her and her children. It's hard for me to crave the strictest justice and at the same time it's hard for me not to. I'd rather it just never happened.

And this is just one example of the host of crazy things that go on all over the world. Deep down I keep telling myself to remember all the beautiful things in life but it seems that the ugly things are always more impactful.

Why is it that I can receive 100 compliments in a day for a job well done and feel good about it. But if someone says, "you did an amazing job, the only thing I would have changed was to move the picture up a bit higher" it totally wipes out their compliment as well as the 100 others? Negatives seem to outweigh positives. I wish I could change that.

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT GRANDMA MADE ME DO IT!

I was flipping through the television channels last night and came across America's Most Wanted. They went through about 6 unsolved cases involving murder, rape, theft, assault and/or kidnapping. I thought about the ripple effect these crimes will have on everyone involved. I thought about how these things will probably even effect a large number of people NOT associated with the crimes in an indirect way.

I'm a big fan of the band Our Lady Peace. They have a song entitled, "Innocent" which includes the line, "We are all innocent" within the chorus. I thought about the generations and generations that came before us and all the screwed up things that have happened that rippled through the centuries. I'm a believer in social conditioning which means that in a sense, maybe we are all truly innocent in a way. From birth we are born into a world stained black from the bad choices of our ancestors. This is a rather pessimistic statement but...at some moment in time aren't we bound to hit a point where we can't save ourselves? We won't be able to make a difference because too much pain, torment and confusion will inhabit each new life brought into the world?

Of course if poor choices can create a ripple effect, so can good choices. Good choices don't get the airtime poor choices do, so I would like to believe there is as much good going on around the world as bad and maybe we just don't hear about it. I feel naive writing that.

Now having written this I want to state that although I believe we all have baggage to deal with (some more than others) the point is that we ALL have something to overcome. And I feel bad for those thrown into lives that give them less of a chance than the next person. But as I watched America's Most Wanted I could sympathize but not reconcile. I think we all need to be held accountable for our actions. Which in turn may create a ripple effect in both directions.

I hope that at the end of my life I have created more positive ripples than negative.