TELEPATHY

I expect too much of my love. I've been told often that I need to be more open in my relationships, that the women feel held at a distance. It's tough for me to verbalize my feelings. but there is something more - I want them to "know" without me having to tell.

It's stupid right? How could someone just "know" unless I tell them? In my warped mind I desire a glance that searches my soul. I want to stare into her eyes and see her essence, and she mine. So far that hasn't happened.

I had a rocky relationship with a woman a few years ago. I felt for her deeply, and she for I...but she wasn't ready for a serious relationship so she fought against it. One evening, a few days after she broke up with me, she stopped by my apartment to explain. She said her biggest issue was that I wasn't open with her, that I seldom spoke of my family and feelings. The second issue she had was my arrogance. I can understand some random person meeting me and thinking I'm arrogant. I suppose it would depend on the topic of conversation but I can't say I would be stunned. What did stun me was that this woman I had spent so many hours conversing with would think the same. I thought she knew me on a deeper level. I thought she saw my insecurities, confusion and search for the allusive truth. She obviously didn't. A few weeks later we went out for drinks and I decided to tell her a very personal story. It was something I had never spoke of to anyone - because it makes me feel foolish, but at the same time I think it relates something about me that isn't apparent to, well...anyone. I told her the story and my emotions bubbled and bubbled until, eventually, they began to boil over. I began to cry. There were two reasons why I was upset relating the story to her: 1. It's a story that sums up everything I desire and 2. I had hoped I never had to tell the story...I hoped someone would just know.

DON'T LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU READ THIS!

Why do I blog? It's a great writing exercise and, of course, therapeutic. But I could just write in my journal and achieve these objectives, right?

I must be the strangest blogger in the blogosphere. I've told less than a handful of people about my blog (most of which reside in a country outside the United States). I don't promote it or play the "search engine game." So why bother? Most people look to make money off their blogs or build communities of like-minded individuals. What am I doing here?

I suppose it's my baby-step towards being more open. Although I don't promote this blog, I know there is a chance that someone could come across it (like my first ever Internet friend - hi, Lachrimae!). That makes it slightly more risky...and rewarding. And the simple fact that it is on the Internet for anyone to come across makes it feel like I'm being more open - something a journal entry can't do.

When I first started this blog I was cryptic with my messages and less intimate. I would write something here and then run to my room to write the emotional details in my journal. That has changed and now my blog has become a more honest extension of my journal.

In any case, I'm very happy with the emotionally-open progress I feel I've made since blogging. I'm not where I'd like to be, or rather where most other people would like me to be, but I'm slowly improving. Maybe one day I'll send a link to this blog to people who I'll actually see face-to-face on a consistent basis. Uh, that may be a while though...