THIS BLOG RESIDES IN MY COLON

I keep talking about how good this blog has been for me but it also creates a feeling of cowardice. First off, I don't use my real name - there is little risk of exposing these ideas and thoughts to people who know me on a visual level. And, more importantly, is the assumption that no one who meets me would ever know this side of me exists. No one would know how confused and generally emotional I am. No one would ever see this blog IN me. Outside of this online world I bury this blog deep down alongside memories that now act as tiny ghosts...almost invisible. It's only in this e-world that I allow it to be exposed...and even then, with precautions.

I suppose it's a step. But then again, would I ever want to be comfortable sharing these ideas with people on a daily basis? Is that a goal I'd want to achieve? I don't think so. I think I need to remember I'm built a certain way and that's okay. I've found a couple people in my life who understand that and "get me" (I think). I'll just continue to hope there are more out there...and that our paths will cross.

DON'T LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU READ THIS!

Why do I blog? It's a great writing exercise and, of course, therapeutic. But I could just write in my journal and achieve these objectives, right?

I must be the strangest blogger in the blogosphere. I've told less than a handful of people about my blog (most of which reside in a country outside the United States). I don't promote it or play the "search engine game." So why bother? Most people look to make money off their blogs or build communities of like-minded individuals. What am I doing here?

I suppose it's my baby-step towards being more open. Although I don't promote this blog, I know there is a chance that someone could come across it (like my first ever Internet friend - hi, Lachrimae!). That makes it slightly more risky...and rewarding. And the simple fact that it is on the Internet for anyone to come across makes it feel like I'm being more open - something a journal entry can't do.

When I first started this blog I was cryptic with my messages and less intimate. I would write something here and then run to my room to write the emotional details in my journal. That has changed and now my blog has become a more honest extension of my journal.

In any case, I'm very happy with the emotionally-open progress I feel I've made since blogging. I'm not where I'd like to be, or rather where most other people would like me to be, but I'm slowly improving. Maybe one day I'll send a link to this blog to people who I'll actually see face-to-face on a consistent basis. Uh, that may be a while though...

WHICH ONE IS TOUGHER? CLIMBING MOUNT EVEREST OR BLOGGING?

This blog is the most difficult thing I have done in a long time. I know that sounds strange but this is a form of therapy for me. Sure what I write here is somewhat censored - it isn't what you would find in my journal for example. But to me this is an intimate process. It faces one of my greatest fears - appearing vulnerable. That is probably why I have only told three friends about this blog!

Each day when I log in I go back and read the last few previous posts. And I say to myself, "What a pathetic person I am?!" I feel foolish for writing some of the posts where I have injected emotion into my thoughts. And sometimes I can't believe that I actually felt that sad or dejected or whatever. It's embarrassing to me. I have such high highs and low lows that when I do write down my emotions it seems rather extreme.

It may go back to how I was raised. I was raised in a family where the men are silently strong and void of emotion. My grandfather blamed societies problems on men allowing emotion to affect them "like a woman." Of course he also blames societies problems on women entering the workforce after the war but that's for another post. Even to this day my parents only say "I love you" at the end of a holiday visit. When we hang up the phone after a random weekend update we say, "take care." It's not because they don't love me (they don't need to SAY it they SHOW it constantly) but it's because they are uncomfortable with it. So am I.

When I started this blog I only wanted people who DIDN'T know me to read it. That seemed safe. Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to send out a mass e-mail to everyone I know.

There is the possibility that letting everyone in on your emotions isn't a positive thing. Emotions are seldom logical which sometimes leads to negative actions like saying hurtful or manipulative things. Things that, once you calm down, you realize didn't truly represent your thoughts or feelings. I suppose, as with anything, a balance is necessary.