PLEASE LIE TO ME FOR JUST A BIT LONGER

"Lie" is the wrong word. Is there a word that means, "continue hiding the truth"? If there is I can't think of it right now.

Have you ever been in a situation where deep down in your gut you know the facts but you just don't want to accept it? So you keep pretending that your gut could be wrong? You hold on to random moments that deep down in that same gut you know means nothing but you use it to justify a "maybe I'm wrong" in your head? I do this occasionally. And occasionally is too often.

There are some situations where I want something so bad that I refuse to believe "I lost." Must be the competitive streak in me. And sometimes I think I would rather not be told the truth because the moment the truth is made audible I can't live my lie anymore. It's torment actually. In the end I know that the only way to move forward is to have that truth be made audible.

Hope is a beautiful thing in life. It's a necessity for anyone with the ambition and talent to improve their life. But hope can be dangerous too. Dangerous in the sense that in particular cases you can hold on too long and it keeps you from placing that hope in a new, better and more realistic direction. It's always better to voluntarily place that hope elsewhere as opposed to being forced to place it elsewhere. When the truth is spoken and it hits you in that smart ass gut of yours creating a pain only overshadowed by the embarrassment of your naivety or, worse, stubbornness there is nothing to do but accept your reality.

In a way it seems better to lie to yourself and hope the truth-holder continues to withhold that truth to save you from that pain in your gut. But the fact of the situation is that the healthier option for everyone involved is to speak the truth, even if it is painful to someone. It's better than allowing someone to hang on to the false "maybe" in their head. So the subject heading for this should not be "Please lie to me for just a bit longer" it should be "End the charade in my head."

IT'S ALMOST SHAKESPEAREAN

Valentines Day. I'm not going to post anything disparaging about love today. Nor am I going to talk about how love makes the world go around or anything like that. I'm simply going to wish all my blogosphere friends a Happy Valentines Day and leave you with this original poem which I wrote a few years back:


Ode To Love
Fuck you

WHICH ONE IS TOUGHER? CLIMBING MOUNT EVEREST OR BLOGGING?

This blog is the most difficult thing I have done in a long time. I know that sounds strange but this is a form of therapy for me. Sure what I write here is somewhat censored - it isn't what you would find in my journal for example. But to me this is an intimate process. It faces one of my greatest fears - appearing vulnerable. That is probably why I have only told three friends about this blog!

Each day when I log in I go back and read the last few previous posts. And I say to myself, "What a pathetic person I am?!" I feel foolish for writing some of the posts where I have injected emotion into my thoughts. And sometimes I can't believe that I actually felt that sad or dejected or whatever. It's embarrassing to me. I have such high highs and low lows that when I do write down my emotions it seems rather extreme.

It may go back to how I was raised. I was raised in a family where the men are silently strong and void of emotion. My grandfather blamed societies problems on men allowing emotion to affect them "like a woman." Of course he also blames societies problems on women entering the workforce after the war but that's for another post. Even to this day my parents only say "I love you" at the end of a holiday visit. When we hang up the phone after a random weekend update we say, "take care." It's not because they don't love me (they don't need to SAY it they SHOW it constantly) but it's because they are uncomfortable with it. So am I.

When I started this blog I only wanted people who DIDN'T know me to read it. That seemed safe. Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to send out a mass e-mail to everyone I know.

There is the possibility that letting everyone in on your emotions isn't a positive thing. Emotions are seldom logical which sometimes leads to negative actions like saying hurtful or manipulative things. Things that, once you calm down, you realize didn't truly represent your thoughts or feelings. I suppose, as with anything, a balance is necessary.