PLEASE LIE TO ME FOR JUST A BIT LONGER

"Lie" is the wrong word. Is there a word that means, "continue hiding the truth"? If there is I can't think of it right now.

Have you ever been in a situation where deep down in your gut you know the facts but you just don't want to accept it? So you keep pretending that your gut could be wrong? You hold on to random moments that deep down in that same gut you know means nothing but you use it to justify a "maybe I'm wrong" in your head? I do this occasionally. And occasionally is too often.

There are some situations where I want something so bad that I refuse to believe "I lost." Must be the competitive streak in me. And sometimes I think I would rather not be told the truth because the moment the truth is made audible I can't live my lie anymore. It's torment actually. In the end I know that the only way to move forward is to have that truth be made audible.

Hope is a beautiful thing in life. It's a necessity for anyone with the ambition and talent to improve their life. But hope can be dangerous too. Dangerous in the sense that in particular cases you can hold on too long and it keeps you from placing that hope in a new, better and more realistic direction. It's always better to voluntarily place that hope elsewhere as opposed to being forced to place it elsewhere. When the truth is spoken and it hits you in that smart ass gut of yours creating a pain only overshadowed by the embarrassment of your naivety or, worse, stubbornness there is nothing to do but accept your reality.

In a way it seems better to lie to yourself and hope the truth-holder continues to withhold that truth to save you from that pain in your gut. But the fact of the situation is that the healthier option for everyone involved is to speak the truth, even if it is painful to someone. It's better than allowing someone to hang on to the false "maybe" in their head. So the subject heading for this should not be "Please lie to me for just a bit longer" it should be "End the charade in my head."

I'M POUNDING AWAY

As I walked through the unfinished La Sagrada Familia cathedral in Spain I could hear the thunder of hammers pounding on the exterior. The cathedral has been under construction for over 150 years and is far from completion. Of all the beautiful architecture I was privileged to see on my trip to Spain, this was my favorite. I was wide eyed and slack jawed while staring at the detail of this immense structure.

I began to think about those hammers pounding away. So many construction workers have (I'm guessing) dedicated a significant portion of their lives working on this building while all the while knowing they would never see it finished. Even today the cathedral is so far away from being finished that those working on it are sure to never see the results. I thought about a nearly seventy year old man spending the last day of his life packing up his belongings after working over 50 years on the cathedral. How would that feel? Accomplished? Would it feel like something is missing?

In a way I think it may be a good parable for life in general...or the world. We are all working on the world over the course of our lives but we know we'll never see the end results. I suppose feeling a sense of contribution may be good enough. Life also. We work on ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, ideas and "spirits" (in quotes because this can mean very different things to different people). In the end, will we see what we strive for? Most likely not the big picture goals. Does it matter?

Again, I suppose in the case of the construction worker he works and counts on so many people to help move the cathedral forward in its plans that all he can do is his best. He goes to work each day, works as diligently and responsibly as possible so that he is always proud of himself and can take pride in his work. He knows he won't live to see the cathedral finished but he knows he did his best and he made a positive contribution.

I guess that's how I feel about life.

CAN A EURAIL PASS GET YOU TO HEAVEN?

Ok, so I've written a bit on being more calm in regards to life in general. There is a sort of realization that all I can do is try my best - as some things are out of my control. On one hand, this calming makes life more enjoyable. On the other hand I wonder if it isn't giving up. I'll explain.

I remember having deep conversations over Busch beer with my college friends. We would talk about god, religion, politics, the meaning of life...things like that. I loved these moments and I vowed to never stop questioning these things because I didn't want to end up a zombie in life.

When I would make trips home I would talk to my parents about these topics as well. Their answers never sufficed because there was no proof. I felt like they had accepted an idea and stuck with it - never questioning the flimsy arguments I felt were made. I vowed never to do this.

Flash forward ten years and I see myself as falling into the same pattern everyone seems to fall into. I've come to the understanding (I think) that there is no truth in life. That we can't possibly KNOW the truth about anything until we die and either meet our maker or not. With that thought I feel at ease, or the "calm" as has been mentioned comes over me. It's an acceptance of fate in our lives. But with that calm comes a lack of ambition for trying to figure life out. I mean, yes, I think that it's possible that regardless of the attempt to figure out the meaning of life, it just can't be done because truth will not be revealed to us until we lay on our deathbed. But does that mean we should stop trying to figure it out? Am I falling into the same trap everyone falls into with age? Is it a trap or a revelation? Is it solid knowledge or do we just get tired of chasing our tail?

More importantly - can we enjoy life while seeking out meaning or does the enjoyment of life actually come with an acceptance of not being able to figure it out...or an acceptance of a specific idea that we like that answers our questions?

LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Truth Doesn't Make a Noise" by The White Stripes

My baby's got a heart of stone
can't you people just leave her alone
she never did nothing to hurt you
so just leave her alone

The motion of her tiny hands
and the quiver of her bones below
are the signs of a girl alone
and tell you everything
you need to know

I can't explain it
I feel it often
everytime I see her face
but the way you treat her
fills me with rage and I
want to tear apart the place

You try to tell her what to do
and all she does is stare at you
her stare is louder than your voice
because truth doesn't make a noise