LUCIFER WAS CAST OUT OF HEAVEN

I promise an uplifting post in the coming days - I'm really rather content right now...but I've been thinking of this particular topic recently and wanted to share it.

I don't know when this started exactly, but it's been a long time. I have, for lack of a more accurate word, "enjoyed" torturing myself. I wrote a post about this earlier when I referred to myself as an emotional cutter. It's as if at some point in my youth I offended god in the worst way. As if I committed a solitary crime involving all ten commandments.

For the rest of my days I've had this subconscious desire to torment myself as a tool to make amends with the Almighty over this vicious offense of which I'm ignorant of. In doing so, I gain some sort of peace within my affliction. For many years now I've been laying myself on the altar and piercing myself with a butter knife. I say butter knife because none of the wounds have been fatal. They hurt, but they continuously miss the artery. And oddly enough after the initial stab is thrust and the post-burning sensation dims, I'm left with a sort of relief...a deep sigh of the soul. I realize that a majority of these wounds are self inflicted, that my hand alone holds the dagger (er, I mean butter knife), but I'm afraid it has become an addiction. I think I need a patch to stick on my arm that will slowly distribute a pitiful pain into my blood stream until eventually I'm weened off the effects.

I like feeling sorry for myself. I like feeling like the underdog. I like feeling unworthy. I like being my own adversary.

It's crucial that I repair this habit to lead a healthier life so that I don't wake up one morning on the altar and take a look around at the surrounding mountains, trees, and sun only to realize that the warmth from the enormous star above feels better than the burning of a wound.

I know this, yet I find myself clenching the knife all too often. The good news is that it happens far less now than in the past. Baby steps.

2+2=5

Things about me I can't reconcile (another bi-product of losing out on a quest of love):

1. I like who I have become, on the inside...for the most part.
2. I've always considered myself "average" looking - I'm just okay with it (don't I have to be?!).
3. Three of the last four girls I pursued chose other men over me.
3a. If I was them I would have too.

REMEMBER THE ALAMO

I haven't been posting as much as normal because I'm working on a business venture that I hope will bring in some cash so I can continue writing some more.

I'm in a bit of a funk today. A girl I had a crush on informed me this morning that she hooked up with some guy last night and they were going on a date tonight. She knows how I feel about her but I don't think she is attracted to me in any way outside of friendship (obviously!). So it goes. I knew that the odds of us ever trying to date was extremely slim but I still hoped. I suppose if there is any good to come from this it's that I can move forward now with certainty. Still, it hurts. But it isn't the first time I've had a pain in the heart and it won't be the last.

I try to remember all the people I've met through volunteering that have such huge obstacles to overcome in their lives and how puny my little "problem" is. That always helps put things in perspective. It also makes me feel foolish for being so depressed over a woman not liking me. The other thing I need to remind myself is that I can't MAKE someone like me. I can't FORCE myself to be attractive to someone. It's too bad though! I wish I had a little love potion I could spill into a drink and remedy my loneliness. Maybe that's the business venture I should look into...how much money do you think I could make if I could create a love potion?

Okay, I'm done with my self pity...for the day at least. Tomorrow is a new day...

PLEASE LIE TO ME FOR JUST A BIT LONGER

"Lie" is the wrong word. Is there a word that means, "continue hiding the truth"? If there is I can't think of it right now.

Have you ever been in a situation where deep down in your gut you know the facts but you just don't want to accept it? So you keep pretending that your gut could be wrong? You hold on to random moments that deep down in that same gut you know means nothing but you use it to justify a "maybe I'm wrong" in your head? I do this occasionally. And occasionally is too often.

There are some situations where I want something so bad that I refuse to believe "I lost." Must be the competitive streak in me. And sometimes I think I would rather not be told the truth because the moment the truth is made audible I can't live my lie anymore. It's torment actually. In the end I know that the only way to move forward is to have that truth be made audible.

Hope is a beautiful thing in life. It's a necessity for anyone with the ambition and talent to improve their life. But hope can be dangerous too. Dangerous in the sense that in particular cases you can hold on too long and it keeps you from placing that hope in a new, better and more realistic direction. It's always better to voluntarily place that hope elsewhere as opposed to being forced to place it elsewhere. When the truth is spoken and it hits you in that smart ass gut of yours creating a pain only overshadowed by the embarrassment of your naivety or, worse, stubbornness there is nothing to do but accept your reality.

In a way it seems better to lie to yourself and hope the truth-holder continues to withhold that truth to save you from that pain in your gut. But the fact of the situation is that the healthier option for everyone involved is to speak the truth, even if it is painful to someone. It's better than allowing someone to hang on to the false "maybe" in their head. So the subject heading for this should not be "Please lie to me for just a bit longer" it should be "End the charade in my head."

LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Cure for Pain" by Morphine

Where is the ritual
And tell me where where is the taste
Where is the sacrifice
And tell me where where is the faith
Someday there'll be a cure for pain
That's the day I throw my drugs away
When they find a cure for pain
Where is the cave
Where the wise woman went
And tell me where
Where's all that money that I spent
I propose a toast to my self control
You see it crawling helpless on the floor
Someday there'll be a cure for pain
That's the day I throw my drugs away
When they find a cure for pain (x2)
When they find a cure find a cure for pain