WHICH ONE IS TOUGHER? CLIMBING MOUNT EVEREST OR BLOGGING?

This blog is the most difficult thing I have done in a long time. I know that sounds strange but this is a form of therapy for me. Sure what I write here is somewhat censored - it isn't what you would find in my journal for example. But to me this is an intimate process. It faces one of my greatest fears - appearing vulnerable. That is probably why I have only told three friends about this blog!

Each day when I log in I go back and read the last few previous posts. And I say to myself, "What a pathetic person I am?!" I feel foolish for writing some of the posts where I have injected emotion into my thoughts. And sometimes I can't believe that I actually felt that sad or dejected or whatever. It's embarrassing to me. I have such high highs and low lows that when I do write down my emotions it seems rather extreme.

It may go back to how I was raised. I was raised in a family where the men are silently strong and void of emotion. My grandfather blamed societies problems on men allowing emotion to affect them "like a woman." Of course he also blames societies problems on women entering the workforce after the war but that's for another post. Even to this day my parents only say "I love you" at the end of a holiday visit. When we hang up the phone after a random weekend update we say, "take care." It's not because they don't love me (they don't need to SAY it they SHOW it constantly) but it's because they are uncomfortable with it. So am I.

When I started this blog I only wanted people who DIDN'T know me to read it. That seemed safe. Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to send out a mass e-mail to everyone I know.

There is the possibility that letting everyone in on your emotions isn't a positive thing. Emotions are seldom logical which sometimes leads to negative actions like saying hurtful or manipulative things. Things that, once you calm down, you realize didn't truly represent your thoughts or feelings. I suppose, as with anything, a balance is necessary.

I AM AN EMOTIONAL CUTTER

This is going to be a rather depressing (and long) first post to my blog, but it's part of the reason I decided to start this blog in the first place. Recently I did something that I knew would "tear me down." It was continuing a pattern in my life that I had hoped, with age, had disappeared. I coined a term for this problem: I am an "emotional cutter". You know how people cut themselves to feel pain instead of the "numbness?" Well, I think I do that too but only emotionally. I always have. I think I subconsciously "cut" myself to feel that pain in the pit of my stomach. That feeling of self pity. That feeling of helplessness. The dread. For whatever reason I have always embraced that. In this recent case I may have cost myself something very special with someone very special. Only time will tell. As I walked home from this particular debacle I felt deeply saddened, embarrassed, pitiful...and relieved.

When I was in college and really going through some tough times with drugs, alcohol and, most importantly, self esteem, I remember my brother telling me on the phone that he heard a song that reminded him of me. The song was "Everything to Everyone" by Everclear. The lyrics are:

you put yourself in stupid places
yes i think you know it's true
situations where it's easy to look down on you
i think you like to be the victim
i think you like to be in pain
i think you make yourself a victim
almost every single day

you do what you do
you say what you say
you try to be everything to everyone
you know all the right people
you play all the right games
you always try to be
everything to everyone

yeah you do it again
you always do it again

you say they taught you how to read and write
they taught you how to count
i say they taught you how to buy and sell
your own body by the pound
i think you like to be their simple toy
i think you love to play the clown
i think you blind to the fact
that the hand you hold
is the hand that holds you down

chorus

spin around and fall down
do it again
you stumble and you fall
yeah why don't you ever learn
spin around and fall down
do it again
you stumble and you fall
i wonder if you will ever learn

why don't you ever learn

come on now
do that stupid dance for me

you do what they tell you to do
you say what they say
you try to be
everything to everyone

you jump through the big hoop
you play all the right games
you try to be
everything to everyone

spin around and fall down
do it again
you stumble and you fall
yeah you do it again
spin around and fall down
do it again
you stumble and you fall...

Now this came just a few years after my brother wrote a report in high school about how I was his hero. It really tore me up. And he was right. But, apparently I haven't completely corrected the problem and don't know the procedure to do so.

I think this particular trait of embracing darkness is even reflected in my music and movies - the darker and more depressing the better!

The biggest farce is I have always thought I was emotionally STRONGER than most and thus take hits for people because I know I can deal with it better than they can (and I hate to see others hurting) - but in reality maybe I'm weaker than most and take the hit for people because I like the pain. I suppose there is a chance this could play into some sort of positive role in life somehow - as twisted as that may seem. Or maybe I'm just setting up a justification if I can't find a way to accept positive things in my life in the areas I crave the most.