IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK TO WHEN I WAS MISERABLE

I was watching a movie last night about a group of self-destructive men. These guys lived for adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. They were doing stupid things just to see if they could. It reminded me of some days long past where excessive alcohol, drugs, bar brawls, and reckless behavior ruled my existence. Those days were not happy days for me. Sure, I was having "fun" but all of the reckless behavior was a result of not giving a damn about what happened to me. I was miserable on the inside but appeared to be having a hell of a time to those around me.

The odd thing to me is that as I watched this movie I wanted to run outside and do something stupid. I wanted to be reckless again. It's something I thought I had completely let go over the past 5 years or so and haven't really missed it too much. All of a sudden I had an urge to jump back in. This surprised me because, looking back, I am thankful to have gotten through that period in my life alive. I knew I was cheating death from time to time so why would I want to recreate a scenario like that? Especially when my memory of how miserable I was is still so vivid?

I'm restless right now. I'm not exactly sure what for but I can feel that I need to mix things up a bit. Of course I'm banking on being mature enough not to do anything "stupid." I've felt this restlessness for several months now which, looking back, may explain some things... In any case, I'm hoping that my travels will cure this. Well, this restlessness of mine may never be "cured" but my hope is that something like traveling will help settle it down for a bit.

Have you ever felt a strong desire for change but didn't know WHAT you should look to change?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
-Andy Warhol

FINALLY! I HAVE TIME TO ROLL MY CHANGE!

I ran home from the bar tonight so that I wouldn't miss the first day of posting since I started this blog. I have one hour before the clock strikes midnight. If things are a little incoherent I'm blaming it on the Guinness.

I resigned from work today. My last day will be this Friday. I have mixed emotions right now. This will be the first time since the age of 15 that I have been unemployed. And the first time since I was 19 that I didn't hold a full-time position. But I am really excited to have some time off to refresh and reevaluate my career path. I plan on taking a couple of months for me. Something I have never done. I want to write more, shoot a short film, travel to Europe and enter a sumo wrestling contest. Ok, I'm joking about the short film thing (wasn't that funny?! You totally thought I was kidding about the sumo contest!...which I was...it's never very funny when I explain my jokes...I'm moving on now...).

Occasionally my close friends will hear me complain about not having a family or being in a serious relationship. But the truth is, the lack of those commitments open up a lot of opportunities for me to see the world and experience cultures and life in a way many never have.

I waver on the phrase, "everything happens for a reason" for the fact that it seems like a justification for something that you can't control. Even as I tell myself that, I take a look back on my life and I really do feel like I can see a path that seems more fateful than coincidental.

I don't know if there is a plan for each of us but I don't think there is any harm in finding comfort in that thought. In fact, I think it may be a nice idea to live with as you encounter difficulties. More importantly, however, I think it would be nice to enter every new path in life with wide eyed enthusiasm about where it will lead you. To do this honestly I think focused life intentions are necessary (I'll save that for another post).

I'm getting tired now.

Here are my questions of the day: If you could take three months off to travel anywhere, where would you go? If you had unlimited funds, what is the first thing you would buy? If you never had to work another day in your life, what would you pursue?