I was watching a movie last night about a group of self-destructive men. These guys lived for adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. They were doing stupid things just to see if they could. It reminded me of some days long past where excessive alcohol, drugs, bar brawls, and reckless behavior ruled my existence. Those days were not happy days for me. Sure, I was having "fun" but all of the reckless behavior was a result of not giving a damn about what happened to me. I was miserable on the inside but appeared to be having a hell of a time to those around me.
The odd thing to me is that as I watched this movie I wanted to run outside and do something stupid. I wanted to be reckless again. It's something I thought I had completely let go over the past 5 years or so and haven't really missed it too much. All of a sudden I had an urge to jump back in. This surprised me because, looking back, I am thankful to have gotten through that period in my life alive. I knew I was cheating death from time to time so why would I want to recreate a scenario like that? Especially when my memory of how miserable I was is still so vivid?
I'm restless right now. I'm not exactly sure what for but I can feel that I need to mix things up a bit. Of course I'm banking on being mature enough not to do anything "stupid." I've felt this restlessness for several months now which, looking back, may explain some things... In any case, I'm hoping that my travels will cure this. Well, this restlessness of mine may never be "cured" but my hope is that something like traveling will help settle it down for a bit.
Have you ever felt a strong desire for change but didn't know WHAT you should look to change?
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3 comments:
I'm surprised about that post! I didn't know this side of you. Whta's that name of the movie??? and no, I never ever had this kind of strong desire that you talk at the end of this post. The desire always come to me with the possibilities of what to change. Are you going to travel soon?
xoxoxoxooxox
Well, it's not something I typically brag about. The two years before I left for college were pretty "reckless" to say the least. Then I went to college and continued it on a slightly minor scale (at least compared to the previous years). I'm sure Anne is laughing right now at the fact I said "minor" in this post (she was a witness).
Yes, I'll be traveling soon. I'm not sure exactly when yet and I'm not sure exactly where yet either. I'm checking in with friends to see who may want to come along and see if I can create a really good itinerary. I'll let you know as soon as something is decided.
I did enjoy the "minor" part...and I completely relate to your restlessness. However, I hope that I never lose that urge to do something stupid every once in awhile (as long as it isn't drinking and driving or something just moronic. However, I think that the feeling allows us to remain young, or at least that is how I feel. Those days for me weren't exactly as reckless as yours, but I did get myself into some trouble;) But I sincerely love the feeling that I had back then of almost hopelessness, it kept me going somehow and it got me where I am now, so keep on holding on to that feeling of desire for change.
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