IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK TO WHEN I WAS MISERABLE

I was watching a movie last night about a group of self-destructive men. These guys lived for adrenaline rush after adrenaline rush. They were doing stupid things just to see if they could. It reminded me of some days long past where excessive alcohol, drugs, bar brawls, and reckless behavior ruled my existence. Those days were not happy days for me. Sure, I was having "fun" but all of the reckless behavior was a result of not giving a damn about what happened to me. I was miserable on the inside but appeared to be having a hell of a time to those around me.

The odd thing to me is that as I watched this movie I wanted to run outside and do something stupid. I wanted to be reckless again. It's something I thought I had completely let go over the past 5 years or so and haven't really missed it too much. All of a sudden I had an urge to jump back in. This surprised me because, looking back, I am thankful to have gotten through that period in my life alive. I knew I was cheating death from time to time so why would I want to recreate a scenario like that? Especially when my memory of how miserable I was is still so vivid?

I'm restless right now. I'm not exactly sure what for but I can feel that I need to mix things up a bit. Of course I'm banking on being mature enough not to do anything "stupid." I've felt this restlessness for several months now which, looking back, may explain some things... In any case, I'm hoping that my travels will cure this. Well, this restlessness of mine may never be "cured" but my hope is that something like traveling will help settle it down for a bit.

Have you ever felt a strong desire for change but didn't know WHAT you should look to change?

NOW THAT I HAVE GONE BLIND THE WORLD LOOKS BRIGHTER

There is a girl that I have been friends with since I was a one year old child. Our families are really close and refer to each other as Uncle..., Aunt... and Cousin..., even though we aren't blood related.

I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for this girl and can't imagine not having her in my life. I truly believe she is someone who makes the world a better place. When I get depressed about a perceived poor direction that the world is headed, I think of her and it renews my faith in people and society.

This 30 year old friend has had an unbelievably difficult life. When she was 23 she was dating (and close to engagement) a mutual friend. They were a great couple and since I was good friends with each of them, I was extremely happy. Their relationship to me was proof that true love could exist. Later that year the man was killed in a work accident. My heart broke for this friend of mine (and for the friend I lost) - which is nothing compared to what she must have felt. I remember hugging her and crying and her whispering in my ear "it will be alright." She told ME it would be alright. I felt ashamed at that moment - she shouldn't be comforting me! I could see her pain but she comforted others instead. It took many years of therapy and the lengthening gap of time for her to begin moving forward in life again. But she did. 7 years later, she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. A cancer that makes up less than 2% of all female diagnosed cancers. The cancer was in stage 4. This past year she has gone through surgery and extensive chemo. She is forever changed physically and, again, mentally. Through it all she continues to smile. She has become less religious but more spiritual. When death is close I imagine even the hardest atheist contemplates a spiritual existence. Her appreciation for life is probably the appreciation everyone should have on a daily basis. She is the strongest person I have ever met.

Her life could quite possibly be the most influential gift in my life. When I get depressed I often think of her and a handful of other friends that have gone through situations in life I can only sympathize with. I certainly can't relate. It's inspirational to know how resilient people can be. And we all have it in us.

I often volunteer for the same reason - It is always a humbling experience to see the strength in others in situations you aren't really sure how you would react to. It's important for me to continue to remind myself how fortunate I really am, how strong we can all be, and how beautiful life is - even in times of struggle. Actually I shouldn't say "even in times of struggle" I should say "especially in times of struggle." My appreciation and recognition of the beauty of life is never greater than when I encounter those struggling most with life. Hope and faith are beautiful things.

Little, Yellow, Different, Better

Earlier this week I posted the lyrics to "Cure for Pain" by Morphine. What if there was a cure for pain? What if there was a pill you could swallow to stop the pain any time someone had their heart broken or had to deal with the loss of a loved one ?

I'm sure the next time I'm hurting I would wish there was such a pill. But I don't think it would help me grow or experience the mysterious learning opportunity life hides in the shadows from us.

It is in the moments of most intense pain that I have the most productive introspection. When I am happy or content I seldom feel a need to analyze a situation or experience. It is typically when I am upset, angry, disappointed or depressed that I really delve into that which is bringing on the aforementioned emotions. And by doing so I typically learn a valuable lesson. Having said that, I have had my heart broken a dozen times and I fully expect to have it broken a dozen more. And that never gets easier just because it has happened to me before. But, as I spoke earlier about the illogical aspect of emotions, analyzing any previous experience usually helps lend some logic to the situation that is bringing on the heartache. And so although it doesn't lesson the pain, it helps to lesson the helplessness involved.

No, I don't think I want a cure for pain. I think I'll take my chances.

Side note - I just knocked on wood after writing that last sentence.