I wanted to write a post tonight about a close friend of mine who is currently struggling with the illness of her father. I wanted to share my history with this person as she is probably as close to a confidant as I've ever had. It takes a lot to get that close to me and boy, have we ever been through a lot. She certainly paid her dues.
The reason I'm writing in past tense is because I can't write what I had initially intended. I found that I don't have the words to express my pride, respect and love for this friend. I have two people in my life (this friend being one of them) where, if I was to write honestly about them it would come across fake...when in actuality it would be nothing but sincere.
So I'm not going to attempt it. The words don't do it justice. I just hope this person knows how highly I think of them, and that I can be there for her as she deals with her father's medical problems, and as she encounters new struggles along the path of her life. It's the least I can do for the simple privilege of watching her become the person she has become. Even though we didn't meet until we were in our late teens - we grew up together.
You know the saying, "you can judge a person by the company he keeps"? Well, I could never live up to that with the company of someone like her. It pains me to see her upset, but at the same time I feel confident she will survive and use this experience in as positive a way as can be. Because that's who she is. And that's just one of the remarkable things about her - she may, like all of us, let something beat her down a bit, but she will never let anything finish her off.
My faith in the possible, or impossible, is stronger because of the example she sets. If only all of us could understand the power of being an example. If each of us tried to be the best example we could be, what kind of world would we have? A world I could be proud of.
Showing posts with label friend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friend. Show all posts
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY - BUT IT FELL RATHER QUICK
I've been dealing with a friend of mine who just learned that her father has cancer. The doctor has given him one month to live - it's all happening so fast. Obviously she is devastated and I want nothing more than to say something that will make her feel better. Instead I've morphed into a giant ear. No mouth is necessary, I mean, what can you say?
Her father is the same age as my parents so it has created a multitude of thoughts and fears. Something my friend said referring to her father, "he will never meet my children" has really stuck with me.
I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for being the forces in life that we are. Most people can name a handful of individuals that they would want their children to meet. Those same individuals would, most likely, be named again when asked which people have had the greatest impact in shaping who you are. Or which people most closely resemble us.
And seldom do those people in our lives understand their impact on us. Somehow it slips through the cracks. We, as individuals, have a host of powers capable of increasing the quality of life for an individual and thus the world as a whole. We are using these powers every day...and we don't even know it.
If you are spiritually inclined, or even if you have just a tiny speck of confidence in a god (or many gods for all you Romans reading this), please say a prayer for my friend, her father, and her family.
Her father is the same age as my parents so it has created a multitude of thoughts and fears. Something my friend said referring to her father, "he will never meet my children" has really stuck with me.
I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for being the forces in life that we are. Most people can name a handful of individuals that they would want their children to meet. Those same individuals would, most likely, be named again when asked which people have had the greatest impact in shaping who you are. Or which people most closely resemble us.
And seldom do those people in our lives understand their impact on us. Somehow it slips through the cracks. We, as individuals, have a host of powers capable of increasing the quality of life for an individual and thus the world as a whole. We are using these powers every day...and we don't even know it.
If you are spiritually inclined, or even if you have just a tiny speck of confidence in a god (or many gods for all you Romans reading this), please say a prayer for my friend, her father, and her family.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
HE DOESN'T RESENT HER LOVE YET
Last night I was at a going-away party for a friend who is moving back to Texas - he's sick of the noise and pace of NYC. While at this party I was talking to another friend who was describing his relationship to me. He said the following, "Unlike most people in long-term relationships I don't try to get away from her. I mean, we've been together for four years. We've lived together for two. I still truly love being with her, we have a lot of fun together. I want to be with her every moment I can."
The great part about hearing him say this is that I know for a fact that his girlfriend feels the same way. It's a moment like that which gives me hope that what I would consider a "real" love is possible. Sometimes I feel like it won't happen for me. Sometimes I feel like I may succumb to the exhaustion of searching for love, and settle. Sometimes I feel like if I don't settle it MIGHT happen for me but probably not until I'm 60 years old. But it's a moment like that conversation last night that makes me believe, even if it doesn't happen until I'm 60, and I died the day after, It'd be worth it.
The great part about hearing him say this is that I know for a fact that his girlfriend feels the same way. It's a moment like that which gives me hope that what I would consider a "real" love is possible. Sometimes I feel like it won't happen for me. Sometimes I feel like I may succumb to the exhaustion of searching for love, and settle. Sometimes I feel like if I don't settle it MIGHT happen for me but probably not until I'm 60 years old. But it's a moment like that conversation last night that makes me believe, even if it doesn't happen until I'm 60, and I died the day after, It'd be worth it.
Friday, August 31, 2007
IF STUPIDITY IS HEREDITARY I SHOULD GET MY VASECTOMY NOW
I don't know if it's an act of selfishness or just plain stupidity but I recently spoke to a close friend of mine about my reservations in confronting my friend that has been cheating on his wife (see "18-year-old strippers are hard to argue with" post).
This friend I confided in is one of only three people (or so) in my life I talk to about really personal things. The problem is that I spoke to her about how I am beginning to think that the chances are much greater that a marriage contains a cheating spouse rather than not. This friend is currently very close to becoming engaged to her long-time boyfriend and has trust issues in general. So here I am, just months before an expected proposal, talking to her about how hard marriages must be and how I think it may actually be "typical" for a spouse to cheat at some point. Today this friend e-mailed me saying she can't stop thinking about how I think cheating may be typical and how afraid she is of that happening to her. If I was playing psychologist I'd say this friend has shown throughout her past a tendency to justify relationship break-ups due to her mistrust and fear of infidelity (or maybe even just a fear of being hurt). I now feel very responsible for contributing to her doubts, which are normal I think, but don't need to have the flames fanned by me. I told her not to let fear control her emotions, which I believe is true. But I know fully well that knowing that is one thing and putting it to practice is quite another.
I was either being selfish because I needed to talk to someone and she is my standby OR I was just not thinking and should have taken her current situation into account before unloading my problems...and contributing to hers.
Relationships and love are so complicated. I'm not sure they have to be but in my world, they definitely are.
This friend I confided in is one of only three people (or so) in my life I talk to about really personal things. The problem is that I spoke to her about how I am beginning to think that the chances are much greater that a marriage contains a cheating spouse rather than not. This friend is currently very close to becoming engaged to her long-time boyfriend and has trust issues in general. So here I am, just months before an expected proposal, talking to her about how hard marriages must be and how I think it may actually be "typical" for a spouse to cheat at some point. Today this friend e-mailed me saying she can't stop thinking about how I think cheating may be typical and how afraid she is of that happening to her. If I was playing psychologist I'd say this friend has shown throughout her past a tendency to justify relationship break-ups due to her mistrust and fear of infidelity (or maybe even just a fear of being hurt). I now feel very responsible for contributing to her doubts, which are normal I think, but don't need to have the flames fanned by me. I told her not to let fear control her emotions, which I believe is true. But I know fully well that knowing that is one thing and putting it to practice is quite another.
I was either being selfish because I needed to talk to someone and she is my standby OR I was just not thinking and should have taken her current situation into account before unloading my problems...and contributing to hers.
Relationships and love are so complicated. I'm not sure they have to be but in my world, they definitely are.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
ANGER MANAGEMENT
I was talking to a friend of mine recently about her anger. She is 38 years old, married, with 3 children. She said, "sometimes I get so angry at my husband or the kids that I go blind. It's a near blackout and I never know what I'm going to do."
This fascinates me for several reasons. First off, I know this woman pretty well and feel strongly that this is due to a deep-seeded resentment over her missing out on her younger years (she was first pregnant at 16) and over the poor parenting she received. I'm no psychologist but this is what I would guess. Second, when I was in the late teens/early twenties I used to have a similar problem. I would never "black out" from anger but I would get so angry that I'd lose control and, yes, even my vision would be affected. Not good. Over the years this has diminished and I seldom feel that rage anymore. I think I talked about this in an earlier post as well - sometimes I even miss the rage...as odd as that may seem. None-the-less I'm aware of how much better life is without that rage. I'm not sure exactly when I lost it but I know it has subsided considerably.
I worry that this friend of mine will never lose her rage. I worry that for the rest of her life she will have this resentment that she can never fix (you can't bring back your younger years) and that's no way to live. If there is something I've learned this past year it's that you can't dwell on the past because the future is wide open. Meaning, you can make a lot of the future, almost anything, but you can't make it the past.
This fascinates me for several reasons. First off, I know this woman pretty well and feel strongly that this is due to a deep-seeded resentment over her missing out on her younger years (she was first pregnant at 16) and over the poor parenting she received. I'm no psychologist but this is what I would guess. Second, when I was in the late teens/early twenties I used to have a similar problem. I would never "black out" from anger but I would get so angry that I'd lose control and, yes, even my vision would be affected. Not good. Over the years this has diminished and I seldom feel that rage anymore. I think I talked about this in an earlier post as well - sometimes I even miss the rage...as odd as that may seem. None-the-less I'm aware of how much better life is without that rage. I'm not sure exactly when I lost it but I know it has subsided considerably.
I worry that this friend of mine will never lose her rage. I worry that for the rest of her life she will have this resentment that she can never fix (you can't bring back your younger years) and that's no way to live. If there is something I've learned this past year it's that you can't dwell on the past because the future is wide open. Meaning, you can make a lot of the future, almost anything, but you can't make it the past.
Friday, June 29, 2007
ALL BLACK PEOPLE LISTEN TO GANGSTER RAP AND HATE WHITEY
I had drinks with a friend last night. I haven't seen him in close to six months so we had a lot to catch up on. I cherish the conversations I have with this friend because we come from two very different worlds but can talk calmly about tough topics without hating each other for our unique perspectives.
This friend of mine is an African-American from the ghetto in Brooklyn. He has made something great out of his life, especially considering where he has come from. Last night we discussed race relations in American and it was an enlightened conversation, as always. I find it difficult to accept sometimes that the color of someones skin can still affect perceptions before any factual information is used. I can be guilty of this at times as well. I wonder if we'll ever get to a place where color, gender and religion don't lead to a stereotyped perception. I don't even know if that's possible as I'm afraid human nature plays a role here. But it would solve a lot of problems.
Basically, we discussed how a better educational system is needed to help us achieve true equality. In America there is no debate that equality, like anything, can be achieved through the one thing that America loves most...money. Education can lead to financial security thus helping racial integration, acceptance and equality. It's such a pro and con of this country.
This friend of mine is an African-American from the ghetto in Brooklyn. He has made something great out of his life, especially considering where he has come from. Last night we discussed race relations in American and it was an enlightened conversation, as always. I find it difficult to accept sometimes that the color of someones skin can still affect perceptions before any factual information is used. I can be guilty of this at times as well. I wonder if we'll ever get to a place where color, gender and religion don't lead to a stereotyped perception. I don't even know if that's possible as I'm afraid human nature plays a role here. But it would solve a lot of problems.
Basically, we discussed how a better educational system is needed to help us achieve true equality. In America there is no debate that equality, like anything, can be achieved through the one thing that America loves most...money. Education can lead to financial security thus helping racial integration, acceptance and equality. It's such a pro and con of this country.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
NOW THAT I HAVE GONE BLIND THE WORLD LOOKS BRIGHTER
There is a girl that I have been friends with since I was a one year old child. Our families are really close and refer to each other as Uncle..., Aunt... and Cousin..., even though we aren't blood related.
I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for this girl and can't imagine not having her in my life. I truly believe she is someone who makes the world a better place. When I get depressed about a perceived poor direction that the world is headed, I think of her and it renews my faith in people and society.
This 30 year old friend has had an unbelievably difficult life. When she was 23 she was dating (and close to engagement) a mutual friend. They were a great couple and since I was good friends with each of them, I was extremely happy. Their relationship to me was proof that true love could exist. Later that year the man was killed in a work accident. My heart broke for this friend of mine (and for the friend I lost) - which is nothing compared to what she must have felt. I remember hugging her and crying and her whispering in my ear "it will be alright." She told ME it would be alright. I felt ashamed at that moment - she shouldn't be comforting me! I could see her pain but she comforted others instead. It took many years of therapy and the lengthening gap of time for her to begin moving forward in life again. But she did. 7 years later, she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. A cancer that makes up less than 2% of all female diagnosed cancers. The cancer was in stage 4. This past year she has gone through surgery and extensive chemo. She is forever changed physically and, again, mentally. Through it all she continues to smile. She has become less religious but more spiritual. When death is close I imagine even the hardest atheist contemplates a spiritual existence. Her appreciation for life is probably the appreciation everyone should have on a daily basis. She is the strongest person I have ever met.
Her life could quite possibly be the most influential gift in my life. When I get depressed I often think of her and a handful of other friends that have gone through situations in life I can only sympathize with. I certainly can't relate. It's inspirational to know how resilient people can be. And we all have it in us.
I often volunteer for the same reason - It is always a humbling experience to see the strength in others in situations you aren't really sure how you would react to. It's important for me to continue to remind myself how fortunate I really am, how strong we can all be, and how beautiful life is - even in times of struggle. Actually I shouldn't say "even in times of struggle" I should say "especially in times of struggle." My appreciation and recognition of the beauty of life is never greater than when I encounter those struggling most with life. Hope and faith are beautiful things.
I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for this girl and can't imagine not having her in my life. I truly believe she is someone who makes the world a better place. When I get depressed about a perceived poor direction that the world is headed, I think of her and it renews my faith in people and society.
This 30 year old friend has had an unbelievably difficult life. When she was 23 she was dating (and close to engagement) a mutual friend. They were a great couple and since I was good friends with each of them, I was extremely happy. Their relationship to me was proof that true love could exist. Later that year the man was killed in a work accident. My heart broke for this friend of mine (and for the friend I lost) - which is nothing compared to what she must have felt. I remember hugging her and crying and her whispering in my ear "it will be alright." She told ME it would be alright. I felt ashamed at that moment - she shouldn't be comforting me! I could see her pain but she comforted others instead. It took many years of therapy and the lengthening gap of time for her to begin moving forward in life again. But she did. 7 years later, she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. A cancer that makes up less than 2% of all female diagnosed cancers. The cancer was in stage 4. This past year she has gone through surgery and extensive chemo. She is forever changed physically and, again, mentally. Through it all she continues to smile. She has become less religious but more spiritual. When death is close I imagine even the hardest atheist contemplates a spiritual existence. Her appreciation for life is probably the appreciation everyone should have on a daily basis. She is the strongest person I have ever met.
Her life could quite possibly be the most influential gift in my life. When I get depressed I often think of her and a handful of other friends that have gone through situations in life I can only sympathize with. I certainly can't relate. It's inspirational to know how resilient people can be. And we all have it in us.
I often volunteer for the same reason - It is always a humbling experience to see the strength in others in situations you aren't really sure how you would react to. It's important for me to continue to remind myself how fortunate I really am, how strong we can all be, and how beautiful life is - even in times of struggle. Actually I shouldn't say "even in times of struggle" I should say "especially in times of struggle." My appreciation and recognition of the beauty of life is never greater than when I encounter those struggling most with life. Hope and faith are beautiful things.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
LYRIC OF THE DAY
This is for my friend going through her transformation. I hope the next time she is struggling with something this song comes on the radio and eases her pain and/or reinforces her faith in the future. I've used this song on many occasions.
THE FIVE STAIRSTEPS - "Ooh Child"
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Right now, right now
THE FIVE STAIRSTEPS - "Ooh Child"
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Right now, right now
I SHED MY COCOON. TURNS OUT I'M A COCONUT LIVING AT THE BOTTOM OF AN APPLE TREE
I few years ago I went through a critical transformation. I can't really remember the exact point where it had ended. What I do remember is that I woke up one day and realized I had accepted who I was. I may not have been COMPLETELY comfortable with it, but I accepted it. And I was certainly MORE comfortable with it than I had been previously. It was a tough road but one that, once complete, was well worth it and made life much more enjoyable.
For a short period of time I thought it was the ONLY major transformation I would go through in life. The big one. Finding myself. But I realize now that there are more to come. We are a constant evolution. Which is scary. Which is why I think people fight it - as I did. Eventually people either win and move on, stay where they are and lose, or sadly, take a step back and give themselves one hell of an uphill battle to fight. I wanted to stay where I was even though I was pretty miserable. I was comfortable there. Eventually I gave in and "shed my cocoon." It was like reintroducing myself to my family, friends and life. It was as uncomfortable a time as I can remember. Some people accept the "new you," some people don't. That's unfortunate.
But "finding myself" isn't really all that accurate. I believe I'm still finding myself each day. The transformation I'm speaking of was the first hurdle - overcoming expectations and social pressure. Completing that first challenge makes the next one much easier...I imagine. I know it makes life much easier. It's confidence you gain. Maybe not in every area you would like but certainly a general confidence in yourself.
I have a good friend that I believe got stuck in this transformation stage and has never taken the risk to peel the skin and reveal what is underneath. He portrays himself as the same person now as he was at 16. The funny thing is that I don't think anyone buys it anymore. It's a farce. It would be better for him to take the risk and be more open than allow people to place their assumptions on him. I'm a pretty guarded person in certain areas and on certain topics so I should take this advice - it's so much easier to say than do.
I have another friend that I think is going through this transformation now. And I am so excited for her because I can see and feel the confidence building in her that was nonexistent previously. It's a strange feeling to be excited for her because it is due to some really difficult obstacles she is encountering in her life that I believe is pushing her through this stage. And I care for her so much that all I want is life to be kind to her. I think it's probably relative to each person but I think her obstacles are more difficult than the ones I encountered. I wonder if that will make her stronger than if they had been less traumatic? But, as I said, if it's relative maybe it doesn't matter. Now that I've written this down I'm rethinking the relative comment...
I love the phrase, "when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade." I wish I could live like that. Maybe after my next transformation...
For a short period of time I thought it was the ONLY major transformation I would go through in life. The big one. Finding myself. But I realize now that there are more to come. We are a constant evolution. Which is scary. Which is why I think people fight it - as I did. Eventually people either win and move on, stay where they are and lose, or sadly, take a step back and give themselves one hell of an uphill battle to fight. I wanted to stay where I was even though I was pretty miserable. I was comfortable there. Eventually I gave in and "shed my cocoon." It was like reintroducing myself to my family, friends and life. It was as uncomfortable a time as I can remember. Some people accept the "new you," some people don't. That's unfortunate.
But "finding myself" isn't really all that accurate. I believe I'm still finding myself each day. The transformation I'm speaking of was the first hurdle - overcoming expectations and social pressure. Completing that first challenge makes the next one much easier...I imagine. I know it makes life much easier. It's confidence you gain. Maybe not in every area you would like but certainly a general confidence in yourself.
I have a good friend that I believe got stuck in this transformation stage and has never taken the risk to peel the skin and reveal what is underneath. He portrays himself as the same person now as he was at 16. The funny thing is that I don't think anyone buys it anymore. It's a farce. It would be better for him to take the risk and be more open than allow people to place their assumptions on him. I'm a pretty guarded person in certain areas and on certain topics so I should take this advice - it's so much easier to say than do.
I have another friend that I think is going through this transformation now. And I am so excited for her because I can see and feel the confidence building in her that was nonexistent previously. It's a strange feeling to be excited for her because it is due to some really difficult obstacles she is encountering in her life that I believe is pushing her through this stage. And I care for her so much that all I want is life to be kind to her. I think it's probably relative to each person but I think her obstacles are more difficult than the ones I encountered. I wonder if that will make her stronger than if they had been less traumatic? But, as I said, if it's relative maybe it doesn't matter. Now that I've written this down I'm rethinking the relative comment...
I love the phrase, "when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade." I wish I could live like that. Maybe after my next transformation...
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