ANGER MANAGEMENT

I was talking to a friend of mine recently about her anger. She is 38 years old, married, with 3 children. She said, "sometimes I get so angry at my husband or the kids that I go blind. It's a near blackout and I never know what I'm going to do."

This fascinates me for several reasons. First off, I know this woman pretty well and feel strongly that this is due to a deep-seeded resentment over her missing out on her younger years (she was first pregnant at 16) and over the poor parenting she received. I'm no psychologist but this is what I would guess. Second, when I was in the late teens/early twenties I used to have a similar problem. I would never "black out" from anger but I would get so angry that I'd lose control and, yes, even my vision would be affected. Not good. Over the years this has diminished and I seldom feel that rage anymore. I think I talked about this in an earlier post as well - sometimes I even miss the rage...as odd as that may seem. None-the-less I'm aware of how much better life is without that rage. I'm not sure exactly when I lost it but I know it has subsided considerably.

I worry that this friend of mine will never lose her rage. I worry that for the rest of her life she will have this resentment that she can never fix (you can't bring back your younger years) and that's no way to live. If there is something I've learned this past year it's that you can't dwell on the past because the future is wide open. Meaning, you can make a lot of the future, almost anything, but you can't make it the past.

THE CALMING OF THE STORM

One of the friends I was visiting on this past trip to Spain is an ex-girlfriend from several years ago. The extent of our conversation over the past two years has consisted solely of 6 e-mails.

After I arrived and we settled in for a few drinks she told me about how she warned all her roommates and friends that we would probably argue and fight the entire time I was visiting. That thought had never crossed my mind.

We ended up having such a great time that she made me come back for one last night before I left Spain for home. She remarked that I had changed so much since we dated. I disagree. I think we both are pretty much the same, just more comfortable with ourselves...which has calmed us.

I realized how much of a reaction we are capable of having strictly out of feeling uncomfortable. For instance, I always considered myself (as other did as well) an angry person when I was younger. I would get riled up fairly easily in a debate and took very hard-nosed stances on topics. I never backed down, instead I would escalate. In retrospect it may have been a little less pure anger and more of a reaction to unwanted confrontation (probably a mix actually). A self-defense mechanism. With age I think I've gotten more comfortable with myself and my outlooks thus lessening my reactions to circumstances. A calming.

I'm not going to get into it now but for tomorrow's post I want to talk about this "calming" as possibly being an acceptance of life which induces less "seeking" which could be a bad thing...maybe...or not...

Stay tuned...

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Every year as I watch the Academy Awards I think about what MY speech would be if I was ever to win an Oscar. I would have an enormous amount of gratitude to express towards my family and friends who have always been really supportive of my sometimes crazy, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes costly initiatives. It makes it a lot easier to take risks in life when you have a support system like I've had. There was, however, a time when I resented the support I had. I've never felt so ashamed of a feeling in my life. I'll try to explain.

I'd say my life started to take a fast turn around the corner about six years ago. That turn was made after hitting a real low in my life and coming to personal realizations that would greatly help me in the future. Additionally, I started to accept myself for who I was...slowly. In any case, PRIOR to this time I was a very angry person. The odd thing is that I'm not really sure where this intense anger came from. I could certainly chalk it up to being broke and not feeling as if I was achieving my dreams but this anger was way too strong to be attributed to just that.

So what was it? I already knew at this point that I repressed certain memories. Not completely in a psychotic way, but they became hazy. For instance, 9/11 is a memory I can remember in detail but I have to concentrate to bring the memory out and even then it appears dreamlike. So I started to wonder if I was repressing a memory completely and that was why I had this anger inside me. A scary thought, but one I believe to be less of a possibility. Now, I want to make sure I'm clear that this anger was mostly internalized. I didn't go around punching random people in the face or anything, nor did I ever back down from any sort of confrontation though... This anger mostly bubbled inside and I would take it out on myself mentally in a fury of self hate or on those closest to me (emotionally) - at one point it was a girlfriend and I deeply regret that interaction.

Since that time the intensity of my anger has quietly diminished. I remember waking up one day and realizing I wasn't carrying it around as I once had. It was a relief. I wish I had an answer to what happened or WHY I was so angry, but I don't. I just had this overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't justify it. That is where my resentment for the support and love from my family and friends came into play. Without that I would have had an excuse for how bad I felt. But with that support, I was really lost as to what fueled this fire. So I resented it. I resented them.

Often in my life I feel like I've looked for excuses. Even now I feel like I may be going through one of those periods - looking for reasons to give up on certain dreams or hopes. It's something I usually persevere through but the slumps aren't much fun. And without the support from those closest to me, I shiver to think about where I would be right now. This is kind of a weird post because I really don't have a conclusion. All I can say is that I feel blessed for everything I've been given so I get really disappointed in myself when I get depressed about almost anything. But I can't change my nature, I can only hope to control it.