POOR SHOWING

As you've read I'm very excited about the things going on in my life right now. Its been encouraging - there have been indicators that things are headed in the right direction.

Last night I went out with a couple of friends that were visiting NYC - I hadn't seen them in close to ten years. They were asking me about how things are going and I filled them in on the events that have added some excitement to my life. Half way through the evening I felt like a dope. I felt like I was talking about all these "great" things and it made me look pompous or something. I always hated people that were always talking about all these things in their lives that were "so great." I never want to be that person. I grew very uncomfortable. I felt like they thought I was lying or trying to impress them. When in reality I was just telling the truth...but I still felt like a jerk. Do you know the kind of people I'm talking about? I never want to be like that. Anyhow, I think I'll just keep those things to myself for now on, except for when I'm speaking with really close friends. I think I made a poor showing last night. *sigh*

MY BREAK UP WITH THE DELI GUY

I have two grocery stores near my apartment. For over two years I consistently went to one for all my food shopping needs. About six months ago I tried the "other" grocery store and realized it was a lot cleaner and had wider aisles. So I started going to that one instead.

Today, because I was walking past it and needed one quick item, I went back to my ex-grocery. As I turned the corner from the dairy aisle I was passing the deli counter when I saw my old friend, the deli guy, smiling and waving at me. He asked, "where have you been?" I was flustered. I couldn't tell him I was "seeing" a new deli guy so I told him I had been out of town for several months on business. Yes, I lied. It was spontaneous and I didn't even give it any thought. I just couldn't hurt my old deli friend. For over two years, every week, we would spend several minutes talking about the weather and local street fairs and the like. He always remembered me and poked fun at me for my curious lunch meat selections. And I turned to a new deli guy without even a minor hesitation. And all for cleaner floors and wider aisles. I feel a deep shame.

In all seriousness though, I did realize today how you can impact so many people and not even know it. Although I didn't realize it at the time the deli guy was consistently happy and greeted me warmly each week. That makes an impact. And maybe my five minutes of chatter with him each week mattered in some small way. You just never know.

P.S. I'm still sticking with the wider aisles and cleaner floors. Sorry deli guy.

YOU ARE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS

When I describe a close friend of mine I usually refer to them as "One of my best friends." This is a true statement. I've never had a best friend. I've always had a group of friends that I considered closest to me.

I don't know many people that can say they have NEVER had a best friend. It's even odd to me. Is this a good thing? Bad thing? I have no idea. I don't even know where I would begin trying to break down the pros and cons of such an idea.

However, I do wonder if it doesn't have something to do with being intimate with my friends. I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking about emotionally. Is it possible that my issues with trust and openness in a love-relationship are also present in my friend-relationships?

How shitty!

MY DICK IS NINE INCHES LONG. OH YEAH? WELL MINE IS TEN INCHES LONG!

Last night I was out with some friends at a bar. The conversation turned to. "who has done the craziest things." Basically they were stories about drunkeness, drugs, fighting etc. It got to a point where I wanted to share some of the craziest things I've done in my past to prove to one of the guys that he wasn't the only person who had lived recklessly. I hate that. I hate that I almost fell into that trap. The difference between me and this guy is that he seems proud of his early reckless behavior. He flaunts it like a badge of courage. I am NOT proud of my reckless behavior and don't care to share the experiences with anyone and everyone. I'll share them, but hopefully it is with someone who already has a pretty good idea of who I am today. Or if we are simply telling stories from our past...this seemed more like a measurement of who was the bigger man. I should be at an age where I don't have the desire to have those actions represent how "big" a man I am.

Having said this, I wouldn't take back any of those youthful experiences because they shaped who I am today. Of course if someone had died or something tragic had come from these actions I'm not sure I would be able to say that.

Not sure that there is a point to this post - just something I was thinking about this morning.

TO YOU I BEQUEATH MY HE-MAN ACTION FIGURE

Well, I'm mostly all packed up and ready to go on my trip to Spain. My excitement is tinged with nervousment particularly because I have never been on a vacation this long. Prior to this, my longest vacation was one week...and other than Canada, has never been international. I don't really have an itinerary set because I want to be completely free. I know areas I want to visit but if something comes up I'll be able to quickly change my plans without having to worry about hotel/hostel/train reservations. I hope to come back with a host of good stories and pics...and of course new revelations on life and the direction I am heading.

This won't surprise those of you who know me well, basically because I'm a morbid son of a bitch, but I drafted a will last night (knock on wood) just in case my plane goes down or something goes terribly wrong on this trip. I'll be visiting a few areas where Americans aren't the most popular people - like Basque country and Morocco. I don't have much to give to anyone but I wanted to make sure a few things were taken care of and also that I said a few things I would want to say. I'm not even sure that this will would be official because I didn't have a witness or a notary but whatever.

Writing this will was interesting. Now I'll admit that I've often daydreamed about my funeral. I know, it's weird, but I've done it. And I look around the church at who would be there, who would be truly sad, what the speakers would say, even how I would look in the casket (never good of course). Writing a will was different, it made me think about my most cherished possessions and who I would want to have them. It made me think about those people around me that would even WANT anything from me - and would THEY cherish what I gave them? I actually enjoyed it. Not surprising. My journals, and there are many, were what I was most concerned about. On one hand I don't want anyone reading them ever. And on the other hand I wonder if anything in them would help anyone.

In any case, my brother received most everything. My Hermano and I are really close - we speak for hours each week and I'd trust him to distribute everything. Plus I sort of feel like he would want to be the one in charge.

I know all of this probably sounds crazy but I enjoy thinking about my mortality. I really do. I think it keeps me focused and my life prioritized in a way I can feel good about. And believe it or not, I get this trait from my mother. She told me ten years ago that she was ready to die, not because she was super unhappy but rather because she wanted heaven so bad. And everyone wonders why I'm so strange...

Tomorrow will be my final post until March 25th when I return. It's so close!

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Every year as I watch the Academy Awards I think about what MY speech would be if I was ever to win an Oscar. I would have an enormous amount of gratitude to express towards my family and friends who have always been really supportive of my sometimes crazy, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes costly initiatives. It makes it a lot easier to take risks in life when you have a support system like I've had. There was, however, a time when I resented the support I had. I've never felt so ashamed of a feeling in my life. I'll try to explain.

I'd say my life started to take a fast turn around the corner about six years ago. That turn was made after hitting a real low in my life and coming to personal realizations that would greatly help me in the future. Additionally, I started to accept myself for who I was...slowly. In any case, PRIOR to this time I was a very angry person. The odd thing is that I'm not really sure where this intense anger came from. I could certainly chalk it up to being broke and not feeling as if I was achieving my dreams but this anger was way too strong to be attributed to just that.

So what was it? I already knew at this point that I repressed certain memories. Not completely in a psychotic way, but they became hazy. For instance, 9/11 is a memory I can remember in detail but I have to concentrate to bring the memory out and even then it appears dreamlike. So I started to wonder if I was repressing a memory completely and that was why I had this anger inside me. A scary thought, but one I believe to be less of a possibility. Now, I want to make sure I'm clear that this anger was mostly internalized. I didn't go around punching random people in the face or anything, nor did I ever back down from any sort of confrontation though... This anger mostly bubbled inside and I would take it out on myself mentally in a fury of self hate or on those closest to me (emotionally) - at one point it was a girlfriend and I deeply regret that interaction.

Since that time the intensity of my anger has quietly diminished. I remember waking up one day and realizing I wasn't carrying it around as I once had. It was a relief. I wish I had an answer to what happened or WHY I was so angry, but I don't. I just had this overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't justify it. That is where my resentment for the support and love from my family and friends came into play. Without that I would have had an excuse for how bad I felt. But with that support, I was really lost as to what fueled this fire. So I resented it. I resented them.

Often in my life I feel like I've looked for excuses. Even now I feel like I may be going through one of those periods - looking for reasons to give up on certain dreams or hopes. It's something I usually persevere through but the slumps aren't much fun. And without the support from those closest to me, I shiver to think about where I would be right now. This is kind of a weird post because I really don't have a conclusion. All I can say is that I feel blessed for everything I've been given so I get really disappointed in myself when I get depressed about almost anything. But I can't change my nature, I can only hope to control it.

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photograph of some friends and I hiking through a rain forest in Washington (I believe it's the only U.S. rain forest). Have you ever seen anything so green? It was amazing.

A WORLD OF WANT

Is the importance and influence of friends reaching the level of family? Currently over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Additionally we have become a society requiring two incomes per family to survive. Do these facts change the structure of society in a way that friends become as important as family in a persons life?

I'm from an "old world" family. My parents are not divorced, although they are a two income family. My grandparents had eight children and each Sunday all the children and their families visit my grandparents and enjoy a rather large, but delicious, meal created by grandma. This is still happening today. As a child it was preached to me that family is all you can count on. I was told that family is the most important thing in life because loyalty doesn't exist anywhere else. And as my friends continued to disappoint me from time to time, I bought into it. I don't say "bought into it" as if I shouldn't have. My family has always been there for me and has never proved the theory wrong. I simply mean it was something ingrained in me.

In today's world family gets less time together. Both parents are typically working which I would imagine has to lessen an influence compared to a family four decades ago. Divorce certainly changes the structure and I could probably speculate for days on how that has an impact on the lessening influence of family. So less time with family means more time with...friends, right? So are friends becoming as influential and important in a societal structure as family? I know several people that seem to place an importance on their friendships equal to that of their family. In some cases, more. Is this a trend? Is this a result of the changes discussed above?

And if this is true and friends are leading larger roles as influencers, how important has a "community" become? Because at that point, as a parent, the community you live in will impact your children's future in ways you probably won't see. I have had a fair amount of discussion with people concerning communities as well. It seems the consensus is that communities are not strong like in the "old days." That in the past, communities would watch out for each other. If you saw your neighbors kids doing something wrong, you would call the parents. And vice versa. I don't know that I agree with the statement that communities aren't as strong, maybe just different. The interesting thought to me is - if communities ARE less close knit, what are the factors involved with that? Are the same factors that are changing the landscape of family the same that are changing communities? If so, how?

Maybe I'm getting old but I can't see many positives in the "new" family structure. Nor can I make myself feel good about the increase on the reliance of friends. I believe a friendship bond at the level of family can happen but I believe it takes years and years of building to do so (and I'm not talking 5 or 6). It used to be that the family bond was automatic. Maybe that has changed a bit as well. In any case, I'm still buying into the "family is the most important" speech but I'm starting to see why others don't. It reads to me like a continued downward slope of isolation for individuals in the world contributing to an increase in confusion and loneliness. And I find it disturbing.

WARNING: EXCESSIVE TEASE - THIS POST MAY INDUCE BLUE BALLS

Yesterday I decided that in today's post I would share an experience that happened to me in second grade. Something that affected me greatly and that probably helped shape a large part of who I am. The fact that I still think about it as often as I do should be an indicator of how powerful this was for me. I have never told ANYONE about this.

Throughout the night I wondered how I would go about writing this event down in a way that would do it justice. And it occurred to me that posting this to my blog could never do it justice. A blog is an open page on the web for anyone to happen across. If I post my most personal experiences to a blog for anyone to read, doesn't that minimize it's impact - at least in the eyes of the reader?

My closest friends are the ones who have taken an interest in getting to know me. They were genuinely interested and put in the time - which is no easy task. I've typically chosen girlfriends the same way (at least it was a major part of the criteria). I actually enjoy sharing some of these experiences and thoughts with people but I've always used it as a type of reward.

Now I know the word "reward" seems extremely arrogant. I certainly don't mean it that way. It's the only word I can think of to use in this case. I suppose, in a way, the word "reward" in this instance means love. Yes, it's a pathetic representation of love but it really is one of the few ways I feel comfortable showing it.

I keep a folder which is bursting at the seams. It is full of memories from my past - pictures, letters, mementos. I was dating this girl a few years ago and we were struggling with accepting our relationship as a commitment. She was constantly harping on me that I never talked about my family with her and that the only information I shared was "safe" information. She was right. So one evening I introduced my folder to her and invited her into my world. She was extremely appreciative. It helped our relationship for a while but ultimately things didn't work out. The folder may have been a bit of an overload for her!

There have always been two things that I have considered "rewards" for girlfriends (and some friends) - 1. Sharing my most personal experiences and 2. Meeting my family. Few have met my family because it is the closest thing to me. It scares the hell out of me to think that my grandfather, the man I look up to most, may not be around for much longer and if I ever finally meet the person I'm going to end up with forever, she won't have had the chance to meet him. But there are some things I can't control. And boy have I learned that love is certainly at the top of that list!

I suppose the point of this post is that I have decided NOT to share my second grade experience. It shouldn't be posted to a website for anyone to see. It should be reserved for a moment where I can share it with one person who I trust. I'll probably owe it to them.

NOW THAT I HAVE GONE BLIND THE WORLD LOOKS BRIGHTER

There is a girl that I have been friends with since I was a one year old child. Our families are really close and refer to each other as Uncle..., Aunt... and Cousin..., even though we aren't blood related.

I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for this girl and can't imagine not having her in my life. I truly believe she is someone who makes the world a better place. When I get depressed about a perceived poor direction that the world is headed, I think of her and it renews my faith in people and society.

This 30 year old friend has had an unbelievably difficult life. When she was 23 she was dating (and close to engagement) a mutual friend. They were a great couple and since I was good friends with each of them, I was extremely happy. Their relationship to me was proof that true love could exist. Later that year the man was killed in a work accident. My heart broke for this friend of mine (and for the friend I lost) - which is nothing compared to what she must have felt. I remember hugging her and crying and her whispering in my ear "it will be alright." She told ME it would be alright. I felt ashamed at that moment - she shouldn't be comforting me! I could see her pain but she comforted others instead. It took many years of therapy and the lengthening gap of time for her to begin moving forward in life again. But she did. 7 years later, she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. A cancer that makes up less than 2% of all female diagnosed cancers. The cancer was in stage 4. This past year she has gone through surgery and extensive chemo. She is forever changed physically and, again, mentally. Through it all she continues to smile. She has become less religious but more spiritual. When death is close I imagine even the hardest atheist contemplates a spiritual existence. Her appreciation for life is probably the appreciation everyone should have on a daily basis. She is the strongest person I have ever met.

Her life could quite possibly be the most influential gift in my life. When I get depressed I often think of her and a handful of other friends that have gone through situations in life I can only sympathize with. I certainly can't relate. It's inspirational to know how resilient people can be. And we all have it in us.

I often volunteer for the same reason - It is always a humbling experience to see the strength in others in situations you aren't really sure how you would react to. It's important for me to continue to remind myself how fortunate I really am, how strong we can all be, and how beautiful life is - even in times of struggle. Actually I shouldn't say "even in times of struggle" I should say "especially in times of struggle." My appreciation and recognition of the beauty of life is never greater than when I encounter those struggling most with life. Hope and faith are beautiful things.

I USED TO BE AN ELBOW MODEL

I went to dinner yesterday with someone I worked on a side project with. She has a rather high opinion of herself. She says things like, "She hated me because I'm a cute blond" and "I was smarter than all of them so...". I sat at the table hearing her compliment herself over and over and over and I began to daydream about the large light fixture above her head falling and ending this madness.

Then I heard her say, "I think if we met outside of working on this project, we would have become good friends anyway." What? Did I hear that right? I don't even like you!

It just made me wonder. How many times did I meet someone and really like them and they didn't like me? How many people envisioned a light fixture falling on MY head? Am I being phony for chuckling at her stupid jokes and nodding in agreement with statements I totally disagree with? What is the line between being phony and being respectful or courteous?

I SHED MY COCOON. TURNS OUT I'M A COCONUT LIVING AT THE BOTTOM OF AN APPLE TREE

I few years ago I went through a critical transformation. I can't really remember the exact point where it had ended. What I do remember is that I woke up one day and realized I had accepted who I was. I may not have been COMPLETELY comfortable with it, but I accepted it. And I was certainly MORE comfortable with it than I had been previously. It was a tough road but one that, once complete, was well worth it and made life much more enjoyable.

For a short period of time I thought it was the ONLY major transformation I would go through in life. The big one. Finding myself. But I realize now that there are more to come. We are a constant evolution. Which is scary. Which is why I think people fight it - as I did. Eventually people either win and move on, stay where they are and lose, or sadly, take a step back and give themselves one hell of an uphill battle to fight. I wanted to stay where I was even though I was pretty miserable. I was comfortable there. Eventually I gave in and "shed my cocoon." It was like reintroducing myself to my family, friends and life. It was as uncomfortable a time as I can remember. Some people accept the "new you," some people don't. That's unfortunate.

But "finding myself" isn't really all that accurate. I believe I'm still finding myself each day. The transformation I'm speaking of was the first hurdle - overcoming expectations and social pressure. Completing that first challenge makes the next one much easier...I imagine. I know it makes life much easier. It's confidence you gain. Maybe not in every area you would like but certainly a general confidence in yourself.

I have a good friend that I believe got stuck in this transformation stage and has never taken the risk to peel the skin and reveal what is underneath. He portrays himself as the same person now as he was at 16. The funny thing is that I don't think anyone buys it anymore. It's a farce. It would be better for him to take the risk and be more open than allow people to place their assumptions on him. I'm a pretty guarded person in certain areas and on certain topics so I should take this advice - it's so much easier to say than do.

I have another friend that I think is going through this transformation now. And I am so excited for her because I can see and feel the confidence building in her that was nonexistent previously. It's a strange feeling to be excited for her because it is due to some really difficult obstacles she is encountering in her life that I believe is pushing her through this stage. And I care for her so much that all I want is life to be kind to her. I think it's probably relative to each person but I think her obstacles are more difficult than the ones I encountered. I wonder if that will make her stronger than if they had been less traumatic? But, as I said, if it's relative maybe it doesn't matter. Now that I've written this down I'm rethinking the relative comment...

I love the phrase, "when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade." I wish I could live like that. Maybe after my next transformation...