AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Every year as I watch the Academy Awards I think about what MY speech would be if I was ever to win an Oscar. I would have an enormous amount of gratitude to express towards my family and friends who have always been really supportive of my sometimes crazy, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes costly initiatives. It makes it a lot easier to take risks in life when you have a support system like I've had. There was, however, a time when I resented the support I had. I've never felt so ashamed of a feeling in my life. I'll try to explain.

I'd say my life started to take a fast turn around the corner about six years ago. That turn was made after hitting a real low in my life and coming to personal realizations that would greatly help me in the future. Additionally, I started to accept myself for who I was...slowly. In any case, PRIOR to this time I was a very angry person. The odd thing is that I'm not really sure where this intense anger came from. I could certainly chalk it up to being broke and not feeling as if I was achieving my dreams but this anger was way too strong to be attributed to just that.

So what was it? I already knew at this point that I repressed certain memories. Not completely in a psychotic way, but they became hazy. For instance, 9/11 is a memory I can remember in detail but I have to concentrate to bring the memory out and even then it appears dreamlike. So I started to wonder if I was repressing a memory completely and that was why I had this anger inside me. A scary thought, but one I believe to be less of a possibility. Now, I want to make sure I'm clear that this anger was mostly internalized. I didn't go around punching random people in the face or anything, nor did I ever back down from any sort of confrontation though... This anger mostly bubbled inside and I would take it out on myself mentally in a fury of self hate or on those closest to me (emotionally) - at one point it was a girlfriend and I deeply regret that interaction.

Since that time the intensity of my anger has quietly diminished. I remember waking up one day and realizing I wasn't carrying it around as I once had. It was a relief. I wish I had an answer to what happened or WHY I was so angry, but I don't. I just had this overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't justify it. That is where my resentment for the support and love from my family and friends came into play. Without that I would have had an excuse for how bad I felt. But with that support, I was really lost as to what fueled this fire. So I resented it. I resented them.

Often in my life I feel like I've looked for excuses. Even now I feel like I may be going through one of those periods - looking for reasons to give up on certain dreams or hopes. It's something I usually persevere through but the slumps aren't much fun. And without the support from those closest to me, I shiver to think about where I would be right now. This is kind of a weird post because I really don't have a conclusion. All I can say is that I feel blessed for everything I've been given so I get really disappointed in myself when I get depressed about almost anything. But I can't change my nature, I can only hope to control it.