NONSENSICAL LOVE DISORIENTED

I'll make you laugh because the sound reverberates in my soul - tickling it. I'll momentarily stare into your eyes with softness, then look away - did you see it? I'll contemplate meaning and truth with you late into the night, because I respect your ideas. I'll listen with a biased heart. I'll carry your burden with an urgency. I'll tease you like a second grade crush. I'll lay my lips against your neck and regulate my breathing so our pulses are in sync. I'll listen as you shower and pretend the water lays a protective coat. I'll try to improvise perfection.

I'll seldom speak of my family, they mean so much. When I'm frustrated or angry I'll take it out on you. I'll delve into a stranger's life tale further than I do your daily dinner report, because you mean more to me than they do. I won't admit my constant, illogical, unreasonable ache because I know you'll try to share in it. I'll place unfair expectation on you that are only exceeded by those of god on us. I'll try to improvise perfection...because I love you.

(HEART) BREAK OUT

Alright I'm just going to say it. I've beat around the bush for too long. I've written about this topic constantly but I've been hiding something from you...and me.

I'm afraid of relationships. There. I've said it. I don't think I'm afraid of BEING in a relationship, I think I'm afraid of being WRONG about a relationship. After all, I've been wrong about every one I've been in! I really don't trust my heart and mind to work together. They don't seem very good in tandem. In fact, I think they got into a fight when I was little and have ceased communication ever since. I've been in a couple of relationships where I truly saw a long-term future. By "saw" I mean "felt", because I think a strong emotion hid whatever signs may have indicated that that emotion was unrealistic. I understand that an emotion is always true but when it leads to naive perceptions I'm not sure how to feel about that.

And as I grow older that fear grows greater. But not greater in a deeper sense. Greater in the sense that there is more of it. For instance, now I fear that I won't trust my emotion to a point that it will take relationships longer to evolve into a deeper union. This scares me more than anything. And here is where it really causes problems - women look at my lack of openness as a sign of distrust towards them (which I don't blame them), when I think the truth is that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that emotion.

I really hope that my current desire to remain single and concentrate on writing isn't a product of this fear as well. I think that would be tragic. I don't know that I'd ever forgive myself if that were deemed true. Life is too short for this shit. I'm just having trouble breaking out of it.

A GHOST STORY

Okay, I'm back. This has been a very busy month for me, but I have no complaints. Things are good. I am absolutely loving my film editing class right now. I've learned so much and have really enjoyed the projects. I've also continued writing and enjoying all the wonderful things New York City has to offer. As an example, in my film class we studied D.W. Griffith, a director from the silent film era, and so I was curious to see one of his films. Well, I looked up the movie show times for theaters in NYC and low and behold the Museum of Modern Art was showing a D.W. Griffith 1923 silent film over the weekend. Where else (at least in the U.S.) could I find a 1923 silent film at my beck and call but NYC? I love this city. Anyhow, it gets better. I go to see the film and they had a live piano player play music to the silent film - just like it would have been done in 1923. It was so cool. At least for a movie geek like me. Of course I couldn't find anyone interested in going with me, this is one of those things I like to do that others find boring. None the less, I really enjoyed it.

On a side note - A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend and wrote me an e-mail about how upset he was. He said the following which got me thinking, he said, "I had found my purpose in life and it was to make her smile. Now it's over." I've felt like this before but looking back I feel like it was a burst of emotion that wasn't reasonable. I believe in people having a purpose in life but I can't say I agree that it could be serving or loving ONE other person. I don't think that's a direct purpose. Maybe a side purpose. Does this make sense? I would love to be in a relationship with someone that "fits" me. But I don't know if I want my PURPOSE in life to be simply "to be in that relationship." Is this confusing? I feel like this is confusing. Anyhow, just something I was thinking about.

Lastly, I entered a screenwriting contest called the NYC Midnight Screenplay Competition. The competition has 600 people participating. We were all sent a genre and a subject last night at midnight. We have to write a 15 page screenplay about the topic within the genre in 1 week. Then a handful of people move on to the second round where we participate in the same process only this time we only get 24 hours to write the screenplay. My first round genre is: ghost story. The subject is: e-mail. Ugh, what a terribly difficult combination. Well, I'd better start working on this if I'm going to win. Wish me luck!

WE BOTH LIKE TO SHOWER NAKED! LETS GET MARRIED!

I had a rather interesting evening last night which continued through to the wee hours of the morning. I was introduced by a friend to an eccentric character - we'll call him Adam. Adam appeared to be the type of guy who is a genius with technology (he works IT) but is a little socially inept. So Adam was shy, and I was struggling to get more than a yes or no answer at first from him regardless of the question. But a few beers later and the guy opened up. He told me about how he had just suffered through a tough divorce caused by cocaine abuse. Basically he had a friend die of an overdose which made him realize he needed to clean up his life. His wife, also a fan of the coke, didn't agree. So they broke up. I asked Adam if cocaine had been the common trait between the two of them and he said, "Other than a love for getting high we didn't have anything in common."

This got me thinking about my past few relationships and the commonalities between the women and me. What I realized is that I have a penchant for going after women that are far more different from me than alike? You've heard the phrase "opposites attract" but can "opposites" sustain a healthy relationship? Do dating services have it right? Should we be looking to find a "match" by pairing ourselves with people who share similar passions?

Adam and his ex-wife shared a passion for cocaine which obviously didn't work out. I know there isn't an equation for a successful relationship but does, lets say, people with shared interests in certain areas have a better shot? I'm sure the TYPE of passion figures into this equation as well but none-the-less, I really wonder if a relationship based on respect alone could be enough.