Every day I have the same conversation with my landlord (he's 87 years old). It goes something like this -
Me: Hi Ben. How are you doing today?
Ben (The Landlord): Not good, not good. I have a cough (pounds chest).
Me: That's no good. Well, it's a beautiful day today (trying to change subject).
Ben: Maybe it's my time (not allowing me to change the subject).
Me: No, no, not yet Ben (Selfish thought runs through my head - will my rent go up if he passes away?)
Ben: What are ya gonna do? (shrugs)
Me: Well, have a good day Ben, hope you feel better.
Ben: Okay.
Seriously, this happens EVERY day. His wife passed away three years ago and I think he is ready himself. One time when he was drunk he told me "I'm ready to visit my wife." But the interesting thing is that I'm pretty sure if he really wanted to die it would have happened already. I mean, he would lay down one day to bed and just not wake up - give up in his mind and let the body follow. But he doesn't. He's actually quite a fighter.
I don't know that I would be such a fighter in his situation. And every day I wonder why he keeps trucking on. But every day I see the mailman and certain neighbors stop by and talk his ear off (Ben says little) and I think that maybe it's not about him. Maybe it's about him being an ear for a neighbor or the mailman. Maybe it's about showing perseverance to the lady down the street that just lost her husband. Maybe Ben's existence as we know it today isn't for or about him at all. Maybe he's sticking around to enrich someone else's life without even knowing it. Maybe that's what life is about for all of us. If so, I'm not sure how to feel about that. It's kind of cool in a way...and also really depressing. As if our purpose is to just keep things running along, but not to actually accomplish anything. I suppose it would take some pressure off of life though.
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2 comments:
I remember you talking about him :) hahhahahahah..if I was you I would have the same selfish thought about the rent price, hahahhha...you really have an amazing great deal..hahahaha I'm crossing my fingers for you to keep having this same "robotic" conversation every day and his time is far away...so... your rent'll be stable, hahahahhahahha
our reflexes are to fight death even if the soul/mind are ready to give up.
maybe your landlord is physically ready but, uncertain if his wife is actually waiting for him another life, maybe the only way he can continue to be connected with her is by going on, remembering.
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