GIDDY UP!

I'm boring. I can see how people could easily be "over me" in a short span of time. I'll grant myself that I have experienced a lot and have a wide variety of interests but I still think I'm boring. Actually, now that I just wrote that maybe boring isn't the right word. I think the better word is "exciting." I'm not very exciting. I think this has also been a big part of my problem with relationships. Women want to be excited, and I don't blame them. Who doesn't want to be excited? But I'm not very exciting. I'm practical. I'm an idealist with realist tendencies. I'm a dreamer that seldom shares those thoughts for fear of ridicule. I analyze EVERYTHING. I am emotionally open...but not on the topics I hold closest to my soul. I'm just not very exciting. I used to be exciting. That used to be the appeal for women. I used to drink a lot. I did drugs. I was argumentative and angry. I was rebellious against just about everything. I was opinionated. Women seemed to like that. Then I stopped drinking so much. I gave up drugs. I became more open-minded. I felt my anger subside. I became boring (or unexciting, whatever).

When I look in the mirror I wonder where that reckless boy went. Sometimes I want him to come back. Most of the time I'm glad he's gone. I just wish being me was more exciting. Actually, I'm happy with the "excitement" in my life - especially right now. I guess what I'm saying is I wish OTHER people found me exciting. The thought of that makes me laugh though. I can't see anyone finding me very exciting - not after the initial period at least.

A friend of mine from Texas said the following the other night, "At first girls think it's exciting to be with a cowboy (he's a cowboy) but after a while they can't understand why I can't be a cowboy just some of the time and not all the time. Well, I'm a cowboy." I guess I kind of feel the same way. At first I think women find my life fairly exciting - in a possibility kind of way. Then they see what my life actually entails and it just isn't very glamorous. How do you make writing and dreaming glamorous? I wish I knew. Maybe I should become a cowboy.