THE DAY THE WORLD DIED

I was watching a show on the History Channel about ancient Mayan prophecies. One such prediction was that the world would end on December 21, 2012. IF this were somehow proven to be scientifically sound, how would your life change? What would you do differently?

I wish I had a hundred readers so I could get a wide sample of responses to this question, because my first thought is that we should live every day as if we knew the world would end on December 21, 2012. However, I suppose there is the possibility that someone would have a take that proved contrary to this assumption.

So, for my few loyal bloggies, how would your life change? What would you do different?

I ATE A BUTTERFLY. WILL IT DIGEST?

You know that feeling you get just before you place yourself in a situation outside of your comfort zone? A situation like approaching a person in a bar or jumping off a high-dive diving board. You get those butterflies in your stomach and your adrenaline is pumping. You tell yourself to calm down and then you concentrate really hard on putting any doubt aside...you numb your mind. It gives you just enough time to leap before the doubts return.

Well, I can feel the beginning of the butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I feel a little nervous, like I'm getting closer to an inevitable fate. I feel strongly that come January 1, 2008 I will make a decision on the next big move in my life and that it will be a radical one - for me at least. I can't shake this feeling that I've already decided to do something outside my comfort zone. I don't know what it is exactly but I can tell I'm heading down that path. It's scary...and exciting. I'm interested in knowing exactly what I'll do but I know myself and I can tell that I'm preparing to make a somewhat drastic change in my life. I felt this way just before I moved to NYC from Michigan - a process that took less than 2 weeks from decision to execution.

So now I just keep my eyes and heart open and see what strikes me as the right opportunity. I'm waiting for that wave of energy to carry me away. I wonder where it'll take me?

LOST HIGHWAY

I'm lost again. I'm at that place where I feel like I don't know what direction to head in or what path to choose. And I don't have to make a decision right now so I'm just sitting here waiting, wishing and wondering. Whatever the future has in store for me won't come without many hours of analysis and deliberation.

I am so anxious to move forward with my life but I know I need to be patient. But I can't help being antsy and feeling like every hour that goes by without a known purpose is wasted. I feel like as soon as I have a new mission in life I'll go full steam ahead and accomplish it...and I feel ready. I just haven't received the mission yet. So I feel lazy. I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING but at the same time I know I need to get myself to a certain "place" before I can move forward.

I should be excited about the future, it's wide-open for me. I guess I'm just ready to get on with it so anxiety drowns out everything else. Patience, patience, patience - something I really need to work on.

AM I FOOLING MYSELF?

Sorry for the delay in my posting. I've been entertaining visitors all week.

Today will be a quick post - I have written recently about how for the first time in my life I'm feeling okay with being single and the diminishing chances of having a family at some point. Of course, just to throw a wrench into my contentment I had an interesting experience this week.

One of the people visiting NYC was my brother's best friend from high school. He was here with his wife (who was taking a seminar at Columbia University) and his 7 month old daughter. His daughter was so cute and well behaved that I fell in love immediately. And she took to me right away - smiling and reaching for me. I ended up carrying her as we walked around Central Park and her father and I discussed the evolution of our lives. Instantly I felt a longing for that life which was completely opposite of mine. So here I am, once again, questioning my desires. Why did this girl have to be so damn cute?

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST WATCH TV LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

Is the desire to make the world a better place an egotistical goal? Is it arrogant? Before I close my eyes for the last time I would like to think that I made a positive difference in the world - one that will ripple along for decades...maybe even forever. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Deep down in my soul I feel like I can achieve this goal. I suppose that's where the arrogance comes in. Anyhow, I firmly believe that the greatest contribution one can make to life is to raise a child well. That is a contribution that will touch and "ripple" for such a long time. But lets say that children aren't in my future - what is my alternative?

If a family isn't in the stars for me then I suppose the opportunities are pretty wide open. Almost as endless as the pain and injustice throughout the world that seeks a remedy. Where to start? What makes me think my ideals or ideas are right? What if my idea of change, backed by good intentions, is more harmful than positive? What if I reach above my potential? Maybe I don't have the talent to make a huge change in the world. Maybe I'm supposed to live life like so many people do, simply surviving and making a quiet contribution that may not be fully realized by anyone...but exists.

Can I be happy with a "quiet contribution" assuming I realize the positive impact I had? Even if it's only affecting one person? It sure seems less satisfying to me but I suppose I'll take what I can get. There are so many people that make quiet contributions in the world while simply trying to survive. But if I'm not going to have a family (an ordinary life) then I want to be extraordinary in another arena making positive strides. I almost feel it's a necessity in my life.

Oh geez, now that I re-read what I just wrote I feel more arrogant than ever. Feeling a necessity to be extraordinary? What makes me so special? What makes me believe I can be extraordinary? I don't know. I'm just at an exciting crossroads in my life where within the next year I think I will have the opportunity to decide where my life heads. But more than that, I feel like things have been set up in my life so that the near future lends itself to being my most productive. So what will I do? What should I do? I'll just keep chugging along and hoping I'm heading in the right direction...but I'm keeping my eyes open for something extraordinary...