This blog is the most difficult thing I have done in a long time. I know that sounds strange but this is a form of therapy for me. Sure what I write here is somewhat censored - it isn't what you would find in my journal for example. But to me this is an intimate process. It faces one of my greatest fears - appearing vulnerable. That is probably why I have only told three friends about this blog!
Each day when I log in I go back and read the last few previous posts. And I say to myself, "What a pathetic person I am?!" I feel foolish for writing some of the posts where I have injected emotion into my thoughts. And sometimes I can't believe that I actually felt that sad or dejected or whatever. It's embarrassing to me. I have such high highs and low lows that when I do write down my emotions it seems rather extreme.
It may go back to how I was raised. I was raised in a family where the men are silently strong and void of emotion. My grandfather blamed societies problems on men allowing emotion to affect them "like a woman." Of course he also blames societies problems on women entering the workforce after the war but that's for another post. Even to this day my parents only say "I love you" at the end of a holiday visit. When we hang up the phone after a random weekend update we say, "take care." It's not because they don't love me (they don't need to SAY it they SHOW it constantly) but it's because they are uncomfortable with it. So am I.
When I started this blog I only wanted people who DIDN'T know me to read it. That seemed safe. Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to send out a mass e-mail to everyone I know.
There is the possibility that letting everyone in on your emotions isn't a positive thing. Emotions are seldom logical which sometimes leads to negative actions like saying hurtful or manipulative things. Things that, once you calm down, you realize didn't truly represent your thoughts or feelings. I suppose, as with anything, a balance is necessary.
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3 comments:
This is such a great description of feelings. I think writing things down makes you realize that your emotions were extreme, but that is the GOOD side of it. Once you get it out and realize how it sounds, it allows you to look at the situation with the right mind's eye. I look back at my old journal's and stuff and its so interesting to see where I was in my life by how intense the feelings were and that is really important to recognize!!
It's true that it's important to recognize that emotions run high but I feel like emotions can take over your ability to recognize that your emotions may be out of whack. That's what's so messed up about it! Boy, that was a confusing first sentence I just wrote...
I completely agree with the last sentence that you wrote on the post, the key is the balance.
xoxoxooxox
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