There is a close friend of mine that recently confided in me that for the four months prior to her summer vacation she made herself vomit after every meal. She doesn't consider herself bulimic but realizes it probably isn't healthy. She is a beautiful girl but she once said to me that she saw her body in the same light as a girl strolling the sidewalk in front of us - the girl was twice her weight.
I don't know how to deal with this but I'm trying to learn as much as I can about this disease. I don't know if anything makes me more sad than when someone I love and respect sees themselves as gross.
Sometimes when I'm in a bar, and having a good time, I'll look in the mirror and think to myself, "hey, I don't look that bad tonight!" Then I'll look at the lights and the mirror itself and try to figure out where I can buy these so I can have them in my home. There are other days, and much more frequent, where I'll look in the mirror in complete disgust of my appearance. I kind of hate myself at these moments. I think my receding hairline is pathetic. I think my hairy chest is rather unappealing and my eyebrows are a few years away from taking on a life of their own. I wish my belly didn't have that bit of pudge that seems to be content to ignore my sit ups. I wish I knew how to dress better. I wish I had a bigger penis. I wish I was smarter.
But I don't do anything about it. I don't shave my chest or take the latest hair growth formula. I do exercise but that has as much to do with the internal health and keeping my energy up than anything else. Actually, that's not completely true - I really am trying to get rid of that pudge. Anyhow, my point is, I'm just stubborn enough to continue telling myself that I want people to like me because of who I am and not how I dress. In fact, I go out of my way NOT to go out of my way because of expectations or cultural norms. The question begs, why should anyone like me if I don't really like myself?
In case someone who knows me reads this and rolls their eyes, I want to point out that I have great friends and I'm not begging for people to "like me." I am begging for people to understand me though...and maybe to understand myself. Most of the time I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade lives with anyone, but at the same time I struggle with liking myself. I wish I was a better person. I'll always feel that way...I hope.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I'm sorry to hear about your friend, I hope she'll be okay.
We all have imperfections, phyical and emotional. And the sooner we accept that this is who we are and it DOESN'T matter how "ugly" we might seem to the "world", its all about being comfortable with ourselves.
lol, I drift even when I'm commenting, excuse the grammatical errors in the previous comment...I have a short attention span, sorry. :S
The sooner we realize that this is who we are, the happier we'll be :)
No worries about grammar my friend. Here is the weird thing - I've accepted who I am and I'm comfortable with it, I just don't always like it. In a way I think it's good since I constantly feel a need to better myself. It's almost with a sense of urgency. I think that's okay - as long as I continue to keep things in perspective.
Post a Comment