December 10, 2007 - Pagoda was struck by lightening last night where he was taken to St. Joseph's Hospital and pronounced dead on arrival. Pagoda was single with no children and leaves behind a loving family and many good friends. He spent nearly seven years marketing magazines in New York City all the while dreaming about a more purposeful and substantive existence. But in the end, he was simply a dreamer, afraid he had but one success within him and indecisive of the direction to head. A self proclaimed Pessimistic Optimist, Pagoda saw beauty in blight questioning his fortune and love as undeserving and unfair. He died with a smile and a tear. Rest in Peace Pagoda.
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This will be my last blog post. It has been nearly one year to the day that I began blogging. Looking back over the year it has seen some ups and some downs, deceptions in emotion, and friendships through comments. I appreciate everyone who visited this blog to share in my insanity. I felt a very strong bond with several of the people who have visited and commented on this blog and the belief that you understood my posts and related to them meant a lot. I learned a lot from each of you and shared in your pain, sadness, joy and experiences. I wish all of you happiness ahead and will continue following your blogs. In my departure I wish to offer only this - we often share our sadness and tribulations in these electronic journals, don't let that cloud the blue sky above. Love, Pagoda.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
BEING PAGODA
She winked at me. That moment...that second in space, warmed the blood rushing through my veins. I was happy. I felt attractive. I felt desired.
I had never seen her before today. I stood above a crack in the sidewalk waiting for the light to change. I was focused, running my life through my mind like a projector on the wall. I was blindly moving forward, being herded by my fellow pedestrians into a route of no concern.
She dodged a woman with a large brimmed hat making her way hastily through the marching men. She swerved into my path, obstructing my course. I froze. She smiled. She winked as she brushed aside me on her way to a fortunate destination. I marched forward with my head titled towards the clouds.
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This particular prose didn't really happen. I mean, it probably did but I didn't have a specific experience in mind while writing this. The point of this is very relevant to what I deem an oddity of being me. For a guy who pursues his passions with an extreme determination, I am typically quite content with a smile from a woman. It's usually enough. A simple interest, even for the briefest of moments, lasts weeks within my skull. Am I afraid? Am I pathetically insecure? Why so satisfied from an expression quite mysterious? Why is that enough?
I had never seen her before today. I stood above a crack in the sidewalk waiting for the light to change. I was focused, running my life through my mind like a projector on the wall. I was blindly moving forward, being herded by my fellow pedestrians into a route of no concern.
She dodged a woman with a large brimmed hat making her way hastily through the marching men. She swerved into my path, obstructing my course. I froze. She smiled. She winked as she brushed aside me on her way to a fortunate destination. I marched forward with my head titled towards the clouds.
***********************
This particular prose didn't really happen. I mean, it probably did but I didn't have a specific experience in mind while writing this. The point of this is very relevant to what I deem an oddity of being me. For a guy who pursues his passions with an extreme determination, I am typically quite content with a smile from a woman. It's usually enough. A simple interest, even for the briefest of moments, lasts weeks within my skull. Am I afraid? Am I pathetically insecure? Why so satisfied from an expression quite mysterious? Why is that enough?
Saturday, November 3, 2007
THE REAL LOVE HISTORY CLUB
Is love ever real? Is love always real?
After having consumed a few too many drinks last night, I called a friend who had likewise just arrived home from the bar. At one point the conversation turned to the confusion of love. I spoke a few posts back about a guy who had attempted suicide because his wife left him to pursue another man she had been having an affair with for several years. The suicidee decided life wasn't worth living without her love, that he would never feel so strongly for another. Three months later, after a failed attempt to end his life, he has fallen madly (maybe too correct a term) and deeply in love with a woman he dated ten years ago.
I think we've probably all been in a failed relationship at some point and seriously contemplated the odds of ever finding a connection with someone as "deep" and "real" as the prior union. Only weeks, months or years later we've met someone who elicits feelings as strong, if not stronger, than what we had previously experienced. But here is where is gets a bit confusing; when we hear from the first "love" our heart STILL skips a beat. The emotions we once poured forth for the individual stirs once again. And it always will, never fading away...maybe just fading slightly due to a dusting of cobwebs. Then we experience another failed relationship and move on to another person who simply MUST be "the one" and so we have just added a further member to our "real love" history club.
Are all of these "real" loves? Does "real" love exist at all? I think we would all agree there are levels of love. Which is that powerful "real" love?
I have no doubt that the guy who attempted suicide felt as deep a love as he could for his cheating spouse. And I don't doubt that at an earlier point in his life, prior to meeting his wife, he felt just as deeply for this woman he is currently sharing a reunion with. What I do question is this - when he was in the prime love state within his marriage, was he still thinking of the previous woman as his "real" love? No, he was in a marriage with his "real" love. So then that ended. And now he's transferred that "real" love back to a place where it originally resided. And if it doesn't work out for the two this time around, he'll either attempt to kill himself for a falsely(?)-unique desire now crippled, or transfer the "real" love to the next giddy receiver.
If the emotions are so strong for someone that you would rather die than live without them by your side...and then you replicate those thunderous emotions for someone else, it MUST be love - for what other word do we have? But is it the kind of love we all seek? Is it that love where you question anyone could possibly understand? Is it special? Was it ever?
After having consumed a few too many drinks last night, I called a friend who had likewise just arrived home from the bar. At one point the conversation turned to the confusion of love. I spoke a few posts back about a guy who had attempted suicide because his wife left him to pursue another man she had been having an affair with for several years. The suicidee decided life wasn't worth living without her love, that he would never feel so strongly for another. Three months later, after a failed attempt to end his life, he has fallen madly (maybe too correct a term) and deeply in love with a woman he dated ten years ago.
I think we've probably all been in a failed relationship at some point and seriously contemplated the odds of ever finding a connection with someone as "deep" and "real" as the prior union. Only weeks, months or years later we've met someone who elicits feelings as strong, if not stronger, than what we had previously experienced. But here is where is gets a bit confusing; when we hear from the first "love" our heart STILL skips a beat. The emotions we once poured forth for the individual stirs once again. And it always will, never fading away...maybe just fading slightly due to a dusting of cobwebs. Then we experience another failed relationship and move on to another person who simply MUST be "the one" and so we have just added a further member to our "real love" history club.
Are all of these "real" loves? Does "real" love exist at all? I think we would all agree there are levels of love. Which is that powerful "real" love?
I have no doubt that the guy who attempted suicide felt as deep a love as he could for his cheating spouse. And I don't doubt that at an earlier point in his life, prior to meeting his wife, he felt just as deeply for this woman he is currently sharing a reunion with. What I do question is this - when he was in the prime love state within his marriage, was he still thinking of the previous woman as his "real" love? No, he was in a marriage with his "real" love. So then that ended. And now he's transferred that "real" love back to a place where it originally resided. And if it doesn't work out for the two this time around, he'll either attempt to kill himself for a falsely(?)-unique desire now crippled, or transfer the "real" love to the next giddy receiver.
If the emotions are so strong for someone that you would rather die than live without them by your side...and then you replicate those thunderous emotions for someone else, it MUST be love - for what other word do we have? But is it the kind of love we all seek? Is it that love where you question anyone could possibly understand? Is it special? Was it ever?
Thursday, November 1, 2007
JUST DO IT! LIKE NIKE...
Work is getting less and less thrilling each day. It's a job, I'm thankful to have it, but I feel unfulfilled. When you break down exactly what I do, it seems so unimportant, so trivial. I keep trying to tell myself that life is an enormous cycle with invisible connections between every element and that my job touches people in a positive way even if it isn't blatant. But it's a stretch...and even if true in part, it isn't enough to satisfy me.
Maybe it's because I have people close to me dealing with diseases like cancer in their lives right now that it's reinforcing the idea of just how short life is. And what is it about? I need to experience more, I need to do something positive. I need to work harder towards getting to a place where I can be proud of what I'm doing for a longer period of time each day. These eight hours of employment are really cutting into my idealist desires!
Maybe it's because I have people close to me dealing with diseases like cancer in their lives right now that it's reinforcing the idea of just how short life is. And what is it about? I need to experience more, I need to do something positive. I need to work harder towards getting to a place where I can be proud of what I'm doing for a longer period of time each day. These eight hours of employment are really cutting into my idealist desires!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
STATEMENT OF PURPOSE
I received an e-mail this afternoon from a friend of mine who requested that I edit an essay she wrote to help her get into graduate school. She entitled the project, "Statement of Purpose." Basically she listed the impactful experiences that have built who she is, what she hopes to accomplish, and how graduate school is a necessity for her to achieve her goal of bettering herself as an educator.
As I read through the essay it occurred to me that everyone should have to write a Statement of Purpose for their life. To really understand why we are pointed in the direction we are heading, what we truly hope to find at the end of the path, and what we need to get there. I'm going to give it a shot. It will probably take me awhile, but, if I'm comfortable doing so, I may post it here after it has been completed. And if anyone reading this feels compelled to do so, please send me yours at postmaster@myironicfate.com and I'll post it here.
As I read through the essay it occurred to me that everyone should have to write a Statement of Purpose for their life. To really understand why we are pointed in the direction we are heading, what we truly hope to find at the end of the path, and what we need to get there. I'm going to give it a shot. It will probably take me awhile, but, if I'm comfortable doing so, I may post it here after it has been completed. And if anyone reading this feels compelled to do so, please send me yours at postmaster@myironicfate.com and I'll post it here.
Monday, October 29, 2007
COSTLY QUESTIONS
I'm currently reading the book, "How to Change the World - Social Entrepreneurs and the Power of New Ideas." It's a fantastic book featuring amazing people dedicating their lives to extreme causes. I admire these individuals for everything they pursue and everything they are. A social entrepreneur is someone who finds a way to achieve economic gains as a means towards bringing people together to solve social issues.
The common trait of the social entrepreneurs is their selflessness. They aren't finding ways to prosper while solving social problems, they find economic platforms as a solution to "make" other people care about the social issues. The individuals leading these efforts seldom make any money themselves. I admire it. I want to be like that. But as I'm reading this book nagging questions keeps popping into the back of my mind...how do these people make money? Without a 401k how will they retire?
I wish I didn't think like that. I wish I could give up those pragmatic thoughts and just follow a passion of compassion. But I find it very difficult.
The common trait of the social entrepreneurs is their selflessness. They aren't finding ways to prosper while solving social problems, they find economic platforms as a solution to "make" other people care about the social issues. The individuals leading these efforts seldom make any money themselves. I admire it. I want to be like that. But as I'm reading this book nagging questions keeps popping into the back of my mind...how do these people make money? Without a 401k how will they retire?
I wish I didn't think like that. I wish I could give up those pragmatic thoughts and just follow a passion of compassion. But I find it very difficult.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
UNDERWEAR FROM THE DOLLAR STORE
I had drinks with a co-worker last night who is interested in joining the fashion industry. I can't dress. I have absolutely no taste when it comes to clothing, and maybe that's why I've always ridiculed fashion as an arrogant, pretentious club. I never understood celebrating someone for what they wore when what it was covering up was really important.
However, the girl I went out with last night may have convinced me otherwise. She spoke of the importance of fashion in making people feel good and increasing moral. She spoke of how fashion is a badge that can unite people and make them feel less alone. She was passionate about it, and I bought it. It's hard not to believe someone when they are truly passionate in their delivery.
Her pep talk didn't educate me on how to dress properly, I'll still match colors wrong and buy from Target, but I can see a different perspective on an industry I thought contributed little to society. I'm still not a pro-fashion guy, but if more people working in the industry had the same perspective and passion for the positive that my co-worker has, then I could change my opinion quite quickly.
However, the girl I went out with last night may have convinced me otherwise. She spoke of the importance of fashion in making people feel good and increasing moral. She spoke of how fashion is a badge that can unite people and make them feel less alone. She was passionate about it, and I bought it. It's hard not to believe someone when they are truly passionate in their delivery.
Her pep talk didn't educate me on how to dress properly, I'll still match colors wrong and buy from Target, but I can see a different perspective on an industry I thought contributed little to society. I'm still not a pro-fashion guy, but if more people working in the industry had the same perspective and passion for the positive that my co-worker has, then I could change my opinion quite quickly.
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