Monday, April 23, 2007

ART OF THE DAY


Here's the deal - I think seeing a woman sunbathing without her top while laying face down is one of the sexiest sights ever. Of course if she was laying on her back I wouldn't mind that either...

Ah summertime.

MY BREAK UP WITH THE DELI GUY

I have two grocery stores near my apartment. For over two years I consistently went to one for all my food shopping needs. About six months ago I tried the "other" grocery store and realized it was a lot cleaner and had wider aisles. So I started going to that one instead.

Today, because I was walking past it and needed one quick item, I went back to my ex-grocery. As I turned the corner from the dairy aisle I was passing the deli counter when I saw my old friend, the deli guy, smiling and waving at me. He asked, "where have you been?" I was flustered. I couldn't tell him I was "seeing" a new deli guy so I told him I had been out of town for several months on business. Yes, I lied. It was spontaneous and I didn't even give it any thought. I just couldn't hurt my old deli friend. For over two years, every week, we would spend several minutes talking about the weather and local street fairs and the like. He always remembered me and poked fun at me for my curious lunch meat selections. And I turned to a new deli guy without even a minor hesitation. And all for cleaner floors and wider aisles. I feel a deep shame.

In all seriousness though, I did realize today how you can impact so many people and not even know it. Although I didn't realize it at the time the deli guy was consistently happy and greeted me warmly each week. That makes an impact. And maybe my five minutes of chatter with him each week mattered in some small way. You just never know.

P.S. I'm still sticking with the wider aisles and cleaner floors. Sorry deli guy.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo I found on Flickr entitled, "The Night Before" by Blunted. I think it's beautiful that they even thought to do this on, I'm assuming, the night before the birth of their child. Doesn't it capture the excitement they seem to be feeling? Really beautiful.

WHO FLIPPED THE SWITCH?

I've been watching the news the past two days about this Virginia Tech massacre. The whole thing seems surreal but the craziest part to me is the randomness of the violence. It seems like the gunman had made up his mind that he was going to take out as many people as he could (whether he knew them or not) before he turned the gun on himself.

When did the idea of a massacre take the place of an ol' fashioned suicide? When I was in high school and college and someone was depressed or felt the world offered nothing beneficial to them anymore they killed themselves. The thought of taking out random individuals first...well, it wasn't a thought...I don't think...

What happened? When did the world get to the point where it is filled with so much desperation, anger and resentment that you not only want to kill yourself but you want to hurt people you don't even know on your way out? What could have happened to this kid?

It's all very sad. I hope this isn't an indication of a substantial loss of respect for life and people by society as a whole that would bring this on, but instead the actions of an ignored psychopath.

Monday, April 16, 2007

ART OF THE DAY


A photograph from Flickr entitled, "Before We Vanish..." by Jungleorkid's.

A MOMENT FOR ME

At the present time I am obsessed with moments. I've been thinking of the past a lot and how each memory acts as a puzzle piece not only for the history of my actions but also as a portrait of how I came to be who I am.

The most intriguing moments to me are the ones that are only for me. For example, years ago I liked a girl. We were friends for years and I had a crush on her but she didn't like me romantically. None-the-less, in my corrupt mind remained a level of hope (see "please lie to me a little longer" post). One evening I was at this girls apartment watching a movie. When the movie had ended I got up to leave and I remember walking to the door and turning around to say goodbye one last time before exiting. The reply I received from the girl was "I love you. See you later." It sounds cheesy but I still remember in such great detail that moment where she said, "I love you." She didn't mean it in the way I had hoped but it was something I had wanted to hear from her for so long that at this point the context didn't matter.

But back to the point of this post - that moment is forever ingrained in my brain. When people ask me about past girlfriends and relationships that moment always pops into my mind (although we never dated). I am sure that this girl has no memory whatsoever of this event but that's okay, it's a moment for me.

Friday, April 13, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

Found on Flickr. I love shadows for some strange reason.

THE WORST THING I EVER DID...

So I kind of wrote about this already. Previously I talked about how a group of friends and I asked each other to share our most embarrassing moments. After each person had done so no one thought any one's moment was all that embarrassing. It was all about your own perception of the event and it, most likely, played on some insecurity.

Last night someone asked, "What is the worst thing you have ever done?" We all shared our worst moment and at the end of it no one thought anyone else had shared a moment that was all that bad. Certainly not worth the guilt the person obviously felt.

I just found it interesting because I wouldn't have guessed a "worst thing you have ever done" would be anywhere near as similar as an "embarrassing moment" - at least not from the aspect of being overly-sensitive about it.

That's all.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

It's raining today.

YOU ARE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS

When I describe a close friend of mine I usually refer to them as "One of my best friends." This is a true statement. I've never had a best friend. I've always had a group of friends that I considered closest to me.

I don't know many people that can say they have NEVER had a best friend. It's even odd to me. Is this a good thing? Bad thing? I have no idea. I don't even know where I would begin trying to break down the pros and cons of such an idea.

However, I do wonder if it doesn't have something to do with being intimate with my friends. I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking about emotionally. Is it possible that my issues with trust and openness in a love-relationship are also present in my friend-relationships?

How shitty!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

What a funny advertisement for someone to do - I found this on Flickr (posted by apollosputnik). I wonder what type of e-mails they received...and if it mended their heart.

PLEASE LIE TO ME FOR JUST A BIT LONGER

"Lie" is the wrong word. Is there a word that means, "continue hiding the truth"? If there is I can't think of it right now.

Have you ever been in a situation where deep down in your gut you know the facts but you just don't want to accept it? So you keep pretending that your gut could be wrong? You hold on to random moments that deep down in that same gut you know means nothing but you use it to justify a "maybe I'm wrong" in your head? I do this occasionally. And occasionally is too often.

There are some situations where I want something so bad that I refuse to believe "I lost." Must be the competitive streak in me. And sometimes I think I would rather not be told the truth because the moment the truth is made audible I can't live my lie anymore. It's torment actually. In the end I know that the only way to move forward is to have that truth be made audible.

Hope is a beautiful thing in life. It's a necessity for anyone with the ambition and talent to improve their life. But hope can be dangerous too. Dangerous in the sense that in particular cases you can hold on too long and it keeps you from placing that hope in a new, better and more realistic direction. It's always better to voluntarily place that hope elsewhere as opposed to being forced to place it elsewhere. When the truth is spoken and it hits you in that smart ass gut of yours creating a pain only overshadowed by the embarrassment of your naivety or, worse, stubbornness there is nothing to do but accept your reality.

In a way it seems better to lie to yourself and hope the truth-holder continues to withhold that truth to save you from that pain in your gut. But the fact of the situation is that the healthier option for everyone involved is to speak the truth, even if it is painful to someone. It's better than allowing someone to hang on to the false "maybe" in their head. So the subject heading for this should not be "Please lie to me for just a bit longer" it should be "End the charade in my head."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo of a piece of art hanging in the Barcelona Contemporary Art Museum. I looked at this for a while thinking that it was different but also a bit surprised it was hanging in such a prestigious museum. It's from an artist from the United States named Nancy Spero. It has grown on me.

You'll need to click on the image to be able to read the text I think.

PASSING THE BATON

It's a small world. Last night I was sitting in the living room while my roommate was at the computer. He said, "Where did you get this business card from?" On the computer desk I had placed several business cards from the company where my cousin works. I had lunch with my cousin last week and met several of her coworkers whom had passed on their business cards. I told my roommate the situation and he replied, "that's where the girl I'm dating works."

What?! Are you kidding me? I asked him for a description and, sure enough, I may not have met her directly but I do remember seeing her. My roommate has been dating her for close to two months now but I have yet to be introduced to her.

In a city of eight million people, my roommate is dating a girl that works with my cousin...and they didn't meet through me. Unbelievable. The first thought that ran through my head was, "what has he said about me? Because now everyone will know."

Monday, April 9, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

In keeping with the previous post I found this photograph on Flickr.com by Casey Serin under the tag "jail". What was I thinking?!

TAKE MY LIFE...PLEASE!

I was having a drink with a friend last week and we were talking about how having children alters your life. Neither of us have children which is why the conversation came up. We both have always wanted a family but are currently at a point where we feel that if it doesn't happen for us, we could live with that.

At one point in the conversation my friend said that when you have children you no longer have your life. Your life belongs to the child. After thinking about this statement a bit I realized I have been ready and willing to "give up my life" for quite some time. Close to ten years maybe. I've wanted to have one purpose - to provide for my family and raise my children well. At least then I would know my purpose. It would be a clear goal for the rest of my life. Right now I have the whole world wide open to me. A billion possibilities, but no known purpose.

Just to be clear - I don't want to have a family just so I have a purpose. That is a secondary result of such an action.

But to stay on the topic of..."choice", I suppose. I remember being a teenager and wanting to go to jail. I didn't proactively think, "I should rob a store so I can go to jail" or anything like that. But I did find a strange peace in the idea of being locked in a cell with no options but to think. Take my choices, I don't know what to do with them. I know this sounds weird. Of course jail isn't pleasant but, at that point, I didn't care much about what was pleasant for me. I just wanted time to sort things out. And I wanted an excuse.

So here I am, 31 years old, single, currently unemployed and plenty of time on my hands to think. A bit ironic I guess. None-the-less, I'm pretty happy with where I am at. I'm more comfortable with the idea of having so many possibilities open to me...but if the right woman comes along (and she wants a family) I won't shed many tears over the diminishing opportunities for my future. If she doesn't come along I hope I take advantage of that "other life" I may be fated for.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

This is a street in Cordoba, Spain called "Scarf" because it is so narrow and winding. I propped myself up between the buildings to take a photo.

MY DICK IS NINE INCHES LONG. OH YEAH? WELL MINE IS TEN INCHES LONG!

Last night I was out with some friends at a bar. The conversation turned to. "who has done the craziest things." Basically they were stories about drunkeness, drugs, fighting etc. It got to a point where I wanted to share some of the craziest things I've done in my past to prove to one of the guys that he wasn't the only person who had lived recklessly. I hate that. I hate that I almost fell into that trap. The difference between me and this guy is that he seems proud of his early reckless behavior. He flaunts it like a badge of courage. I am NOT proud of my reckless behavior and don't care to share the experiences with anyone and everyone. I'll share them, but hopefully it is with someone who already has a pretty good idea of who I am today. Or if we are simply telling stories from our past...this seemed more like a measurement of who was the bigger man. I should be at an age where I don't have the desire to have those actions represent how "big" a man I am.

Having said this, I wouldn't take back any of those youthful experiences because they shaped who I am today. Of course if someone had died or something tragic had come from these actions I'm not sure I would be able to say that.

Not sure that there is a point to this post - just something I was thinking about this morning.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo I took in Sevilla, Spain. A girl was reading a book on the river boardwalk as the sunset's reflection glares off the water.

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A COMPLIMENT BUT WHAT'S THE POINT?

I just finished reading the news websites I peruse each morning. It seems like it is the most depressing thing I can do to start each day. I would like to blame our news organizations for only reporting the bad events in the world but that is hard to do when there are so many bad events to report.

I don't understand any of it really. I just finished a story about a mother who offered her seven year old daughter to a man for sex. Apparently she really needed the money. I don't get it. How does someone come to do something like that? How bad is their life? How messed up is their brain? This woman had four other children as well.

I try to wrap my brain around events like this. I try to think about all the horrible things that must have happened to this woman in her life to allow herself to think this was acceptable. But in the end I can't justify it. Not even remotely. I feel sorry for her and her children. It's hard for me to crave the strictest justice and at the same time it's hard for me not to. I'd rather it just never happened.

And this is just one example of the host of crazy things that go on all over the world. Deep down I keep telling myself to remember all the beautiful things in life but it seems that the ugly things are always more impactful.

Why is it that I can receive 100 compliments in a day for a job well done and feel good about it. But if someone says, "you did an amazing job, the only thing I would have changed was to move the picture up a bit higher" it totally wipes out their compliment as well as the 100 others? Negatives seem to outweigh positives. I wish I could change that.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

Even the statues at La Sagrada Familia seem to be waiting for the construction to be finished.

I'M POUNDING AWAY

As I walked through the unfinished La Sagrada Familia cathedral in Spain I could hear the thunder of hammers pounding on the exterior. The cathedral has been under construction for over 150 years and is far from completion. Of all the beautiful architecture I was privileged to see on my trip to Spain, this was my favorite. I was wide eyed and slack jawed while staring at the detail of this immense structure.

I began to think about those hammers pounding away. So many construction workers have (I'm guessing) dedicated a significant portion of their lives working on this building while all the while knowing they would never see it finished. Even today the cathedral is so far away from being finished that those working on it are sure to never see the results. I thought about a nearly seventy year old man spending the last day of his life packing up his belongings after working over 50 years on the cathedral. How would that feel? Accomplished? Would it feel like something is missing?

In a way I think it may be a good parable for life in general...or the world. We are all working on the world over the course of our lives but we know we'll never see the end results. I suppose feeling a sense of contribution may be good enough. Life also. We work on ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, ideas and "spirits" (in quotes because this can mean very different things to different people). In the end, will we see what we strive for? Most likely not the big picture goals. Does it matter?

Again, I suppose in the case of the construction worker he works and counts on so many people to help move the cathedral forward in its plans that all he can do is his best. He goes to work each day, works as diligently and responsibly as possible so that he is always proud of himself and can take pride in his work. He knows he won't live to see the cathedral finished but he knows he did his best and he made a positive contribution.

I guess that's how I feel about life.

Monday, April 2, 2007

ART OF THE DAY

A girl sitting in front of me on the train was staring out the window for the entire 4-hour trip. I stared at her reflection in the window wondering what she was thinking about. The picture didn't come out as good as I had hoped but I like it none-the-less.

CAN A EURAIL PASS GET YOU TO HEAVEN?

Ok, so I've written a bit on being more calm in regards to life in general. There is a sort of realization that all I can do is try my best - as some things are out of my control. On one hand, this calming makes life more enjoyable. On the other hand I wonder if it isn't giving up. I'll explain.

I remember having deep conversations over Busch beer with my college friends. We would talk about god, religion, politics, the meaning of life...things like that. I loved these moments and I vowed to never stop questioning these things because I didn't want to end up a zombie in life.

When I would make trips home I would talk to my parents about these topics as well. Their answers never sufficed because there was no proof. I felt like they had accepted an idea and stuck with it - never questioning the flimsy arguments I felt were made. I vowed never to do this.

Flash forward ten years and I see myself as falling into the same pattern everyone seems to fall into. I've come to the understanding (I think) that there is no truth in life. That we can't possibly KNOW the truth about anything until we die and either meet our maker or not. With that thought I feel at ease, or the "calm" as has been mentioned comes over me. It's an acceptance of fate in our lives. But with that calm comes a lack of ambition for trying to figure life out. I mean, yes, I think that it's possible that regardless of the attempt to figure out the meaning of life, it just can't be done because truth will not be revealed to us until we lay on our deathbed. But does that mean we should stop trying to figure it out? Am I falling into the same trap everyone falls into with age? Is it a trap or a revelation? Is it solid knowledge or do we just get tired of chasing our tail?

More importantly - can we enjoy life while seeking out meaning or does the enjoyment of life actually come with an acceptance of not being able to figure it out...or an acceptance of a specific idea that we like that answers our questions?