ON VACATION!

I'm on vacation until March 26th!!! I hope to have some great stories, photographs and insight to share upon my return.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Susan: I don't know many people.
Charles Foster Kane: I know too many people. I guess we're both lonely.
-Citizen Kane

TO YOU I BEQUEATH MY HE-MAN ACTION FIGURE

Well, I'm mostly all packed up and ready to go on my trip to Spain. My excitement is tinged with nervousment particularly because I have never been on a vacation this long. Prior to this, my longest vacation was one week...and other than Canada, has never been international. I don't really have an itinerary set because I want to be completely free. I know areas I want to visit but if something comes up I'll be able to quickly change my plans without having to worry about hotel/hostel/train reservations. I hope to come back with a host of good stories and pics...and of course new revelations on life and the direction I am heading.

This won't surprise those of you who know me well, basically because I'm a morbid son of a bitch, but I drafted a will last night (knock on wood) just in case my plane goes down or something goes terribly wrong on this trip. I'll be visiting a few areas where Americans aren't the most popular people - like Basque country and Morocco. I don't have much to give to anyone but I wanted to make sure a few things were taken care of and also that I said a few things I would want to say. I'm not even sure that this will would be official because I didn't have a witness or a notary but whatever.

Writing this will was interesting. Now I'll admit that I've often daydreamed about my funeral. I know, it's weird, but I've done it. And I look around the church at who would be there, who would be truly sad, what the speakers would say, even how I would look in the casket (never good of course). Writing a will was different, it made me think about my most cherished possessions and who I would want to have them. It made me think about those people around me that would even WANT anything from me - and would THEY cherish what I gave them? I actually enjoyed it. Not surprising. My journals, and there are many, were what I was most concerned about. On one hand I don't want anyone reading them ever. And on the other hand I wonder if anything in them would help anyone.

In any case, my brother received most everything. My Hermano and I are really close - we speak for hours each week and I'd trust him to distribute everything. Plus I sort of feel like he would want to be the one in charge.

I know all of this probably sounds crazy but I enjoy thinking about my mortality. I really do. I think it keeps me focused and my life prioritized in a way I can feel good about. And believe it or not, I get this trait from my mother. She told me ten years ago that she was ready to die, not because she was super unhappy but rather because she wanted heaven so bad. And everyone wonders why I'm so strange...

Tomorrow will be my final post until March 25th when I return. It's so close!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Andy Dufresne: You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?
Red: No.
Andy Dufresne: They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory.
-Shawshank Redemption

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Every year as I watch the Academy Awards I think about what MY speech would be if I was ever to win an Oscar. I would have an enormous amount of gratitude to express towards my family and friends who have always been really supportive of my sometimes crazy, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes costly initiatives. It makes it a lot easier to take risks in life when you have a support system like I've had. There was, however, a time when I resented the support I had. I've never felt so ashamed of a feeling in my life. I'll try to explain.

I'd say my life started to take a fast turn around the corner about six years ago. That turn was made after hitting a real low in my life and coming to personal realizations that would greatly help me in the future. Additionally, I started to accept myself for who I was...slowly. In any case, PRIOR to this time I was a very angry person. The odd thing is that I'm not really sure where this intense anger came from. I could certainly chalk it up to being broke and not feeling as if I was achieving my dreams but this anger was way too strong to be attributed to just that.

So what was it? I already knew at this point that I repressed certain memories. Not completely in a psychotic way, but they became hazy. For instance, 9/11 is a memory I can remember in detail but I have to concentrate to bring the memory out and even then it appears dreamlike. So I started to wonder if I was repressing a memory completely and that was why I had this anger inside me. A scary thought, but one I believe to be less of a possibility. Now, I want to make sure I'm clear that this anger was mostly internalized. I didn't go around punching random people in the face or anything, nor did I ever back down from any sort of confrontation though... This anger mostly bubbled inside and I would take it out on myself mentally in a fury of self hate or on those closest to me (emotionally) - at one point it was a girlfriend and I deeply regret that interaction.

Since that time the intensity of my anger has quietly diminished. I remember waking up one day and realizing I wasn't carrying it around as I once had. It was a relief. I wish I had an answer to what happened or WHY I was so angry, but I don't. I just had this overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't justify it. That is where my resentment for the support and love from my family and friends came into play. Without that I would have had an excuse for how bad I felt. But with that support, I was really lost as to what fueled this fire. So I resented it. I resented them.

Often in my life I feel like I've looked for excuses. Even now I feel like I may be going through one of those periods - looking for reasons to give up on certain dreams or hopes. It's something I usually persevere through but the slumps aren't much fun. And without the support from those closest to me, I shiver to think about where I would be right now. This is kind of a weird post because I really don't have a conclusion. All I can say is that I feel blessed for everything I've been given so I get really disappointed in myself when I get depressed about almost anything. But I can't change my nature, I can only hope to control it.

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo from a camp site some friends and I set up in the mountains in Seattle. Doesn't this picture make it look mystical? It was so peaceful...well, except for the worrying over being eaten by a cougar...

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own piece of mind; don't assign me yours.
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"HEY, THAT'S THE GUY..."

I'm going to share an embarrassing moment today, one of a slew I have had over the years.

I was at the gym trying my best to get buff. First off, let me say I was wearing my contacts. This is important because my contacts aren't the most comfortable thing for me to wear so if I am wearing them, it's usually because I want to be "dressed to impress." I wear my contacts to the gym. I suppose I hold out hope that I'm going to strike up a conversation with some super hot girl at my gym and hit it off. But how awkward is that? People don't talk at the gym, and if they did I certainly wouldn't be the type to pull it off, I just wouldn't feel comfortable approaching that situation.

So here I am running on the treadmill trying to look suave. Well, as suave as an over-sweating man can look on the treadmill. Each treadmill has a television screen in front of it and a remote control used to change the channels etc. The television is showing a commercial when I begin my run and I try the remote but it's not working. Oh well. I take a look around me and it's probably the first time since I've been working out at this gym that I am surrounded entirely by beautiful women. I couldn't believe it. So I was in a happy zone in my head when I looked back to the television screen which in no longer showing a commercial, but instead showing a report on breast augmentation. It was comparing nude breasts of different females that had undergone breast enhancement surgery. Again, I feverishly try to change the remote but no luck. So now I'm getting embarrassed because there is a lineup of hot women behind me waiting to use my treadmill and they can obviously spot this pervert watching booby-vision. Now I could have played it off (in my head at least) as if I was a doctor simply keeping up with my studies. But no, this wasn't even showing the surgery! It was only showing nude breast shots from AFTER the surgery. One after another for twenty minutes! I just wanted to shout out that the remote wasn't working - but I didn't want to attract anymore attention to myself at this point. Unbelievable. So I basically finished my run and walked, head down, to the locker room where I could escape the unapproving and disgusting looks of my workout peers. Now I'm forever going to be "that guy" at the gym. Ugh. I suppose, on the upside, I can start wearing my glasses there now...

ART OF THE DAY

The sunset over Lake Michigan.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

[Alvy addresses a pair of strangers on the street]
Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
Female street stranger: Yeah.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way.
Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something?

-Annie Hall

MY RIGHT EYE IS THE COOL ONE, MY LEFT EYE JUST LOOKS AT ME FUNNY.

Self Respect verse Self Esteem. Over the past several years I believe I've developed a healthy sense of self respect. Something that was missing for most of my life. Without getting into the details, it has been generated from being at some rather low points in life and realizing either something had to change or nothing would change. The fact is, I didn't like myself at all. I still have the occasional problem with not liking myself so much but, at a minimum, I can feel better about how I TRY to conduct myself - helping raise my self respect.

By definition, self respect and self esteem are the same. I'm going to argue that they are NOT the same. Interested? Me too.

By self respect I mean, liking the person I'm trying to be. By self esteem I mean, liking the person I am.

I imagined once I raised my self respect, my self esteem would follow. And I can't say that has really been the case. I mean, I certainly have more self esteem than I did five years ago, but not nearly to the level I would expect. I thought self respect and self esteem went hand in hand. Apparently I was wrong.

Now I want to reiterate that I am not having a major problem with my self esteem as I had previously in my life. It's just that it isn't at a level on par with my self respect. It keeps me from having the overwhelming sense of confidence I see in all these wall street types in NYC. Of course I don't want to be quite like that but I wouldn't mind doubting myself a little less.

So the question becomes - WHY is self respect so different from self esteem (if you buy into them being separate)? I know how to raise my self respect, but I'm not sure I understand how to raise my self esteem. There is, however, a problem involved with me and self esteem... I feel uncomfortable with it. I'm not very good with praise or compliments which may explain why my self esteem seems to hover around the same level. That is a problem only a therapist could love I'm afraid. None the less, I think people confuse self respect with self esteem and I think they are vastly different from one another. Anyone agree?

ART OF THE DAY

This is one of my favorite subway performers. This old man plays music on his keyboard and sets up all these wind-up, dancing toys around him. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

""It was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was, and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I thought of that old joke, y'know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd but I guess we keep goin' through it because most of us need the eggs.""
- Alvy Singer (Annie Hall)

I DIDN'T REALIZE PUBLIC MASTURBATION WAS WRONG! GREAT, NOW I FEEL GUILTY.

The other day I was talking to a friend about how guilty I feel sometimes even when I haven't really done anything wrong. Guilt is something I get often and certainly something that keeps me "in check" at times. The person I was speaking with asked, "are you Catholic"?

I've received this response before from people when I have spoken of guilt. So the question I have is - is guilt a natural emotion or an emotion created through social conditioning?

Now, I'm a big fan of social conditioning, I certainly believe it exists. But I also believe there are natural emotions that we have within us regardless of a social structure - for example, love. Maybe an example more pertinent to this conversation would be jealousy. I believe jealousy to be a natural emotion as well, although I've debated this with others on several occasions.

So which one does guilt derive from? You can't have guilt without knowing something is wrong, right? And how do we know something we do is wrong? From our parents and society of course. Are there things that we would naturally feel guilt over if society hadn't "taught" us to? Lets say a child was locked in a closet for twenty years receiving nothing more than food and water. One day this twenty year old is released, given a gun and instructed to shoot the first person that speaks to him/her. After the twenty year old does the deed, is there guilt? For some reason I think their may be. If I had to give an answer to this question I would say that guilt is a natural emotion strengthened through social conditioning.

What do you think?

Here is another topic on the subject. Sometimes I realize I have guilt over something I can't describe. What I mean is, I feel guilty but I'm not sure what for. It's just there. As if I feel guilty over the state of the world - which is a tough guilt for one person to have...I may have done some bad things in my life but I hardly think I should feel responsible for something so large! Or maybe I feel guilty about something in my past that I'm repressing. That's a sad thought. In any case, it's there.

Maybe I should just blame my second grade teacher - she was a Catholic nun. But she was nice. I'd feel incredibly guilty blaming her...

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photograph of some friends and I hiking through a rain forest in Washington (I believe it's the only U.S. rain forest). Have you ever seen anything so green? It was amazing.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

The movie "Annie Hall" is one of my favorite romantic comedies. It's a good movie BUT an even better script. The movie falls flat from the script I think. There are so many quotes from the movie that I absolutely love but didn't have the same impact on screen that it had in written text. For the next few days, I'll use lines from this movie as my "Quote of the Day."

""The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.""
-Alvy Singer

I CAN TIE A CHERRY STEM WITH MY TONGUE

I received one of those e-mail chains where you need to fill out information about yourself and send it back to friends. You know, the ones that ask your middle name or favorite smell. On this particular one there was a question asking for my "Special Talent." I must have sat at my computer for ten minutes trying to come up with my "special talent", no luck.

EVERY DAY I think about how fortunate I am. I think about the amazing support structure I have with my family and friends and the overall situation I have going for me in life in general. For gods sake, I'm taking some time off of work and traveling to Europe for a month! But am I happy? Not fully.

I feel like I'm missing something. Something big. I used to just chalk it up to love and a lack of successful dating relationships. Which it could be. But recently I've been thinking that I can look past being in love (outside the general sense) if I can find that "talent" that I can be passionate about.

I used to want one thing in life - a family. Honestly, I have always been able to see myself concentrating on a job that supports my family and feeling fulfilled. But I'm 31 years old and that hasn't come to me. So I've had to start looking at other ways in which I feel fulfilled. And by "fulfilled" I basically mean contributing positively to life. If it isn't going to be through raising children the right way and (hopefully) setting an example in marriage, then it must be through a talent or, at a minimum, proactive passion. This is what I've been searching for.

At one point I thought it was going to be through writing or filmmaking. But I have constant doubts about that. It could be through getting involved with non-profit work, but as I've volunteered often and witnessed how the non-profit world works, I have my doubts there as well. I'm still searching.

I've been very excited about 2007. Partly because I'm in a more comfortable position in my life. Certainly more comfortable than I've ever been previously. And partly because I feel like I have a huge challenge ahead of me - which is both scary and exciting. I feel like I am in that small window in time where I have the best chance to dictate my success in life. I feel like I am at a place where I have a better grasp on an understanding of myself and life, and I'm still young enough to be considered a commodity. All I need is to find out what my talent is. Passion is never the problem for me - sometimes I think that's all I have inside of me, along with love, which I suppose play into one another. I know everyone has a talent. It's just a matter of finding it. The search continues...

ART OF THE DAY

I was helping a friend make a collage of fire fighting pics for a friend of theirs that was graduating as a firemen. We visited several firehouses around NYC. This is one of my favorite pics from the project.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure."
-Alice Hoffman

MY SUBCONSCIOUS CAN'T SPELL

I just finished the first draft of a feature length script based on events in a friend's life. It needs some work but for the most part I'm pretty pleased with it.

It is a personal script not just for the person who's life it is but also for me. When I first read through the finished script I realized that so much of myself was being injected into the characters in the script which are based on real people in the life of my friend. The reason I find this so interesting is that this is the first semi-biographical script I've ever written - for some reason I had expected that it would leave "me" out of it. But what I've learned is that ANYTHING I write ends up having some of "me" in it whether it's biographical or simply creative. It's what makes all writing so personal.

The other thing that consistently amazed me with writing is that when I look over things I have written I typically don't remember writing certain lines or can't figure out where a "message" within the story came from. Sometimes it seems like it's not really me writing the story at all but by subconscious instead - almost dreamlike. It's such an intriguing process to me. In any case, I'm going to keep working on this script and maybe you'll see it on the big screen some day...or I'm blaming it on my subconscious!...If it had only listened to me...

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo taken at the National Zoo in D.C. I hadn't been to a zoo in years and I don't really plan on going back - it saddened me to see these animals caged up.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."
-Walter Anderson

MEET ME BY THE MONKEY BARS

So the other night I was out with a group of people. Most were friends of friends. We were at a premier party for the movie 23 which opened on Friday. At this party was a booth where the studio would film you revealing your darkest secret or obsession. The video then gets posted on youtube and one selected winner will receive $2300.

No one within the group participated but we talked about funny things we could say. There were a lot of animal sex references which was a little disturbing but not as disturbing as what I'm about to tell. One of the guys in the group volunteered, "I was molested by my female babysitter when I was five." Now, he didn't say it like it was a traumatic experience. He said it as if he was proud. A moment later ANOTHER guy in our group says, "I was molested by my female babysitter too!" The two men proceeded to give each other a high five.

My first thought was, "why are they happy about this? It has to have some serious psychological ramifications." My second thought was, "Why wasn't I molested by my babysitter? Wasn't I cute enough?" Okay, I didn't seriously think that but it's kind of funny.

Anyhow, I started to wonder how prevalent such an act is and how different it is to the two sexes. I would wager the psychological effects are the same for each sex but socially, it is very different. Kind of like the female school teacher that was busted having an affair with her thirteen year old student. If it had been a man that molested the thirteen year old, serious consequences would have followed. But since it was a woman, it was viewed almost as if the boy probably wanted it. And they are probably right. But it's still tragically wrong. In any case, I'm not sure I have a point to this post, just something I've been thinking about. It amazes me how physically and psychologically the effects of something like this are probably the same for both sexes but how a social perspective can treat the two entirely different.

I'll try to write a more uplifting message tomorrow. Naw, probably not. Forget I mentioned it.

ART OF THE DAY

A lifeguard stand in Miami.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
-Mark Twain

TODAY'S EVENT: SCOFFING & ROLLING YOUR EYES

Last night a friend of mine and I went to a club in NYC. The hormones in this place were amazing...everyone was out for one thing and one thing only.

The intriguing thing to me was how judgemental the women were of the other women. I've noticed this many times before but it still amazes me. I watched a woman wearing next to nothing walk the length of the bar. As she did, every guy in the place swiveled their head to follow her, but so did the women. The men were obviously oggling, the women were judging. On another occasion a friend of mine started pole dancing (they had a pole in the corner on a stand) as if she was a stripper. The looks on the women's faces was priceless - disgust with a hint of jealousy.

It's a competition between women. I don't feel like men compete with other men in any way similar to how women compete with women. It's almost like the social structure of finding a mate hasn't changed since the days of cavemen...and cavewomen.

I used to tell friends that if I wore a wedding ring to the bar, I would get more action from women. I still think it's true. Women are so competitive with other women that it's not just about beating them to a man but also taking what they have. I know it sounds ruthless but I've seen it so many times. But maybe I'm wrong about the intention. Maybe women are attracted to a taken man because they've been qualified as "worth having" by another women. A kind of stamp of quality if you will.

I don't pretend to understand women, they are strange creatures to me. I do, however, find them fascinating! The competition is rather fun to watch. I suppose that's part of the reason reality television is so interesting. I would love to set up a camera in this club and just watch the women compete in their subtle and not so subtle ways. But then I'd have to watch all the drunk male buffoons try to impress the women. And that part I find annoying.

ART OF THE DAY

There is a park by me that exhibits strange artistic expressions. It changes the theme every three months or so. Here are a couple pictures from one last year. Basically, one of the art installments was that someone put these huge red balls in all the trees. I think there were five or six in the trees. I wouldn't say I liked it but I found it an interesting contrast which is what I'm assuming they were going for.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so too."
-Voltaire

"I NEVER GOT OVER THOSE BLUE EYES"

Last night I watched the film, "Walk the Line" about Johnny Cash. I absolutely loved this movie. Next to "Sin City" I think it was the best film from last year. I know a lot of people that watched "Walk the Line" and said it was, "okay" but wasn't very enthusiastic about it. Maybe the fact that I didn't know anything about Johnny Cash had something to do with it. I found it an incredibly romantic film and I really took to the characters. It was almost personal even though I have very little, maybe nothing, in common with Johnny's life. For whatever reason, this film hit me.

I spent the rest of the night writing and listening to Johnny Cash. Yes, it is my new obsession. I previously spoke of a lack of emotion within today's art. Johnny Cash is a perfect example of emotionally naked art. The lyrics are incredible and you can hear the pain within him. I can't believe I've never listened to Johnny Cash before?! He is quickly moving up my favorite of all time list. Luckily I have a roommate that owns all his CD's so I'll be happily busy listening. I'm 31 years old and have always consider myself a music freak (as in "major fan") but I have been big time humbled by the revelation that Johnny Cash absolutely rocks. I know I'm only talking about one artist here but, as small as it may seem, it really puts in perspective how rich life is with beauty - in so many forms. Next up...Waylon Jennings???

ART OF THE DAY

This is a picture I took of a girl I dated for a short time. I took the picture to be funny but, as far as photographs go, I really like this one. If it wasn't ME that took the photo and I just found it while surfing the web or something, I could imagine this picture being a million different scenarios. For some reason I really like this photograph beyond its perverted nature.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical."
-Trey Parker and Matt Stone

IT'S ALMOST SHAKESPEAREAN

Valentines Day. I'm not going to post anything disparaging about love today. Nor am I going to talk about how love makes the world go around or anything like that. I'm simply going to wish all my blogosphere friends a Happy Valentines Day and leave you with this original poem which I wrote a few years back:


Ode To Love
Fuck you

ART OF THE DAY

In the summer in my neighborhood a few stores will pay homeless people to hold up advertisement signs for them on the corner.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will."
-George Bernard Shaw

LYRIC OF THE DAY

This is "Hotel California" by the Eagles

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
’this could be heaven or this could be hell’
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel california
Any time of year, you can find it here

Her mind is tiffany-twisted, she got the mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the captain,
’please bring me my wine’
He said, ’we haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine’
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
They livin’ it up at the hotel california
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device’
And in the master’s chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
’relax,’ said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!

OH GOODY, I'M DESTINED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A FEMALE HOTEL CLERK IN CALIFORNIA.

Once again I'm going to refer to the personality test I posted last week. One of the descriptions of my personality type is that I "live in a world of hidden meanings." This couldn't be more true. There are two ways that this statement works for me. 1) In regards to people - I'll listen to something someone says or see something they do and find some hidden greater meaning in it. And 2) Events, often small, in my everyday life that could be considered coincidental. I'll talk about number 2 today.

Sometimes something happens to me and I get completely shaken by it. As if it was meant to happen to me and means something that I must figure out. Most of the time I can't connect it to anything and almost ALL of the time the event that occurs is rather small. Something that I think others wouldn't think twice about or just chalk up to coincidence.

For example, this morning I was laying in bed and I started thinking about what I was going to write about on this blog. I have been flirting with the idea of not posting song lyrics anymore because I'm not sure anyone cares about them. So I thought to myself, who are some great bands that I haven't used any lyrics from yet? And I thought of the Eagles. In particular the song Desperado popped into my head. In any case, I fell back to sleep. When I woke up a half hour later I turned on the radio on my alarm clock and Hotel California by the Eagles began to play. It freaked me out. I started wondering what this could mean for me? Of course I understand it could mean nothing. But whenever something like this happens I always take the side of it having some meaning for me. I thought about the Eagles, turned on the radio and the Eagles were playing. Of course I thought about Desperado and they gave me Hotel California. Hmmm, what does THAT mean?

This type of thing happens to me a lot. Not just with music but all kinds of things. Coincidence, does it exist?

Several years ago I attended a play my cousin was directing off-off Broadway here in NYC. One of the important aspects of the play was that it centered around a recurring time - 1:11. Since that time virtually EVERY day I look at the clock at either 11:11 or 1:11. Sometimes I see both times in a day.

This example leads me to believe that I subconsciously make myself look at the clock at these exact times each day because I am subconsciously LOOKING for hidden meanings. Could all these things that happen occasionally be attributed to the "power of the mind?" If so, could I really have an impact on what song plays on the radio? Or is that example coincidence while others are somehow enacted through my subconscious? I know these are only two examples but I don't want to bore you with a million examples - which I could easily provide. Especially if I started talking about the act of writing (which I think would play into the subconscious created theory).

So my hidden meanings - do they mean anything? Do I create them myself? Is it simply coincidence? Is it all of the above?

Whatever the answer I suppose it makes my life a little more interesting. And whatever the answer I don't suppose it will help me to stop obsessing over finding the "hidden meaning."

ART OF THE DAY

This must be a damn good psychic. They knew I would have stolen the sign if it hadn't been chained to the street light!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.
- Miriam Beard

LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Who'll Stop the Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

Long as I remember the rain been comin down.
Clouds of mystry pourin confusion on the ground.
Good men through the ages, tryin to find the sun;
And I wonder, still I wonder, wholl stop the rain.

I went down virginia, seekin shelter from the storm.
Caught up in the fable, I watched the tower grow.
Five year plans and new deals, wrapped in golden chains.
And I wonder, still I wonder wholl stop the rain.

Heard the singers playin, how we cheered for more.
The crowd had rushed together, tryin to keep warm.
Still the rain kept pourin, fallin on my ears.
And I wonder, still I wonder wholl stop the rain.

OF COURSE I WANT TO GO TO A TOPLESS BAR. OH, YOU SAID "TAPAS."

This weekend I booked a flight to Spain for 25 days in March. Although I was born in Naples, Italy (Navy brat), I have never traveled overseas since returning to the United States when I was one year old. I have three friends who are currently living in Spain that are generously helping me out with my itinerary. So far the itinerary looks something like this:

Madrid
Bilbao
Barcelona (with a one-day excursion to Figueres to see the Salvador Dali museum)
Valencia
Granada
Malaga
Morocco (A 2 hour boat ride to the tip of Africa from the South of Spain)
Seville
Cordoba
Back to Madrid

Traveling like this has always been a dream of mine. In fact, I've wanted to do this so badly that even though I've booked my flight I still feel like it might not happen - I've wanted to do this for SO long!

I can't imagine a better way to understand life than to travel the world. I am in awe of the history and progress of the world and so visiting a castle built in 1420 blows my mind. One of the reasons I chose to move to New York City was the old world feel of it all. Something simple like going to a fruit stand when you need fruit, or going to a butcher shop when you need meat was attractive to me for whatever reason. It was certainly different than going to a superstore for anything and everything.

I went to see the movie "Letters From Iwo Jima" this past weekend. I also rented the movies Judgement at Nuremberg and The Americanization of Emily. All three of these movies were very good and I recommend seeing each them. There was an overriding theme to these films - war, honor and humanity. One of the themes however, which is relevant to this post, is how we are essentially all the same...we are human. So although we have divided ourselves by skin color, religious beliefs, and bordered nationalism, the fact remains that under it all, we are human. I don't know if this would necessarily be the best thing for the world or not, I'm sure it would have it's downfalls, but what if our ultimate loyalty wasn't to our families or friends or religion or country? What if our ultimate loyalty was to humanity?

I suppose at its core, religion attempts to do this. It basically asks us to honor a higher power that reveres human life and humankind without exception. I want to emphasise "at its core" because I am very disappointed with what I believe is the corruption of religious values that has been hijacked by power mongers within the church. But I'll save that for another post...

The point being, I am going to travel to Europe and Africa for almost 4 weeks and I am so excited to witness the versatility of humanity and to gain a deeper appreciation of our history and life itself. I'm also extremely nervous to be doing this trip alone! I'm sure my stops in cities where I have friends will be a sight for sore eyes. None the less, I wish I was leaving tomorrow.

ART OF THE DAY

Ok, so I didn't take this picture myself (I did take the screenshot though!). In any case, every time I log out of my myspace page, this girl shows up. I'm in love. Just thought I'd share. Oh, and I have a question - when a girl logs out of myspace, do you see some hot dude? Is it targeted by our profiles? If so, that's pretty cool.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I can't think of anything to write about except families. They are a metaphor for every other part of society."
-Anna Quindlen

LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Love you till Tuesday" by David Bowie

Just look through your window, look who sits outside
Little me is waiting, standing through the night
When you'll walk through your door I'll wave my flag and shout

Oh, beautiful baby
My burning desire started on Sunday
Give me your heart and I'll love you till Tuesday

Who's that hiding in the apple tree, clinging to a branch

Don't be afraid it's only me, hoping for a little romance

If you lie beneath my shade, I'll keep you nice and cool

Oh, beatiful baby
I was very lonely till I met you on Sunday
My passion's never-ending and I'll love you till Tuesday
Let the wind blow through your hair, be nice to the big blue sea
Don't be afraid of the man in the moon, because it's only me

I shall always watch you until my love runs dry

Oh, beautiful baby
My heart's a flame, I'll love you till Tuesday
My head's in a whirl and I'll love you till Tuesday

Love, love, love, love you till Tuesday [x2]

Well, I might stretch it till Wednesday

A WORLD OF WANT

Is the importance and influence of friends reaching the level of family? Currently over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Additionally we have become a society requiring two incomes per family to survive. Do these facts change the structure of society in a way that friends become as important as family in a persons life?

I'm from an "old world" family. My parents are not divorced, although they are a two income family. My grandparents had eight children and each Sunday all the children and their families visit my grandparents and enjoy a rather large, but delicious, meal created by grandma. This is still happening today. As a child it was preached to me that family is all you can count on. I was told that family is the most important thing in life because loyalty doesn't exist anywhere else. And as my friends continued to disappoint me from time to time, I bought into it. I don't say "bought into it" as if I shouldn't have. My family has always been there for me and has never proved the theory wrong. I simply mean it was something ingrained in me.

In today's world family gets less time together. Both parents are typically working which I would imagine has to lessen an influence compared to a family four decades ago. Divorce certainly changes the structure and I could probably speculate for days on how that has an impact on the lessening influence of family. So less time with family means more time with...friends, right? So are friends becoming as influential and important in a societal structure as family? I know several people that seem to place an importance on their friendships equal to that of their family. In some cases, more. Is this a trend? Is this a result of the changes discussed above?

And if this is true and friends are leading larger roles as influencers, how important has a "community" become? Because at that point, as a parent, the community you live in will impact your children's future in ways you probably won't see. I have had a fair amount of discussion with people concerning communities as well. It seems the consensus is that communities are not strong like in the "old days." That in the past, communities would watch out for each other. If you saw your neighbors kids doing something wrong, you would call the parents. And vice versa. I don't know that I agree with the statement that communities aren't as strong, maybe just different. The interesting thought to me is - if communities ARE less close knit, what are the factors involved with that? Are the same factors that are changing the landscape of family the same that are changing communities? If so, how?

Maybe I'm getting old but I can't see many positives in the "new" family structure. Nor can I make myself feel good about the increase on the reliance of friends. I believe a friendship bond at the level of family can happen but I believe it takes years and years of building to do so (and I'm not talking 5 or 6). It used to be that the family bond was automatic. Maybe that has changed a bit as well. In any case, I'm still buying into the "family is the most important" speech but I'm starting to see why others don't. It reads to me like a continued downward slope of isolation for individuals in the world contributing to an increase in confusion and loneliness. And I find it disturbing.

ART OF THE DAY

Seldom have I seen proof that a church has died.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The meek shall inherit the earth? Well...I don't think so. If by meek you mean friendly and introverted, okay maybe, but if by meek you mean unwilling to take a chance, then never. If I was a betting man and I had to wager on who I thought would inherit the earth, my money would be on the curious."
-Jim Coudal

LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Truth Doesn't Make a Noise" by The White Stripes

My baby's got a heart of stone
can't you people just leave her alone
she never did nothing to hurt you
so just leave her alone

The motion of her tiny hands
and the quiver of her bones below
are the signs of a girl alone
and tell you everything
you need to know

I can't explain it
I feel it often
everytime I see her face
but the way you treat her
fills me with rage and I
want to tear apart the place

You try to tell her what to do
and all she does is stare at you
her stare is louder than your voice
because truth doesn't make a noise

GODS TEETER TOTTER

The balance of life. We hear this phrase often. It basically implies that when something "good" happens, something "bad" must happen as well. When someone dies, someone else is born.

I like the thought of a balance in life on a personal level - no extremes. I like the thought of a balance of life even more on a life level - the world will stay balanced.

I have a question for you though - lets say you received a visit from a mystic angel. This angel tells you that the balance of life is a very real thing and that you have an option before you that you can take...or not. No obligation, life can remain as is for you or:

A. You can choose one individual in your life to receive the ultimate existence - basically, this person will live a life of complete bliss from this moment forth. In return, you will live a cold and lonely life. You will lose all your family and friends and have no one to comfort you.

OR

B. You can choose one individual in your life to receive the gift of a horrible existence - basically, this person will live a cold and lonely life. He/She will lose all family and friends and have no one to comfort them. In return, you will live the ultimate existence - a life of complete bliss.

There is no obligation to choose either of these. Likewise, if you believe in god or heaven, there is no repercussion in the after-life for choosing either. It's simply an option available to you since the world needs to be balanced.

What would you do?

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo I took of the NYC skyline from Queens. I must have moved my camera because the image came out blurry - which I really ended up liking. It's one of my favorite photos now.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

LYRIC OF THE DAY

One of the best encore performances I've ever seen was by Aerosmith with the song "Dream On." This song, and these lyrics, have a special place in my heart.

Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It goes by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life
is in books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools and
from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Yeah, sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On

Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away......

SOME PEOPLE SAY I'M FREAKY.

I found this test on a friend's myspace page. It is based off of Carl Jung's theories on personality - I have mentioned before that I read Freud (a little) and Jung. Well Jung's theories always made a lot of sense to me, particularly his stance on dreams.

I really feel like this test came out pretty accurate for the most part. The link to this test is for a somewhat humorous reading but at the bottom of your reading there are links to an in-depth analysis. Ok friends, it's your turn to take the test - after you receive the results, post the full title of your personality (Example: Freak - INSJ) in the comments section so I can look it up and know everything about you (wouldn't that be scary?).

Here is the link http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=3076838567116464195

, you're now logged in!

Below you'll find your test result. After, continue on to your
homescreen to discover what we're about.

continue to OkCupid homescreen >

Freak- INFJ 46% Extraversion, 60% Intuition, 33% Thinking, 80% Judging

Well, well, well. How did someone like you end up with the least common personality type of them all? In a group of 100 Americans, only 0.5 others would be just like you. You really are one of a kind... In fact, I do believe that that's one of the definitions for the word "FREAK." Freak's not such a bad word to describe you actually. You are deep, complex, secretive and extremely difficult to understand. If that doesn't scream "Freak!" I don't know what does. No-one actually knows the REAL you, do they? You probably have deep interests in creative expression as well as issues of spirituality and human development. You've probably even been called a "psychic" before, because of your uncanny knack to understand and "read" people without quite knowing how you do it. Don't fret. You're not actually psychic. That would make you special and you'll never accomplish that. You're also quite possible the most emotional of them all, so don't take this all too hard. Nevertheless you most definitely have the strangest personality type and that's not necessarily a good thing. ***************** If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this. ***************** My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Extraversion You scored higher than 99% on Intuition You scored higher than 99% on Thinking You scored higher than 99% on Judging

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo I took of a homeless man on the streets of NYC. He has signs posted all over his cart saying, "Keep your money." He just wanted to live a simple life of prayer I think. My guess is that he is mentally unstable...but I bet talking to him for a while would prove worthwhile and insightful. At least I like to think so.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault."
-Henry Kissinger

LYRIC OF THE DAY

This is "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" by The Animals

Baby, do you understand me now
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive
Can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that all I have to do is worry
Then you're bound to see my other side
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy I want you to know
That I never mean to take it out on you
Life has it's problems and I get my share
And that's one thing I never meant to do
Because I love you
Oh, Oh baby don't you know I'm human
Have thoughts like any other one
Sometimes I find myself long regretting
Some foolish thing some little simple thing I've done
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Yes, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Yes, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER

Is there a celebrity today that you respect and admire so much that you would mourn their death?

For me the answer is Bono from the rock band U2. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the dedication he has put forth on issues he believes to be of the greatest importance in society. Also, he has somehow kept his musical dignity. He is someone I believe uses his talents and power to try to make a positive impact on the world. I would mourn his death.

Other than Bono I struggle to think of celebrities that I admire and respect. Where are today's role models? Who do/can kids look up to today? A pantyless Britney Spears? A flippant Paris Hilton? I can name a few athletes that I admire but I know nothing about their personal endeavors. They seem to treat people with respect...that's a start I guess.

I just wonder if it's always been this way. Have celebrities always been some sort of grotesque group of freaks that people gaped at through the lens of a talentless photographer? Have role models always been in such short supply? Are their other role models that have dedicated their lives to helping society - above whatever talent they may have that got them to a position of power?

If you can think of a role model, please share it. Also, do you think a lack of role models has always plagued society? Or are we truly living in an age of declined morality?

ART OF THE DAY

This was a picture I took while traveling. I was sitting directly over the wing and it reminded me of some sort of road to heaven.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone."
-Tommy Cooper

LYRIC OF THE DAY

"Steady as She Goes" by the Raconteurs

Find yourself a girl, and settle down
Live a simple life in a quiet town

Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes

Your friends have shown a kink in the single life
You've had too much to think, now you need a wife

Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Well here we go again, you've found yourself a friend, that knows you well
But no matter what you do, you'll always feel as though you tripped and fell

So steady as she goes

When you have completed what you thought you had to do
And your blood's depleted to the point of stable glue

Then you'll get along
Then you'll get along

Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Well here we go again, you've found yourself a friend that knows you well
But no matter what you do, it always feels as though you tripped and fell
So steady as she goes
Steady as she goes

Settle for a girl and buckle down
Send it to the crowd that's gathered round
Settle for a girl and buckle down
Send it to the crowd that's gathered round

So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)

Steady as she goes
Are you steady now?
Steady as she goes
Are you steady now?
Steady as she goes
Are you steady now?
Steady as she goes
Are you steady now?
Steady as she goes

VIRTUAL VAMPIRE VAGINA

I am obsessed with dreams. I've talked to several people who never remember their dreams and others that only remember dreams occasionally. I typically wake up to a memory of between 1 to 3 dreams a night. They are vivid dreams and I can't help but think that if anyone could watch my dreams each night they would label me psychotic.

I've read books by Freud and Jung and tried analyzing my dreams but any verdict would leave quite a bit of reasonable doubt. For instance, one of my more embarrassing dreams happened when I was around 15 years old (I think). I was walking alone on a dirt country road, I felt lost. I came upon an old farmhouse surrounded by absolutely nothing and hesitantly knocked on the front door. A woman answered and invited me in. I couldn't tell if she knew me or was just being overly kind to a stranger. The woman made me dinner and then led me up to a room on the second floor. In the room was a girl (presumably my age) laying in bed. I don't remember the "mother" saying anything to me but for some reason I got the idea that I was supposed to have sex with her daughter. The woman left the girl and I alone in the room and locked the door so I couldn't escape. I started making out with the girl who was far more aggressive than I ever would have imagined. They were hard kisses and she was almost strangling me with arms wrapped around my neck. I reached down between her legs and felt something strange. Cold metal. I jumped up and threw back the covers - she had metal teeth for a vagina...which were opening and closing in a chomping motion! Well, obviously I got freaked out and started frantically looking for a way to escape. The girl started crying and I could hear the mother coming up the stairs. I escaped out of the second floor window and made my way to the ground where I started running down the road. The mother started chasing after me yelling for me to return. Then I woke up.

Now this dream could easily be identified as representing my anxiousness and insecurity with sex - which I hadn't had at this point in my life. I also must have felt pressure to have sex which would have been represented by the mother. But I get the feeling that there is even more involved than that. I've given up trying to analyze my dreams because the subconscious creates such crazy scenarios. I can't figure out if every dream has a point or not - some seem completely insane with no relevance to me...but I'm sure it is relevant somehow.

The other night I experienced deja vu. I was out with friends and someone said something that made me a bit dizzy. I knew I had experienced it before, which was impossible since I had just met these people. I believe there have been times when I have dreamt something from the future. I'm not saying my dreams predict the future but occasionally I feel like I have dreamt a scenario and then when it happens I get a little dizzy because I know I've experienced it already.

In any case, I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I do think about dreams often, particularly because I think they are prime examples of how complicated we are as humans and how complicated life is. There is so much mystery, not only in the world, but inside each of us. Which I think makes life even that much more exciting and interesting. And I think it also proves that we are capable of so much more than we'll probably ever know.

So now that I have told you my embarrassing adolescent dream, care to share a dream you have had? It doesn't have to be embarrassing, just a dream that has stuck with you for some time. Come on, don't be shy...

ART OF THE DAY

I like this photo for some reason. I took it one day as I was walking to the park.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is."
-George Bernard Shaw

LYRIC OF THE DAY

This is "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

WE BOTH LIKE TO SHOWER NAKED! LETS GET MARRIED!

I had a rather interesting evening last night which continued through to the wee hours of the morning. I was introduced by a friend to an eccentric character - we'll call him Adam. Adam appeared to be the type of guy who is a genius with technology (he works IT) but is a little socially inept. So Adam was shy, and I was struggling to get more than a yes or no answer at first from him regardless of the question. But a few beers later and the guy opened up. He told me about how he had just suffered through a tough divorce caused by cocaine abuse. Basically he had a friend die of an overdose which made him realize he needed to clean up his life. His wife, also a fan of the coke, didn't agree. So they broke up. I asked Adam if cocaine had been the common trait between the two of them and he said, "Other than a love for getting high we didn't have anything in common."

This got me thinking about my past few relationships and the commonalities between the women and me. What I realized is that I have a penchant for going after women that are far more different from me than alike? You've heard the phrase "opposites attract" but can "opposites" sustain a healthy relationship? Do dating services have it right? Should we be looking to find a "match" by pairing ourselves with people who share similar passions?

Adam and his ex-wife shared a passion for cocaine which obviously didn't work out. I know there isn't an equation for a successful relationship but does, lets say, people with shared interests in certain areas have a better shot? I'm sure the TYPE of passion figures into this equation as well but none-the-less, I really wonder if a relationship based on respect alone could be enough.

ART OF THE DAY

I'm going to try to post photos I have taken in the hopes that it forces me to start using my camera more. I took this picture because I liked the contrast of the fishing poles and the city backdrop.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I am not young enough to know everything."
-Oscar Wilde

LYRIC OF THE DAY

"I Believe in You" by Neil Young

Now that you found yourself
losing your mind
Are you here again?
Finding that what you once
thought was real
Is gone, and changing?

Now that you made yourself
love me
Do you think
I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say
That I believe in you
I believe in you.

Coming to you at night
I see my questions
I feel my doubts
Wishing that maybe
in a year or two
We could laugh
and let it all out

Now that you made
yourself love me
Do you think
I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say
That I believe in you
I believe in you.

I DEFINITELY SMELL A PORK PRODUCT OF SOME KIND

There was a quote I posted earlier by Friedrich von Schiller which said, "Keep true to the dreams of thy youth."

I started thinking back to all the professions I wanted to be when I was a child. The progression went something like this:

Pig Farmer (and why not?!)
Writer
Miniature Golf Course Owner (I even put together a business plan with a model based around selling pop)
Baseball Player
Business Owner (Nothing specific)
Writer/Film Director

I've never had one profession that I felt like HAD to happen. I know some people that at the age of ten knew they were going to be a lawyer. And they became a lawyer. I don't think I've ever had that feeling of destiny before. I'm not so sure it's a bad thing...just how it is.

If you wouldn't mind sharing - when you were a child, what did you want to grow up to be?

ART OF THE DAY

I'm really liking looking through Flickr.com. Here is a photograph entitled "I'm a Fake" and a poem posted by CamiBrilla.nerfdelavida. Whoa, heavy stuff! I love the title and the photo. The poem seems genuinely sad.

Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife