HE'S SUCH A NICE WUSSY

Today I went to see a play that my cousin was acting in. It was a very dark script but a well executed staging. The acting was really good (yes, I'm biased). The basic theme of the play was about resentment. A mother resented her husband's weakness and saw her son exhibiting these same weaknesses...so she started hating him as well. The son ends up having an accident and becoming brain dead. The mother thinks this is better than him turning into someone as weak as her husband.

I guess its kind of like the "nice guy finishes last" saying. No one really respects a guy that is so nice he lets people walk all over him. There has to be a line. I think it's an interesting subject. Say you have a nice guy that doesn't stick up for himself ever. Of course no one will respect him. They will say he has no self-respect if he's letting people kick him around all the time. But what if this character actually does have self-respect for his kind nature although it holds him down from achieving a certain job level or financial status. What if this man finds self-respect in his strength to NOT fight back. Is this guy still a sucker? I'd say probably. But in this case at least, I'd respect his idealistic, albeit naive, life choices.

WAIT AND HOPE

I just got home from a weekend in Detroit (my home town). I saw my brother and his family, and visited with my Aunts and Uncles as well. It is amazing how much I bitch about being alone and yet when I see first-hand the incredible amount of work that goes into sustaining a relationship my knees buckle. I wonder if I can do it. Or maybe a more honest way of putting it is: I wonder if I really WANT to do it.

On a different subject...sort of. I just finished reading The Count of Monte Cristo. It was a fantastic book - long, but well worth it. The moral of the story is (if you haven't read it but think you may, don't read any further) - that despair can be overcome by understanding the power of two words - "wait" and "hope." The overarching theme of a screenplay I'm currently writing is very similar: "you can't predict the future." These are the themes I need to think about when despair creeps into my life.

There have been times when I wanted to end my life. I never gave it a serious try but, at times, pleaded with God for his mercy. The fact that I'm writing this means it wasn't granted. At least not in the way I had requested. The fact is, I DID receive mercy. The mercy however wouldn't be granted for years after my plea. If there is something I have learned in life (at least as much as we believe we have learned) it's that you never know what is in store. Life may seem worthless or too painful for an effort. But you don't know what lies ahead for you. If you have it within you to "wait" and "hope" you may be pleasantly surprised. And if you aren't...well, at least you'll know.

IF ONLY SOMEONE WOULD KICK ME IN THE BALLS

Where does a disposition come from? I'm asking because over the years I've realized that I have a rather depressing disposition. It seems that I am in my comfort zone when something bad has happened or I'm dealing with adversity. I don't feel comfortable being happy. Typically, after a relationship has not worked out for me I feel sad at first but then relieved. And then I find solace in my loneliness. I don't think it's natural to have "solace" and "loneliness" in the same sentence. I would like to be comfortable with happiness so that I strive for it each day. But instead I find comfort in my pain. An unnatural emotion to strive for. I recently had someone laugh at me for placing the song "Creep" by Radiohead on my myspace page. They said my feelings of inadequacy are a facade. They aren't, I can assure you. But this person may be right in the sense that I attempt to keep myself boxed into a body of longing. Constant longing. In every aspect of my life. It frustrates me. How attractive can someone in constant longing be?

So where does a persons disposition come from? Can it change? Am I doomed to hold myself down in search for comfort within my life? - a comfort placing me steps away from grabbing anything and everything I desire...

MY STOMACH IS RETARDED

So my last post talked about a feeling I had in my stomach indicating that something positive was on the horizon. Unfortunately, my stomach appears to be retarded. Nothing has happened. Which I guess is better than something bad happening...

Today I decided to treat myself and take a day off of working on my writing. I walked around the city (New York City) and stopped into a few shops and bookstores and stuff. It is my favorite past time - just walking around the city. So much to see and explore. But as I was strolling down St. Marks street I realized how unique we all are. Even when we are trying to be the same. I need to remember this because I often feel that there isn't anything about me that someone couldn't find in someone else. And although that may be true, it would take an amazing match to find two people that are identical in every way. So the odds say that although many people may have a lot of the same qualities as me, they don't have them all. And maybe that is where I should place my focus as opposed to dwelling on the similarities. Does this make sense?

MY STOMACH TALKS

Do you ever have one of those days where you know something bad is coming? It's a feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach and you don't know why...but you know you will soon? I get that occasionally. But that's not what I'm posting about here. Today I experienced the OPPOSITE of that feeling. I have this strange calm inside me as if something good is going to happen. I have no idea what it could be but I feel like sometime soon something positive is going to present itself to me. I'll let you know if that turns out to be true. Fingers crossed...

AMBITION IS THE CURSE OF THE TALENTLESS

Several months ago I was writing in my journal and the title of this post came to me. I scribbled it in the margin and promised to revisit it at a later date.

So here I am.

If there is one thing I have been told by a great variety of people it's that I am ambitious to the nth degree. When I set my mind to something (which is usually the struggle) I accomplish it. It may not always work to perfection but seldom is it left unfinished.

But here I sit at the age of 31. I have quit my job - which took me ten years of hard work to achieve a position of authority. I am chasing after my dream life (which I sometimes doubt is really my dream) of writing and filming as a lifestyle.

Maybe I'm not good enough to make it as a writer. Maybe my vision with film is nothing special. It occurs to me that if I wake up and I'm 50 years old, broke and tired and still "chasing after my dreams" that ambition will have been my curse. And so will my dreams. So maybe the title of this post should be "Ambition and dreams are the curse of the talentless."

Ambition and dreams can propel people to success. But can they also hold people down?

2+2=5

Things about me I can't reconcile (another bi-product of losing out on a quest of love):

1. I like who I have become, on the inside...for the most part.
2. I've always considered myself "average" looking - I'm just okay with it (don't I have to be?!).
3. Three of the last four girls I pursued chose other men over me.
3a. If I was them I would have too.

REMEMBER THE ALAMO

I haven't been posting as much as normal because I'm working on a business venture that I hope will bring in some cash so I can continue writing some more.

I'm in a bit of a funk today. A girl I had a crush on informed me this morning that she hooked up with some guy last night and they were going on a date tonight. She knows how I feel about her but I don't think she is attracted to me in any way outside of friendship (obviously!). So it goes. I knew that the odds of us ever trying to date was extremely slim but I still hoped. I suppose if there is any good to come from this it's that I can move forward now with certainty. Still, it hurts. But it isn't the first time I've had a pain in the heart and it won't be the last.

I try to remember all the people I've met through volunteering that have such huge obstacles to overcome in their lives and how puny my little "problem" is. That always helps put things in perspective. It also makes me feel foolish for being so depressed over a woman not liking me. The other thing I need to remind myself is that I can't MAKE someone like me. I can't FORCE myself to be attractive to someone. It's too bad though! I wish I had a little love potion I could spill into a drink and remedy my loneliness. Maybe that's the business venture I should look into...how much money do you think I could make if I could create a love potion?

Okay, I'm done with my self pity...for the day at least. Tomorrow is a new day...

A GREAT FRIEND, NOTHING MORE

Apparently I make a great friend. Over the years I have had a half-dozen women ask me to be their husband...IF...they are still single at the age of 35 or 40. FYI - three of these cases are still pending.

At first I took this as a compliment. That somehow they were saying I was worthy of marrying if they couldn't find the "perfect" man. And of course no one is perfect so... But now I consider this an insult. Am I boring? Am I ugly? Am I not sexy? What is it? Why do I make a good friend but nothing more...unless they're desperate and have run out of options before the ol' biological clock stops ticking.

The kicker to all this is that as much as it angers me to think about this, I agree with it. Yes, that's right, I agree. I don't blame them in the least. I would look for someone more exciting, taller, richer, funnier, smarter etc. I would. I can't blame them for that. Half the time when I meet someone who I really like (maybe even love) I feel like my being with them is a disservice because they deserve better. It sucks to feel that way. Some people say it's a commitment issue. I don't agree. To me, it's more of an issue of true, heart-breaking love. A love so desired that even you aren't good enough for the person. Of course, this isn't healthy. But I don't think there is a fix to this except for just moving past it and realizing that the choice is theirs, not mine.

Anyhow, back to the point of the post. Why are so many women willing to make me their second choice and "best option for a last resort." Should I NOT be offended by this?

Ah, fuck it. I'm not sure it matters anymore. I've given up on love...at least until the next cute girl smiles at me. What a shitty cycle.

ART OF THE DAY

I took this photo while walking around the city one evening. It was midnight and I couldn't sleep so I grabbed my camera and walked around. I love how it came out - the sky was a weird color that night. The funny thing from the evening is that I had to walk through the projects to get to the park and I got cat-called by a group of female teenagers. And as pathetic as it sounds, yes, my confidence rose. And yes, it's even MORE pathetic writing that sentence!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS CRUMMY WORLD

First off, I want to apologize for the delay in posts lately...for all two of you who read this blog. :-)

I have been struggling lately in my quest to figure out my next move in life: Do I go back to work for "the man?" Do I try my hand at my own venture? Do I continue writing screenplays although I have doubts in my abilities? These questions have been keeping me up at night and I think I finally settled on trying my own venture, which if it works, will allow me to keep writing and filming a project this summer. Fingers crossed!

I have come to the conclusion however that my disposition in life is not what I would like it to be. The truth is, I will NEVER be satisfied with my life or myself. I'm always looking to "improve" and that is a never-ending process. I'm not sure I will ever allow myself to be "happy." It's too bad, because I have a deep understanding for all the beauty we have been blessed with in this life...which is probably why I have this disposition...I feel a need to give back every ounce I can in recognition of the life I have been granted...and in no way will anything I ever do be good enough.