STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

I received an e-mail this afternoon from a friend of mine who requested that I edit an essay she wrote to help her get into graduate school. She entitled the project, "Statement of Purpose." Basically she listed the impactful experiences that have built who she is, what she hopes to accomplish, and how graduate school is a necessity for her to achieve her goal of bettering herself as an educator.

As I read through the essay it occurred to me that everyone should have to write a Statement of Purpose for their life. To really understand why we are pointed in the direction we are heading, what we truly hope to find at the end of the path, and what we need to get there. I'm going to give it a shot. It will probably take me awhile, but, if I'm comfortable doing so, I may post it here after it has been completed. And if anyone reading this feels compelled to do so, please send me yours at postmaster@myironicfate.com and I'll post it here.

COSTLY QUESTIONS

I'm currently reading the book, "How to Change the World - Social Entrepreneurs and the Power of New Ideas." It's a fantastic book featuring amazing people dedicating their lives to extreme causes. I admire these individuals for everything they pursue and everything they are. A social entrepreneur is someone who finds a way to achieve economic gains as a means towards bringing people together to solve social issues.

The common trait of the social entrepreneurs is their selflessness. They aren't finding ways to prosper while solving social problems, they find economic platforms as a solution to "make" other people care about the social issues. The individuals leading these efforts seldom make any money themselves. I admire it. I want to be like that. But as I'm reading this book nagging questions keeps popping into the back of my mind...how do these people make money? Without a 401k how will they retire?

I wish I didn't think like that. I wish I could give up those pragmatic thoughts and just follow a passion of compassion. But I find it very difficult.

UNDERWEAR FROM THE DOLLAR STORE

I had drinks with a co-worker last night who is interested in joining the fashion industry. I can't dress. I have absolutely no taste when it comes to clothing, and maybe that's why I've always ridiculed fashion as an arrogant, pretentious club. I never understood celebrating someone for what they wore when what it was covering up was really important.

However, the girl I went out with last night may have convinced me otherwise. She spoke of the importance of fashion in making people feel good and increasing moral. She spoke of how fashion is a badge that can unite people and make them feel less alone. She was passionate about it, and I bought it. It's hard not to believe someone when they are truly passionate in their delivery.

Her pep talk didn't educate me on how to dress properly, I'll still match colors wrong and buy from Target, but I can see a different perspective on an industry I thought contributed little to society. I'm still not a pro-fashion guy, but if more people working in the industry had the same perspective and passion for the positive that my co-worker has, then I could change my opinion quite quickly.

YOU CAN DO AS I DO AS LONG AS WHAT I DO IS SLEEP

I wanted to write a post tonight about a close friend of mine who is currently struggling with the illness of her father. I wanted to share my history with this person as she is probably as close to a confidant as I've ever had. It takes a lot to get that close to me and boy, have we ever been through a lot. She certainly paid her dues.

The reason I'm writing in past tense is because I can't write what I had initially intended. I found that I don't have the words to express my pride, respect and love for this friend. I have two people in my life (this friend being one of them) where, if I was to write honestly about them it would come across fake...when in actuality it would be nothing but sincere.

So I'm not going to attempt it. The words don't do it justice. I just hope this person knows how highly I think of them, and that I can be there for her as she deals with her father's medical problems, and as she encounters new struggles along the path of her life. It's the least I can do for the simple privilege of watching her become the person she has become. Even though we didn't meet until we were in our late teens - we grew up together.

You know the saying, "you can judge a person by the company he keeps"? Well, I could never live up to that with the company of someone like her. It pains me to see her upset, but at the same time I feel confident she will survive and use this experience in as positive a way as can be. Because that's who she is. And that's just one of the remarkable things about her - she may, like all of us, let something beat her down a bit, but she will never let anything finish her off.

My faith in the possible, or impossible, is stronger because of the example she sets. If only all of us could understand the power of being an example. If each of us tried to be the best example we could be, what kind of world would we have? A world I could be proud of.

I LURRRRRVE YOU

I've spoken often about how my writing is typically overly emotional. When I look back at my journal, or even this blog, I am immediately stricken with "red face" and my embarrassment usually leads to eyebrow raises and internal scoffing...sometimes even name calling...I can be vicious internally!

I wish I could strike a compromise between my writing and my verbalizing. I often find myself with writers block of the mouth - difficulty in describing emotions. There have been times in the past when I wanted to blurt out, "I love you," but couldn't. I couldn't summon up the strength. Yet I could create a ten-page poem dedicated to the ignorant individual within minutes of arriving home.

I haven't grown up. I'm still that young child passing notes to the cute schoolgirl nearby. Or even the brat pulling on the pigtails of his crush. It's less endearing when you're 31.

I can't really explain where my fear of verbalizing my emotions comes from but I wish my writing would offer up some encouragement.

A PIECE OF STRING IN MY BALL OF TWINE

If I look at my life through a film lens I can see the stereotypes that make up the character I am today. When I sit down to write a script I start off with the main character - what would he wear? What was his childhood like? Was he an altar boy? Did his parents divorce? etc. etc. The answer to these questions are invariably stereotypes. If my character is a disillusioned, angry youth, you dress him in grunge or punk clothing. That way, the audience, consciously or subconsciously, makes assumptions and you want those assumptions to lead them to specific place.

Looking at myself as a character is interesting - I see the stereotypes that make up who I am. For instance, up until recently I've obsessed about loneliness. I've really focused a little bit too much on forcing love to me instead of waiting patiently. When I was seven years old I told my mother I needed glasses. I didn't need glasses, at least not yet. I asked for glasses because the girl I liked in my class wore glasses. I still remember that to today. That would go into the background of the character that is me.

That's just one example. I was an altar boy, my parents are still together but endured rocky times, my father was a father too early, I'm short, I was a good athlete only because I outworked people, I fought against expectations. I could go on and on. The point is, every day is an experience that assembles the person we are becoming...or the person we are to become, depending on your point of view. If we look with an open mind I think we can see why we are the way we are...which is freaky and kind of exciting at the same time.

If I thought about this every time I had a decision to make, no matter how big or how small that decision may be, I think I'd lead a better life and be a better person.

THE STEAMROLLER

I always hoped that I was a gifted enough writer to be successful with the craft one day - whether through a screenplay, book or articles. But I constantly question it.

This weekend I was thinking about the major differences between who I am now and who I was ten years ago. I've spoken about the release of my anger, the decline in tormented confusion, the comfort in my own skin etc. One thing that has also changed is my tenacity. Maybe it directly correlates to my anger. Although I still feel as though I can accomplish anything I truly desire, I don't feel the tenacity I once did. I think tenacity may be a prerequisite for success.

I'm not saying I don't have tenacity, I'm saying it isn't as strong as it once was. I wrote about it in a post a while back where I talked about missing my anger. I think that may have been wrong - I think it was the tenacity I was missing.

ALTERING A PREDICTED FUTURE

I want to express my sorrow and sympathy over today's events in Pakistan. It is especially eerie to me considering the two postings yesterday. I hope my Pakistani friends, their family and friends, are safe and well. Please drop me a comment to let me know you are okay. Additionally, if you feel like it, I would appreciate hearing your thoughts.

May I never have to learn my world geography through another event like this; the four provinces are Balochistan, Sindh, North-West Frontier, Punjab.

I DON'T KNOW THE 4 PROVINCES :-(

I LOVE what this blog has brought to my life and continues to do so. I stopped over at my friend A. Joe's blog to see what was happening in her life - she is an amazing writer with a skill for crafting her emotions in an empathetic way.

Anyhow, I saw that she had written a post about me - it wasn't flattering BUT it was true. This is the kind of discussion that I enjoy so much because I learn. I'll play devil's advocate at times and push back on ideas even if I don't really think that way (so know that) - for some reason that greatly intensifies my learning curve. Anyhow, check out her post, I left a comment. I would like to continue the conversation so anyone else, please feel free to post a comment on her blog or my blog with your thoughts on this topic. I'd love to hear what other people in other countries, or the U.S., think of this and any solutions/thoughts/ideas you might have. Here's the link:
http://blank-face.blogspot.com/2007/10/pak-sar-zameen-shad-baad.html

THE DAY THE WORLD DIED

I was watching a show on the History Channel about ancient Mayan prophecies. One such prediction was that the world would end on December 21, 2012. IF this were somehow proven to be scientifically sound, how would your life change? What would you do differently?

I wish I had a hundred readers so I could get a wide sample of responses to this question, because my first thought is that we should live every day as if we knew the world would end on December 21, 2012. However, I suppose there is the possibility that someone would have a take that proved contrary to this assumption.

So, for my few loyal bloggies, how would your life change? What would you do different?

ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY - BUT IT FELL RATHER QUICK

I've been dealing with a friend of mine who just learned that her father has cancer. The doctor has given him one month to live - it's all happening so fast. Obviously she is devastated and I want nothing more than to say something that will make her feel better. Instead I've morphed into a giant ear. No mouth is necessary, I mean, what can you say?

Her father is the same age as my parents so it has created a multitude of thoughts and fears. Something my friend said referring to her father, "he will never meet my children" has really stuck with me.

I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for being the forces in life that we are. Most people can name a handful of individuals that they would want their children to meet. Those same individuals would, most likely, be named again when asked which people have had the greatest impact in shaping who you are. Or which people most closely resemble us.

And seldom do those people in our lives understand their impact on us. Somehow it slips through the cracks. We, as individuals, have a host of powers capable of increasing the quality of life for an individual and thus the world as a whole. We are using these powers every day...and we don't even know it.

If you are spiritually inclined, or even if you have just a tiny speck of confidence in a god (or many gods for all you Romans reading this), please say a prayer for my friend, her father, and her family.

SEARCHING MY SHADOW

I have always been attracted to women that were wildly different from me. There was the hippie chick, the goth girl, the wealthy socialite, the immigrant, the promiscuous trailer-park babe...actually, I've dated two of those. I guess I kind of bought into the phrase "opposites attract."

What I THINK I've come to realize is that by choosing drastically different mates I was, in fact, searching for myself. And it turns out I'm a mix of each of them. Either I had all these elements within me grasping at the matching puzzle piece...or, through my interaction with each of them, I gathered the elements to create the puzzle. I think it's a little of both.

Now, for the first time in my life, I'm looking for someone...like me. Because now I have a better understanding of what that means. Hopefully I don't end up being insanely unique!

DECONSTRUCTNG THE RECLINER

I have been searching so hard for what it is I can put my passion fully behind. I have so much passion and compassion in me that it feels ready to burst. It seems as if it's been ages that I've been hunting this elusive path unsuccessfully.

I was watching Bill Cosby promote his new book entitled, "Come on People." The book deals with the tough issues facing African American society - particularly parenting and a social support structure. Anyhow, he is so passionate about this topic that it radiates from him. You just know that each evening he lays down to sleep he feels content with his day's activities. He may not feel accomplished but certainly he's aware of the direction he treads...and it's right.

As I watched the interview I realized that I need to stop looking and start doing. I need to volunteer more, I need to really research the topics that come to mind. I'm in a situation right now where I can forge my own path. Everything seems aligned. Instead of waiting for the man with the machete I need to grab the tool myself and start hacking away.

I'M EXPECTING YOUR BABY WILL BE TALL

I'm just going to blurt this out. I know it's crazy but it's something I need to deal with and, now that I recognize it, I mine as well write about it.

I've spoken previously about how I THINK I've subconsciously plotted to destroy every romantic relationship I've had. A close friend of mine, who pointed this out to me, asked why I feel unworthy of being with someone. I've thought about that a lot because, in a way, I think she's on the right track. But it isn't so much that I feel unworthy to be with them, instead I feel so strongly for them that I feel they deserve the best the world has to offer. I can't possibly give them what I feel they are entitled to. And I don't believe this is a self-deprecating thought, I understand what I have to offer people and I'm content with it. No, it's simply about loving someone so much that I don't want to be the roadblock to the happiness and perfection I think they deserve.

Of course I know the odds of someone being in a "perfect" relationship is pretty much nil, but I hold out hope that for this special person in my life it may be possible. And I ask them to search.

LUCIFER WAS CAST OUT OF HEAVEN

I promise an uplifting post in the coming days - I'm really rather content right now...but I've been thinking of this particular topic recently and wanted to share it.

I don't know when this started exactly, but it's been a long time. I have, for lack of a more accurate word, "enjoyed" torturing myself. I wrote a post about this earlier when I referred to myself as an emotional cutter. It's as if at some point in my youth I offended god in the worst way. As if I committed a solitary crime involving all ten commandments.

For the rest of my days I've had this subconscious desire to torment myself as a tool to make amends with the Almighty over this vicious offense of which I'm ignorant of. In doing so, I gain some sort of peace within my affliction. For many years now I've been laying myself on the altar and piercing myself with a butter knife. I say butter knife because none of the wounds have been fatal. They hurt, but they continuously miss the artery. And oddly enough after the initial stab is thrust and the post-burning sensation dims, I'm left with a sort of relief...a deep sigh of the soul. I realize that a majority of these wounds are self inflicted, that my hand alone holds the dagger (er, I mean butter knife), but I'm afraid it has become an addiction. I think I need a patch to stick on my arm that will slowly distribute a pitiful pain into my blood stream until eventually I'm weened off the effects.

I like feeling sorry for myself. I like feeling like the underdog. I like feeling unworthy. I like being my own adversary.

It's crucial that I repair this habit to lead a healthier life so that I don't wake up one morning on the altar and take a look around at the surrounding mountains, trees, and sun only to realize that the warmth from the enormous star above feels better than the burning of a wound.

I know this, yet I find myself clenching the knife all too often. The good news is that it happens far less now than in the past. Baby steps.

LIVING FOR TODAY IN FEAR OF TOMORROW

I keep telling myself that if I concentrate on being the best person I can be, I can influence the world in a positive way simply by example. The problem is that I don't know that I truly believe this, and it would be somewhat less gratifying I think.

I'm constantly trying to imagine ways I can contribute to altering society into a more positive direction - whether through a business opportunity or volunteering. But I get overwhelmed by the worlds problems and it seems almost hopeless to think any one person can make such a big difference. I know I should be pleased if I can find a way to contribute towards making ONE person's life better. I think I could find solace in that...but in all honesty I want more. I want to be a part of something that influences change in a major way. I'm greedy.

There is one thought that sits in the back of my head. I try to kill it, try to keep it buried in the dark. But it surfaces from time to time, particularly when I'm focusing on finding solutions to social problems - and in the process finding a direction and purpose in my life. The thought is - does any of it matter? If I found a way to help a million people live easier lives, and then the world ended in a ball of fire, and there was nothing waiting to embrace us after our demise...would it matter? Would any of this matter?

I think I should end this post by saying that I recognize that this is a question that is unanswerable. It has no truth of which I will ever be privy too in this life, so I shouldn't use it as an excuse to keep myself from committing to something. Having said that, I still struggle with it from time to time. I think it's some sort of defense mechanism...but I'll leave that analysis to the psychologists...

THE BAPTISM

It's 9:00pm on a Tuesday evening. My roommate is at a Bruce Springsteen concert and won't be home until well after midnight. The traffic outside my window has slowed, barely a car an hour is passing by. I finished dinner and leaned back on the couch in my apartment, when it began to rain. Not a hard rain, but a constant rain. I can hear the drops playing their pitch in nature's integrated band - the leaves, the pavement, the window shutter, the air conditioning unit. I feel at peace with the tune. It puts me at ease.

I'm not sure why the rain is so comforting, but it can lull me to sleep in an instant. It's cleansing the world and tomorrow when I awake things will shine a little bit brighter.

JEKYLL AND HYDE

Tonight was gym night, I need to get buff for the ladies ya know. Actually, funny side story - I was walking home from the gym when an overweight Hispanic woman wearing really trashy clothes passed by me on the sidewalk. She looked my up and down and then made the yummy sound. You know, "mmmmmmmm." I couldn't help but laugh the rest of the way home like a lunatic. That was too funny. I think she may have been a prostitute but I'm still taking it as a compliment damn it!

Back to the original point of the post - there I am feeling hamster-esque on the treadmill with my headphones blaring away. I fall into my typical daydream state and begin to imagine myself in all kinds of different situations. I see myself in different jobs, living in different places, all kinds of things. The one constant in this fantasy is how I see myself. I spoke in a previous post that I have dueling demeanor's. I can be an outgoing, friendly, conversation facilitator, or I can be a content, quiet observer. In my fantasy I'm always the outgoing, friendly facilitator.

I would wager that it's common sense that I would see myself this way in my dreams, who enjoys watching themselves as a corner lamp? But it begs the question, am I taking advantage of what I consider a kind of skill? Since as far back as I can remember I've been good at relating to people. I don't always enjoy playing the part of the outgoing, friendly facilitator BUT I think it's something I'm good at.

I wonder if I shouldn't reserve the corner lamp for home use only.

OKAY, GO HIDE AND I'LL COUNT TO TEN

I remember telling a friend of mine a couple of years back that I had finally accepted who I was. The implication within that statement is that I had "found myself." And to a degree I think that is true...to a degree. There is always a lot of talk about individuals needing to find themselves, particularly when someone does something wrong or gets themselves into a difficult situation. Why is finding yourself such a difficult and allusive task?

I think it's because there is no such thing as finding yourself completely. I firmly believe that life is a constant learning experience and this includes a natural evolution of self. I don't think you "find yourself" and then that's it - you are who you are and can now live a consistent life. Every day brings new experiences that can alter our perceptions, and reveal inner secrets. So if these experiences lead to constant change, how can we ever find ourselves? I mean I suppose it's possible that we can find ourselves at a given place in time - what I'm saying is that we don't have this person inside each of us that once unlocked acts as a guide for who we will be to the very day we die.

I've found certain things out about myself, some more important than others in an attempt to build a level of comfort with who I am, but I can't say I've definitively found myself. I don't think that's possible unless I become too stubborn to continue learning.

I'M OUTRAGED BY THE ROOF OVER MY HEAD

I just finished reading the book Helter Skelter. For those unfamiliar, it's the story of Charles Manson and his merry gang of murderers. I knew the basic overview of what Manson and his cult did but I had no idea just how insane the whole thing really was. It went against every rule of humanity that we've ever "learned." I had yet to be born when the trial took place.

I guess the most overwhelming part of the story isn't that someone committed murder, it's that Manson could amass a dozen (and more after his arrest) teenagers and young-adults, mostly female, to do anything he asked - including murder in the most gruesome of ways. At the age of thirty Manson had already spent a majority of his life behind bars. He was barely literate, and wasn't a terribly attractive man. How did he do it? It was Hitleresque.

I think I agree with the opinion of the author, who was the prosecuting attorney in the trial(s), that it was partly a result of social circumstance. The Vietnam War was a disaster, the Hippie era had accomplished the important goal (certainly at the time) of revolting against the previous societal norms and political power play...but eventually, and at the time of Manson's strongest influence, had spun a bit out of control, lost its focus, and, possibly, fell into a state of ambivalence - everything it previously had fought against. History has recorded the Manson guilty verdict as the official end of the 60's era.

There was a generation of people lost and wandering - searching for something, anything that felt more real than the disillusioned reality that had taken over the 60's. The ingredients were right for someone like Manson to be taken seriously. I bring this up because I feel like we aren't that far off, as a new global society, from another big revolution by a generation. I feel like the young people of today are in that ambivalent rut and it's only a matter of time and circumstance that makes them truly care...makes them begin to search. My hope is that a movement comes along that lurches society in a corrective direction...and not one that sets someone like Manson on a pedestal. My guess is that one rarely happens without the other.

When you are young and surrounded by enough of the world's comforts, it's tough to be outraged. Eventually, something happens that can override years of turning the other cheek. I can't help but imagine that we are getting closer to that inevitability each day. Does anyone agree or does this just sound like a conspiracy theory?

A BOULDER IN MY GUT

Do we control our instincts? I speak often on this blog about following my instincts. I've mentioned my strong faith in my instincts is due to a solid track record - it has seldom led me astray. But as I proved just a few posts back (the Suicide post), my instincts are certainly fallible.

I was at a friend's apartment last night and she is faced with a difficult decision: Does she stay with the man she has been dating for the past six months or return to her ex-boyfriend of over five years? The ex has confessed his love passionately and deeply regrets letting her go. The current boyfriend is good to her and she can see a possible future there as well. However, she is torn.

She asked my advice. I told her that I would recommend getting away for a weekend so she can be by herself and, hopefully, by creating some distance from the people involved, see the situation more clearly. Then I asked her what her gut said. I felt that her answer to this question would probably not only indicate which way she was leaning but also which way she SHOULD be leaning. Her answer was, "I feel absolutely nothing. I feel completely bland, blah, whatever. I don't think one decision is better than the other, nor do I feel one is worse than the other."

My suspicion is that she is doing this to herself to prolong making a decision. She is prolonging her agony, which is something I think she likes to do sometimes. She is ignoring her gut - or hiding it under a sheet of ambivalence. She then said, "I think I'm the type of person that will never be happy." I agreed. Not because she can't be, but because she doesn't want to be. It's so funny how that statement pertaining to her seems so ridiculous to me but when it pertains to me it's substantial and valid.

I'm getting a bit off track here - my question is - are our instincts spontaneous visions or are they simply a sum of the truths contained in a series of related experiences? For example, one day I had a feeling, seemingly out of nowhere, that a girlfriend had cheated on me. I called her and "bluffed" that I "knew what was going on." She confessed. Had I been sprinkled with some mystical dust that morning that revealed this hidden truth? Or had a series of previous experiences with this girl led me to an intersection where doubt met truth? And by accepting it, as opposed to ignoring it, I happened to be timely with my accusation? Is there a skill involved? Is it a natural gift? Or is it subconsciously controlled? Is the skill involved actually the discipline to accept a verdict, as opposed to a divine inspiration?

In a way it reminds me of the debate between fate and coincidence. I've always had trouble chalking things up to coincidence. To me, it was like winning the lotto way too many times. Somehow fate seems more logical - which is absolutely absurd to "intellectuals" but I feel there is a case for a strong debate there. Anyhow, I'll save that for another post.

Looking back at what I've just written I can see a biased slant to this topic. It's consistent with my overall belief structure though...so I've got that going for me...(what a strange post to end with a Caddyshack reference).

YOU CAN COME OVER BUT YOU CAN'T TALK...AND TRY NOT TO BREATH TOO LOUD

I'm extremely surprised at the length of time in which I've sought solitude. I'd estimate that it has been over seven months now. In that time I've preferred books to parties, movies to pubs, and the chirping of birds in the local park to the chirpings of a date. The longer it goes, the more I question this being a faze. I'm beginning to believe I very well could be evolving into this person.

Ever since I was a child I've enjoyed time alone - but I've always been skilled at socializing. When I'm in a situation where people are shy or having difficulty conversing, I can be that moderator. Likewise when I'm in a situation where conversation is flowing naturally, I typically sit back and enjoy the comfort of a nearby corner.

I bring this up because I was beginning to wonder if the skill of socializing could diminish. I was worried that by shunning people and parties I may forget how to relate to people. Last night I went out with co-workers to a pub and I felt as though I had made a good appearance. I didn't embarrass myself and I really enjoyed the conversation. I hope I don't become a complete hermit. I hope I remember that the most intriguing thing to me in this world is people. I hope, once I've figured out whatever I'm trying to figure out, that my current craving for silence is equal to that of companionship.

NONSENSICAL LOVE DISORIENTED

I'll make you laugh because the sound reverberates in my soul - tickling it. I'll momentarily stare into your eyes with softness, then look away - did you see it? I'll contemplate meaning and truth with you late into the night, because I respect your ideas. I'll listen with a biased heart. I'll carry your burden with an urgency. I'll tease you like a second grade crush. I'll lay my lips against your neck and regulate my breathing so our pulses are in sync. I'll listen as you shower and pretend the water lays a protective coat. I'll try to improvise perfection.

I'll seldom speak of my family, they mean so much. When I'm frustrated or angry I'll take it out on you. I'll delve into a stranger's life tale further than I do your daily dinner report, because you mean more to me than they do. I won't admit my constant, illogical, unreasonable ache because I know you'll try to share in it. I'll place unfair expectation on you that are only exceeded by those of god on us. I'll try to improvise perfection...because I love you.