She winked at me. That moment...that second in space, warmed the blood rushing through my veins. I was happy. I felt attractive. I felt desired.
I had never seen her before today. I stood above a crack in the sidewalk waiting for the light to change. I was focused, running my life through my mind like a projector on the wall. I was blindly moving forward, being herded by my fellow pedestrians into a route of no concern.
She dodged a woman with a large brimmed hat making her way hastily through the marching men. She swerved into my path, obstructing my course. I froze. She smiled. She winked as she brushed aside me on her way to a fortunate destination. I marched forward with my head titled towards the clouds.
***********************
This particular prose didn't really happen. I mean, it probably did but I didn't have a specific experience in mind while writing this. The point of this is very relevant to what I deem an oddity of being me. For a guy who pursues his passions with an extreme determination, I am typically quite content with a smile from a woman. It's usually enough. A simple interest, even for the briefest of moments, lasts weeks within my skull. Am I afraid? Am I pathetically insecure? Why so satisfied from an expression quite mysterious? Why is that enough?
Monday, November 5, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
THE REAL LOVE HISTORY CLUB
Is love ever real? Is love always real?
After having consumed a few too many drinks last night, I called a friend who had likewise just arrived home from the bar. At one point the conversation turned to the confusion of love. I spoke a few posts back about a guy who had attempted suicide because his wife left him to pursue another man she had been having an affair with for several years. The suicidee decided life wasn't worth living without her love, that he would never feel so strongly for another. Three months later, after a failed attempt to end his life, he has fallen madly (maybe too correct a term) and deeply in love with a woman he dated ten years ago.
I think we've probably all been in a failed relationship at some point and seriously contemplated the odds of ever finding a connection with someone as "deep" and "real" as the prior union. Only weeks, months or years later we've met someone who elicits feelings as strong, if not stronger, than what we had previously experienced. But here is where is gets a bit confusing; when we hear from the first "love" our heart STILL skips a beat. The emotions we once poured forth for the individual stirs once again. And it always will, never fading away...maybe just fading slightly due to a dusting of cobwebs. Then we experience another failed relationship and move on to another person who simply MUST be "the one" and so we have just added a further member to our "real love" history club.
Are all of these "real" loves? Does "real" love exist at all? I think we would all agree there are levels of love. Which is that powerful "real" love?
I have no doubt that the guy who attempted suicide felt as deep a love as he could for his cheating spouse. And I don't doubt that at an earlier point in his life, prior to meeting his wife, he felt just as deeply for this woman he is currently sharing a reunion with. What I do question is this - when he was in the prime love state within his marriage, was he still thinking of the previous woman as his "real" love? No, he was in a marriage with his "real" love. So then that ended. And now he's transferred that "real" love back to a place where it originally resided. And if it doesn't work out for the two this time around, he'll either attempt to kill himself for a falsely(?)-unique desire now crippled, or transfer the "real" love to the next giddy receiver.
If the emotions are so strong for someone that you would rather die than live without them by your side...and then you replicate those thunderous emotions for someone else, it MUST be love - for what other word do we have? But is it the kind of love we all seek? Is it that love where you question anyone could possibly understand? Is it special? Was it ever?
After having consumed a few too many drinks last night, I called a friend who had likewise just arrived home from the bar. At one point the conversation turned to the confusion of love. I spoke a few posts back about a guy who had attempted suicide because his wife left him to pursue another man she had been having an affair with for several years. The suicidee decided life wasn't worth living without her love, that he would never feel so strongly for another. Three months later, after a failed attempt to end his life, he has fallen madly (maybe too correct a term) and deeply in love with a woman he dated ten years ago.
I think we've probably all been in a failed relationship at some point and seriously contemplated the odds of ever finding a connection with someone as "deep" and "real" as the prior union. Only weeks, months or years later we've met someone who elicits feelings as strong, if not stronger, than what we had previously experienced. But here is where is gets a bit confusing; when we hear from the first "love" our heart STILL skips a beat. The emotions we once poured forth for the individual stirs once again. And it always will, never fading away...maybe just fading slightly due to a dusting of cobwebs. Then we experience another failed relationship and move on to another person who simply MUST be "the one" and so we have just added a further member to our "real love" history club.
Are all of these "real" loves? Does "real" love exist at all? I think we would all agree there are levels of love. Which is that powerful "real" love?
I have no doubt that the guy who attempted suicide felt as deep a love as he could for his cheating spouse. And I don't doubt that at an earlier point in his life, prior to meeting his wife, he felt just as deeply for this woman he is currently sharing a reunion with. What I do question is this - when he was in the prime love state within his marriage, was he still thinking of the previous woman as his "real" love? No, he was in a marriage with his "real" love. So then that ended. And now he's transferred that "real" love back to a place where it originally resided. And if it doesn't work out for the two this time around, he'll either attempt to kill himself for a falsely(?)-unique desire now crippled, or transfer the "real" love to the next giddy receiver.
If the emotions are so strong for someone that you would rather die than live without them by your side...and then you replicate those thunderous emotions for someone else, it MUST be love - for what other word do we have? But is it the kind of love we all seek? Is it that love where you question anyone could possibly understand? Is it special? Was it ever?
Thursday, November 1, 2007
JUST DO IT! LIKE NIKE...
Work is getting less and less thrilling each day. It's a job, I'm thankful to have it, but I feel unfulfilled. When you break down exactly what I do, it seems so unimportant, so trivial. I keep trying to tell myself that life is an enormous cycle with invisible connections between every element and that my job touches people in a positive way even if it isn't blatant. But it's a stretch...and even if true in part, it isn't enough to satisfy me.
Maybe it's because I have people close to me dealing with diseases like cancer in their lives right now that it's reinforcing the idea of just how short life is. And what is it about? I need to experience more, I need to do something positive. I need to work harder towards getting to a place where I can be proud of what I'm doing for a longer period of time each day. These eight hours of employment are really cutting into my idealist desires!
Maybe it's because I have people close to me dealing with diseases like cancer in their lives right now that it's reinforcing the idea of just how short life is. And what is it about? I need to experience more, I need to do something positive. I need to work harder towards getting to a place where I can be proud of what I'm doing for a longer period of time each day. These eight hours of employment are really cutting into my idealist desires!
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