TOP HEADLINE: HUMANS HATE THE WORLD

Every morning I wake up, walk to the computer and read the same 5 websites. Drudgereport.com, cnn.com, espn.com, freep.com and hotmail.com (my e-mail).

I don't know why I start my day off this way. Sometimes when I read the headlines on cnn.com or drudgereport.com my heart sinks and I lose all the morning energy I had just five minutes prior to reading these sites. Can the world really be this much of a mess? Has it always been this much of a mess but now we report on it more efficiently? This world has so much for all of us to embrace yet we kill each other and destroy the planet while doing so. Power, money and greed seem to have made their way across the globe and now it's a self-centered fight to the finish.

The people who seem to have a more enlightened view of life, and the world as a whole, are being shackled. Shackled by what I don't know. Fear? Or maybe having a better understanding of life makes you meeker during the battles being fought by society on a daily basis. Maybe there's an idea that no matter what one person says or does, the world's problems will never be remedied. Or maybe they aren't supposed to be "fixed."

I always liked the idea of there being a balance to life. But only when "balance" means even. If we could all just be on an even scale of understanding, acceptance and love. But we aren't. I'm afraid that anymore "balance" represents half the world being "up" and the other half being "down." No one should be born into either of these halves. It's not fair to anyone on either side.

Here are today's top headlines:

A car bomb in London is defused.
Five soldiers die in Baghdad
Wildfire evacuees return to view scorched homes
Friends saw cheerleaders SUV hit truck
80,000 hit by South Asia monsoon floods
Harry Potter star nervous at first kiss

Uh, do any of these feel out of place? I may have to save my celebrity-obsession rant for another day...

ALL BLACK PEOPLE LISTEN TO GANGSTER RAP AND HATE WHITEY

I had drinks with a friend last night. I haven't seen him in close to six months so we had a lot to catch up on. I cherish the conversations I have with this friend because we come from two very different worlds but can talk calmly about tough topics without hating each other for our unique perspectives.

This friend of mine is an African-American from the ghetto in Brooklyn. He has made something great out of his life, especially considering where he has come from. Last night we discussed race relations in American and it was an enlightened conversation, as always. I find it difficult to accept sometimes that the color of someones skin can still affect perceptions before any factual information is used. I can be guilty of this at times as well. I wonder if we'll ever get to a place where color, gender and religion don't lead to a stereotyped perception. I don't even know if that's possible as I'm afraid human nature plays a role here. But it would solve a lot of problems.

Basically, we discussed how a better educational system is needed to help us achieve true equality. In America there is no debate that equality, like anything, can be achieved through the one thing that America loves most...money. Education can lead to financial security thus helping racial integration, acceptance and equality. It's such a pro and con of this country.

MERMAID PARADE

Here are a few of the photos from the Mermaid Parade - click on the photos for a larger image. See the following post for a description of this surreal event.

UPDATE, UPDATE!

Man, it's been too long since I last blogged. Where to start?

How about Jury duty. We deliberated this past Monday and eventually, after much discussion, decided on a unanimous guilty verdict for all 5 charges (3 counts of Robbery, Assault with a deadly weapon and possession of an illegal firearm). I feel very secure with our verdict but when you stand in front of an accused man, with his family standing behind him, and have to say "guilty" five times, it is disheartening and sad. A man's life just changed and I played a role. I'm glad I have fulfilled my duty for at least another six years.

Last Saturday I attended the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. It's the most bizarre parade on earth...I'm sure of it. I've posted some pics above. Now, I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm about to say because I LOVE Coney Island for everything it is and everything it isn't BUT the Mermaid Parade is the trashiest thing I've ever seen. And thousands of parents bring their children to the parade to take pictures and watch. It's extremely surreal. I love it.

I've also been set up on a blind date scheduled for next Tuesday. I called the girl tonight and we spoke for an hour...I should say SHE spoke for an hour. I basically said things like, "uh huh", "right", and "definitely." At the end of our conversation she described herself as "having a wide face." Now, I'm not a snob and I don't need a girl to be "hot" but I'm a little scared. A wide face? Doesn't that pretty much imply a wide ass? A wide everything? People constantly refer to me as a "lucky" person and I can't really disagree but when it comes to women, I'm not the luckiest at all. I'm hoping Tuesday turns out better than I'm expecting. Stay tuned...

MY 200th POST!!!

This is my 200th post! When I started this blog I wondered if I would keep it going. At the time I think I really just needed a release from some issues in my life. So far this blog has evolved from a place where I was vague with my emotionally-disconnected self, to a place where I may have been too emotionally-open for my own comfort, to a place where I feel a balance in my posts. And along the way I made my first bloggy friend (Hi Lachramae) and kept an old friend (Hi Polly) along for the ride. I'm pretty sure you are the only two reading this blog, but that's okay to me. I'll forgive you if you happen across some cool guys blog that has more commenter's than mine and decide to ditch poor ol' Pagoda. I'll live...but I can't promise I won't write disparaging posts about you daily...which of course you will never know about because you will have ditched me. I'm just saying.

Today was the first day of testimony in the trial I am a jury member for. It was really quite sad. I can't really talk about the details but the two men involved in this shooting were friends for over 6 years. They knew each others families, children and attended social events together. Then a real estate deal gone bad ruined their friendship and ended in a shooting between the two. Money can be (and usually is) evil.

TO CONTROL A LIFE

I have been chosen for jury duty. At first, I was hoping not to be picked because I was afraid it would conflict with the film editing class I want to take in July. However, after the judge said he expected the trial to end within four days, I started to get excited about it. The court system here really amazes and intrigues me. I'm actually quite proud of it.

The man on trial is being accused of robbing a house, shooting a man (but not killing him) and carrying an illegal weapon. I'm one of twelve people who will listen to the witnesses and evidence for and against this man and, in the end, have to decide if he is guilty or innocent. The one thing the judge continuously told us as he was questioning the potential jurors is that this man is presumed innocent. He is only presumed guilty once the prosecutor has provided enough evidence to end the presumption of innocence. I like that.

It won't affect my judgement in the case BUT I kept looking over at the accused man and couldn't help but wonder what must be going through his head. What was his life like before being arrested? If he is found guilty, what is he most afraid of losing? This man's life will most likely change either way but a guilty verdict could devastate it. How scared he must be.

And the State of New York has asked me to help determine his fate. I will be elated if I get to cast a not guilty vote with a clear conscience after this case. I will, I think, feel deeply saddened if I need to cast a guilty vote to keep a clear conscience. Stay tuned...the trial starts tomorrow.

I DOUBT THIS POST IS ANY GOOD

Okay, here is another movie recommendation. I watched an independent film called, "The Puffy Chair." For what it is, a low-budget, hand-held movie, I really enjoyed it. Without giving anything away - the premise of the film could be described as "when in true love, do you know absolutely?"

I've had friends who told me, "You just know." They say you have a feeling inside you that contains no doubt. It's a beautiful thought, and that's how I'd want it to be but part of me just can't believe this is true. I'm the type of person where I ALWAYS have doubt...with EVERYTHING. My brain consistently looks for the "traps" involved in any situation. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not having doubt creep into my mind. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I'm built that way. See!...doubt!

I know this is an incredibly depressing thought but, my best guess is that everyone settles. People just give up. I think some people just grow tired so they take the next step with who ever they are with. And other's truly believe in their love but after time goes by they question they made the right decision. I just feel like everyone settles. I hope I'm wrong.

I may have mentioned this before but the last time I was home my mom talked about her wedding day. She said it was the happiest day of her life...but the next morning she laid in bed wondering if she hadn't just made the biggest mistake of her life. And she cried for a week. To this day (after 35 years of marriage) she thinks my father probably wasn't the "one" for her but they have worked hard to make it work. Now, if after 35 years I can end up with the strength in love that my parents currently share, I'll be a blessed man. But all the same, it's a depressing situation to me. I understand love takes work but it doesn't seem right to me that it would take THAT much work. But what do I know.

UNDER THE BOARDWALK

CLICK ON THE PHOTOS TO ENLARGE

Friday I spent the day taking photos at Coney Island. Here are a couple photos I thought were interesting. The top one is of a building that closed on the boardwalk thirty years ago. You can see an old man sunbathing in a chair under the building (lower-right). Doesn't it look surreal? Anyhow, the second photo was taken from under the boardwalk. I found a hole in a fence and climbed through it to see what the underside of Coney Island was like. Pretty much as expected.

COCAINE COWBOYS

I watched an amazing documentary yesterday called, "Cocaine Cowboys." If you get chance to rent this you won't be disappointed. It shows the ruthlessness of the cocaine trade in Miami (in the 70's and 80's).

Part of the documentary is with a man that confessed to killing an insane number of people. He tells his stories with little remorse. It's chilling to see a man talk about shooting someone in the head and then follow it up with a sentence like, "it was just business." I find it interesting because I feel like he didn't care about his life but, in a way, he held it above all others.

I won't give anything else away in case you decide to see it but make sure you watch the special features on the DVD as well. It has some really interesting stories in there too.

MORE THAN CLOWNS AND MIDGETS

I wanted to share something I saw in a documentary recently. I was watching a PBS documentary from 1992 concerning Coney Island. Now, as I've written a few times before, I'm obsessed with Coney Island. It is such a bizarre place to me and often as a wander around the boardwalk there I feel like Alice in Wonderland...only with a penis.

A segment of the documentary talked about a time in the early 1900's when one of the most popular amusement parks in Coney Island burnt down. The next day the owner of the now non-existent park addresses the public and said this, "I have problems today that I didn't have yesterday. And the problems I had yesterday I no longer have today."

I love that quote. I think it shows a man that understood the proper perspective of life. What is really important in life? Day to day issues are often less important than we make them out to be. Maybe the only thing truly important in life is having the opportunity to continue living.

IT'S ALL A BIG NOTHING

So Sopranos is, check that, WAS my favorite show on television. It is now over and I am sad. In my opinion it is still the best show EVER to hit television. Sunday night was the final episode and, although I found it disappointing, it left a lot to ponder.

In a previous season, there is a flashback where Tony's mother tells him (when he is a child) to expect life to be disappointing. "It's all a big nothing" she says. This past season Tony's son mentions that "grandma" told him the same thing. And in the last episode Tony sits side by side with his Uncle who is losing his memory and (I think) realizes that maybe his mom was right and nothing matters. Of course this is coming from a mobster, and he relates everything to his livelihood so it may not be speaking on general life terms. But none-the-less, for arguments sake, lets say you die and all you see is black. You see nothing, you hear nothing...life has ended and that is that. No tunnel of light, no singing angels on high. Does that make it all "a big nothing?" Obviously I don't have the answer to this and I certainly lean one way on this argument...because I feel it necessary. But it's a fair question. And to take it one step further (and I've written of this previously), since we all know we will never attain definitive proof on said topic, is it worth continuing to investigate? Or is that just a big waste of time?

FINISHED THE SCRIPT

Well, I finished the second draft of the script about my dear friend from Brazil. It's based on her life, which is extraordinarily adventurous. It was a very tough project because I don't know enough about her life to be able to create a character arc or even a lesson within her adventures. But I think I did it fairly. I'm awaiting her response on it which I imagine can't be positive. Not because I don't like what I wrote but rather because it's HER LIFE. I'm not sure what anyone could write would do it justice.

But what I wanted to write about today is what I learned from meeting this person several years ago. MY character arc through HER journey. The day after we broke up (yes, we dated for a bit) and I knew she would be leaving the United States, I wrote this in my journal (this is just a little of the 5 pages I wrote!):

"To meet someone that I feel I could tell anything to, not because they wouldn't judge, but rather because they understood is mind-blowing to me. I thought it an impossible task to find someone who shared these emotions as deeply as I. And now she is gone - with someone else. I hope she is as happy as is possible. She deserves much. And I sit here tired. I am tired, and...surprisingly, a little less lonely. I found someone who understands me. I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought."

This person provided me fuel to continue forward...with hope. It always amazes me how we view events and relationships in our life in one way, when in reality they could be about something so much different.

MAYBE IT'S MY TIME

Every day I have the same conversation with my landlord (he's 87 years old). It goes something like this -

Me: Hi Ben. How are you doing today?
Ben (The Landlord): Not good, not good. I have a cough (pounds chest).
Me: That's no good. Well, it's a beautiful day today (trying to change subject).
Ben: Maybe it's my time (not allowing me to change the subject).
Me: No, no, not yet Ben (Selfish thought runs through my head - will my rent go up if he passes away?)
Ben: What are ya gonna do? (shrugs)
Me: Well, have a good day Ben, hope you feel better.
Ben: Okay.

Seriously, this happens EVERY day. His wife passed away three years ago and I think he is ready himself. One time when he was drunk he told me "I'm ready to visit my wife." But the interesting thing is that I'm pretty sure if he really wanted to die it would have happened already. I mean, he would lay down one day to bed and just not wake up - give up in his mind and let the body follow. But he doesn't. He's actually quite a fighter.

I don't know that I would be such a fighter in his situation. And every day I wonder why he keeps trucking on. But every day I see the mailman and certain neighbors stop by and talk his ear off (Ben says little) and I think that maybe it's not about him. Maybe it's about him being an ear for a neighbor or the mailman. Maybe it's about showing perseverance to the lady down the street that just lost her husband. Maybe Ben's existence as we know it today isn't for or about him at all. Maybe he's sticking around to enrich someone else's life without even knowing it. Maybe that's what life is about for all of us. If so, I'm not sure how to feel about that. It's kind of cool in a way...and also really depressing. As if our purpose is to just keep things running along, but not to actually accomplish anything. I suppose it would take some pressure off of life though.

HIDING INSIDE MY HEAD

I'm typically a pretty social person. At least in the sense that I don't have trouble talking to people and, quite honestly, enjoy learning about their lives, personalities and thoughts. But lately I've craved solitude. I want to turn my phone off, cancel my e-mail account and take off to the mountains in North Carolina where I can live my new hermit existence.

I don't want to feel obligated to talk to someone after a certain amount of time has elapsed or have a drink with someone just to catch up. I just want to be left alone, rolling thoughts around my skull in peace. I haven't felt like this often, but sometimes. And I can't remember a time from my past where I've wanted to just run away and hide as much as I do right now.

There really isn't a reason I can pinpoint as to why I feel this way. I haven't done anything wrong or had something terrible happen. I don't think I'm scared of anything. I just think I'm tired. Tired of worrying about what I'm going to do next. Tired of people asking me "what's been going on?" Tired of looking in the mirror and critiquing myself. Tired of wondering what people think about me. Tired of justifying my insecurities. Tired of answering the same e-mail surveys from friends. Tired of listening to the same music on my iPod. Tired of thinking about things like this.

I know I won't just run away to some relatively undiscovered land enjoying the sunsets, chirping crickets and clear night sky. I know I won't hide in a cabin in a dense forest reading good literature by the fireside and drinking a local wine. I know I won't climb aboard a Mississippi river houseboat admiring the world's reflection off the water. I know I won't, and that tires me too. But tonight when I fall asleep I'll be pretending I did.

I HAVE NO RHYTHM AND TOO MUCH SOUL

Occasionally when on a plane or sitting alone in Central Park I'll write some poetry. I'm not very good at it and I'm not even sure of the rules of poetry. None-the-less, I have several notebooks with random poems throughout them.

My poems are typically dark and overly sensitive (big surprise). They wouldn't win any awards. But I thought I'd share a couple anyhow. Here are two I'm comfortable posting.

She Knows

She woke me up
it was half past ten
She told me she knew
no need to pretend

Packed up my things
a few of hers too
Set foot down the road
she told me she knew

It came to this
a moment so true
Wasn't strong enough
she told me she knew

Tried to love her
entire time through
My heart remained numb
she told me she knew


Naive

I believe
fairy tales
I believe
you will love me

I'D TELL YOU MY NAME BUT THEN YOU'D KNOW IT

Does each blog post make me less interesting? I've always chosen my closest friends by how much of an effort they exert in getting to know me. I pay close attention to the questions asked of me and gauge the sincerity behind them. I want my friends to work at my friendship. The same goes for my love relationships as well. For the record, I have always considered myself a good listener and an enthusiast for getting to know people..so I don't think I'm being hypocritical with what I ask of friends and lovers. I practice what I preach so to say.

I've spoken in the past about my trouble being open with certain things in my life. Typically those "things" are those closest to me. I've mentioned how an ex-girlfriend of mine told me her biggest problem with me was that I didn't open up about the things most important to me - family, love, etc. I think subconsciously it was because I wanted her to really work at learning about those areas of my life. She wanted me to volunteer it. I have trouble doing that.

So back to the point of this post: I don't have as much trouble being open on this blog. Maybe it's because I'm anonymous to the audience, with the exception of one person that reads this. Or maybe it's because it's easier for me to be open through the written word (most plausible). Whatever the reason, I wonder if people who know my most intimate thoughts find me uninteresting. I'm not saying that because I think I'm more boring than the next guy but rather because once you volunteer your most intimate ideas, theories and thoughts, what else is there to learn about this person? It's like a biography of one's mind...and heart. Once someone reads it, what more is there to say? Does each post on this blog make me less interesting?