ON VACATION!

I'm on vacation until March 26th!!! I hope to have some great stories, photographs and insight to share upon my return.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Susan: I don't know many people.
Charles Foster Kane: I know too many people. I guess we're both lonely.
-Citizen Kane

TO YOU I BEQUEATH MY HE-MAN ACTION FIGURE

Well, I'm mostly all packed up and ready to go on my trip to Spain. My excitement is tinged with nervousment particularly because I have never been on a vacation this long. Prior to this, my longest vacation was one week...and other than Canada, has never been international. I don't really have an itinerary set because I want to be completely free. I know areas I want to visit but if something comes up I'll be able to quickly change my plans without having to worry about hotel/hostel/train reservations. I hope to come back with a host of good stories and pics...and of course new revelations on life and the direction I am heading.

This won't surprise those of you who know me well, basically because I'm a morbid son of a bitch, but I drafted a will last night (knock on wood) just in case my plane goes down or something goes terribly wrong on this trip. I'll be visiting a few areas where Americans aren't the most popular people - like Basque country and Morocco. I don't have much to give to anyone but I wanted to make sure a few things were taken care of and also that I said a few things I would want to say. I'm not even sure that this will would be official because I didn't have a witness or a notary but whatever.

Writing this will was interesting. Now I'll admit that I've often daydreamed about my funeral. I know, it's weird, but I've done it. And I look around the church at who would be there, who would be truly sad, what the speakers would say, even how I would look in the casket (never good of course). Writing a will was different, it made me think about my most cherished possessions and who I would want to have them. It made me think about those people around me that would even WANT anything from me - and would THEY cherish what I gave them? I actually enjoyed it. Not surprising. My journals, and there are many, were what I was most concerned about. On one hand I don't want anyone reading them ever. And on the other hand I wonder if anything in them would help anyone.

In any case, my brother received most everything. My Hermano and I are really close - we speak for hours each week and I'd trust him to distribute everything. Plus I sort of feel like he would want to be the one in charge.

I know all of this probably sounds crazy but I enjoy thinking about my mortality. I really do. I think it keeps me focused and my life prioritized in a way I can feel good about. And believe it or not, I get this trait from my mother. She told me ten years ago that she was ready to die, not because she was super unhappy but rather because she wanted heaven so bad. And everyone wonders why I'm so strange...

Tomorrow will be my final post until March 25th when I return. It's so close!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Andy Dufresne: You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?
Red: No.
Andy Dufresne: They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory.
-Shawshank Redemption

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Every year as I watch the Academy Awards I think about what MY speech would be if I was ever to win an Oscar. I would have an enormous amount of gratitude to express towards my family and friends who have always been really supportive of my sometimes crazy, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes costly initiatives. It makes it a lot easier to take risks in life when you have a support system like I've had. There was, however, a time when I resented the support I had. I've never felt so ashamed of a feeling in my life. I'll try to explain.

I'd say my life started to take a fast turn around the corner about six years ago. That turn was made after hitting a real low in my life and coming to personal realizations that would greatly help me in the future. Additionally, I started to accept myself for who I was...slowly. In any case, PRIOR to this time I was a very angry person. The odd thing is that I'm not really sure where this intense anger came from. I could certainly chalk it up to being broke and not feeling as if I was achieving my dreams but this anger was way too strong to be attributed to just that.

So what was it? I already knew at this point that I repressed certain memories. Not completely in a psychotic way, but they became hazy. For instance, 9/11 is a memory I can remember in detail but I have to concentrate to bring the memory out and even then it appears dreamlike. So I started to wonder if I was repressing a memory completely and that was why I had this anger inside me. A scary thought, but one I believe to be less of a possibility. Now, I want to make sure I'm clear that this anger was mostly internalized. I didn't go around punching random people in the face or anything, nor did I ever back down from any sort of confrontation though... This anger mostly bubbled inside and I would take it out on myself mentally in a fury of self hate or on those closest to me (emotionally) - at one point it was a girlfriend and I deeply regret that interaction.

Since that time the intensity of my anger has quietly diminished. I remember waking up one day and realizing I wasn't carrying it around as I once had. It was a relief. I wish I had an answer to what happened or WHY I was so angry, but I don't. I just had this overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't justify it. That is where my resentment for the support and love from my family and friends came into play. Without that I would have had an excuse for how bad I felt. But with that support, I was really lost as to what fueled this fire. So I resented it. I resented them.

Often in my life I feel like I've looked for excuses. Even now I feel like I may be going through one of those periods - looking for reasons to give up on certain dreams or hopes. It's something I usually persevere through but the slumps aren't much fun. And without the support from those closest to me, I shiver to think about where I would be right now. This is kind of a weird post because I really don't have a conclusion. All I can say is that I feel blessed for everything I've been given so I get really disappointed in myself when I get depressed about almost anything. But I can't change my nature, I can only hope to control it.

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photo from a camp site some friends and I set up in the mountains in Seattle. Doesn't this picture make it look mystical? It was so peaceful...well, except for the worrying over being eaten by a cougar...

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own piece of mind; don't assign me yours.
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"HEY, THAT'S THE GUY..."

I'm going to share an embarrassing moment today, one of a slew I have had over the years.

I was at the gym trying my best to get buff. First off, let me say I was wearing my contacts. This is important because my contacts aren't the most comfortable thing for me to wear so if I am wearing them, it's usually because I want to be "dressed to impress." I wear my contacts to the gym. I suppose I hold out hope that I'm going to strike up a conversation with some super hot girl at my gym and hit it off. But how awkward is that? People don't talk at the gym, and if they did I certainly wouldn't be the type to pull it off, I just wouldn't feel comfortable approaching that situation.

So here I am running on the treadmill trying to look suave. Well, as suave as an over-sweating man can look on the treadmill. Each treadmill has a television screen in front of it and a remote control used to change the channels etc. The television is showing a commercial when I begin my run and I try the remote but it's not working. Oh well. I take a look around me and it's probably the first time since I've been working out at this gym that I am surrounded entirely by beautiful women. I couldn't believe it. So I was in a happy zone in my head when I looked back to the television screen which in no longer showing a commercial, but instead showing a report on breast augmentation. It was comparing nude breasts of different females that had undergone breast enhancement surgery. Again, I feverishly try to change the remote but no luck. So now I'm getting embarrassed because there is a lineup of hot women behind me waiting to use my treadmill and they can obviously spot this pervert watching booby-vision. Now I could have played it off (in my head at least) as if I was a doctor simply keeping up with my studies. But no, this wasn't even showing the surgery! It was only showing nude breast shots from AFTER the surgery. One after another for twenty minutes! I just wanted to shout out that the remote wasn't working - but I didn't want to attract anymore attention to myself at this point. Unbelievable. So I basically finished my run and walked, head down, to the locker room where I could escape the unapproving and disgusting looks of my workout peers. Now I'm forever going to be "that guy" at the gym. Ugh. I suppose, on the upside, I can start wearing my glasses there now...

ART OF THE DAY

The sunset over Lake Michigan.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

[Alvy addresses a pair of strangers on the street]
Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
Female street stranger: Yeah.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way.
Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something?

-Annie Hall

MY RIGHT EYE IS THE COOL ONE, MY LEFT EYE JUST LOOKS AT ME FUNNY.

Self Respect verse Self Esteem. Over the past several years I believe I've developed a healthy sense of self respect. Something that was missing for most of my life. Without getting into the details, it has been generated from being at some rather low points in life and realizing either something had to change or nothing would change. The fact is, I didn't like myself at all. I still have the occasional problem with not liking myself so much but, at a minimum, I can feel better about how I TRY to conduct myself - helping raise my self respect.

By definition, self respect and self esteem are the same. I'm going to argue that they are NOT the same. Interested? Me too.

By self respect I mean, liking the person I'm trying to be. By self esteem I mean, liking the person I am.

I imagined once I raised my self respect, my self esteem would follow. And I can't say that has really been the case. I mean, I certainly have more self esteem than I did five years ago, but not nearly to the level I would expect. I thought self respect and self esteem went hand in hand. Apparently I was wrong.

Now I want to reiterate that I am not having a major problem with my self esteem as I had previously in my life. It's just that it isn't at a level on par with my self respect. It keeps me from having the overwhelming sense of confidence I see in all these wall street types in NYC. Of course I don't want to be quite like that but I wouldn't mind doubting myself a little less.

So the question becomes - WHY is self respect so different from self esteem (if you buy into them being separate)? I know how to raise my self respect, but I'm not sure I understand how to raise my self esteem. There is, however, a problem involved with me and self esteem... I feel uncomfortable with it. I'm not very good with praise or compliments which may explain why my self esteem seems to hover around the same level. That is a problem only a therapist could love I'm afraid. None the less, I think people confuse self respect with self esteem and I think they are vastly different from one another. Anyone agree?

ART OF THE DAY

This is one of my favorite subway performers. This old man plays music on his keyboard and sets up all these wind-up, dancing toys around him. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

""It was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was, and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I thought of that old joke, y'know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd but I guess we keep goin' through it because most of us need the eggs.""
- Alvy Singer (Annie Hall)

I DIDN'T REALIZE PUBLIC MASTURBATION WAS WRONG! GREAT, NOW I FEEL GUILTY.

The other day I was talking to a friend about how guilty I feel sometimes even when I haven't really done anything wrong. Guilt is something I get often and certainly something that keeps me "in check" at times. The person I was speaking with asked, "are you Catholic"?

I've received this response before from people when I have spoken of guilt. So the question I have is - is guilt a natural emotion or an emotion created through social conditioning?

Now, I'm a big fan of social conditioning, I certainly believe it exists. But I also believe there are natural emotions that we have within us regardless of a social structure - for example, love. Maybe an example more pertinent to this conversation would be jealousy. I believe jealousy to be a natural emotion as well, although I've debated this with others on several occasions.

So which one does guilt derive from? You can't have guilt without knowing something is wrong, right? And how do we know something we do is wrong? From our parents and society of course. Are there things that we would naturally feel guilt over if society hadn't "taught" us to? Lets say a child was locked in a closet for twenty years receiving nothing more than food and water. One day this twenty year old is released, given a gun and instructed to shoot the first person that speaks to him/her. After the twenty year old does the deed, is there guilt? For some reason I think their may be. If I had to give an answer to this question I would say that guilt is a natural emotion strengthened through social conditioning.

What do you think?

Here is another topic on the subject. Sometimes I realize I have guilt over something I can't describe. What I mean is, I feel guilty but I'm not sure what for. It's just there. As if I feel guilty over the state of the world - which is a tough guilt for one person to have...I may have done some bad things in my life but I hardly think I should feel responsible for something so large! Or maybe I feel guilty about something in my past that I'm repressing. That's a sad thought. In any case, it's there.

Maybe I should just blame my second grade teacher - she was a Catholic nun. But she was nice. I'd feel incredibly guilty blaming her...

ART OF THE DAY

This is a photograph of some friends and I hiking through a rain forest in Washington (I believe it's the only U.S. rain forest). Have you ever seen anything so green? It was amazing.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

The movie "Annie Hall" is one of my favorite romantic comedies. It's a good movie BUT an even better script. The movie falls flat from the script I think. There are so many quotes from the movie that I absolutely love but didn't have the same impact on screen that it had in written text. For the next few days, I'll use lines from this movie as my "Quote of the Day."

""The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.""
-Alvy Singer

I CAN TIE A CHERRY STEM WITH MY TONGUE

I received one of those e-mail chains where you need to fill out information about yourself and send it back to friends. You know, the ones that ask your middle name or favorite smell. On this particular one there was a question asking for my "Special Talent." I must have sat at my computer for ten minutes trying to come up with my "special talent", no luck.

EVERY DAY I think about how fortunate I am. I think about the amazing support structure I have with my family and friends and the overall situation I have going for me in life in general. For gods sake, I'm taking some time off of work and traveling to Europe for a month! But am I happy? Not fully.

I feel like I'm missing something. Something big. I used to just chalk it up to love and a lack of successful dating relationships. Which it could be. But recently I've been thinking that I can look past being in love (outside the general sense) if I can find that "talent" that I can be passionate about.

I used to want one thing in life - a family. Honestly, I have always been able to see myself concentrating on a job that supports my family and feeling fulfilled. But I'm 31 years old and that hasn't come to me. So I've had to start looking at other ways in which I feel fulfilled. And by "fulfilled" I basically mean contributing positively to life. If it isn't going to be through raising children the right way and (hopefully) setting an example in marriage, then it must be through a talent or, at a minimum, proactive passion. This is what I've been searching for.

At one point I thought it was going to be through writing or filmmaking. But I have constant doubts about that. It could be through getting involved with non-profit work, but as I've volunteered often and witnessed how the non-profit world works, I have my doubts there as well. I'm still searching.

I've been very excited about 2007. Partly because I'm in a more comfortable position in my life. Certainly more comfortable than I've ever been previously. And partly because I feel like I have a huge challenge ahead of me - which is both scary and exciting. I feel like I am in that small window in time where I have the best chance to dictate my success in life. I feel like I am at a place where I have a better grasp on an understanding of myself and life, and I'm still young enough to be considered a commodity. All I need is to find out what my talent is. Passion is never the problem for me - sometimes I think that's all I have inside of me, along with love, which I suppose play into one another. I know everyone has a talent. It's just a matter of finding it. The search continues...

ART OF THE DAY

I was helping a friend make a collage of fire fighting pics for a friend of theirs that was graduating as a firemen. We visited several firehouses around NYC. This is one of my favorite pics from the project.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure."
-Alice Hoffman

MY SUBCONSCIOUS CAN'T SPELL

I just finished the first draft of a feature length script based on events in a friend's life. It needs some work but for the most part I'm pretty pleased with it.

It is a personal script not just for the person who's life it is but also for me. When I first read through the finished script I realized that so much of myself was being injected into the characters in the script which are based on real people in the life of my friend. The reason I find this so interesting is that this is the first semi-biographical script I've ever written - for some reason I had expected that it would leave "me" out of it. But what I've learned is that ANYTHING I write ends up having some of "me" in it whether it's biographical or simply creative. It's what makes all writing so personal.

The other thing that consistently amazed me with writing is that when I look over things I have written I typically don't remember writing certain lines or can't figure out where a "message" within the story came from. Sometimes it seems like it's not really me writing the story at all but by subconscious instead - almost dreamlike. It's such an intriguing process to me. In any case, I'm going to keep working on this script and maybe you'll see it on the big screen some day...or I'm blaming it on my subconscious!...If it had only listened to me...