TELEPATHY

I expect too much of my love. I've been told often that I need to be more open in my relationships, that the women feel held at a distance. It's tough for me to verbalize my feelings. but there is something more - I want them to "know" without me having to tell.

It's stupid right? How could someone just "know" unless I tell them? In my warped mind I desire a glance that searches my soul. I want to stare into her eyes and see her essence, and she mine. So far that hasn't happened.

I had a rocky relationship with a woman a few years ago. I felt for her deeply, and she for I...but she wasn't ready for a serious relationship so she fought against it. One evening, a few days after she broke up with me, she stopped by my apartment to explain. She said her biggest issue was that I wasn't open with her, that I seldom spoke of my family and feelings. The second issue she had was my arrogance. I can understand some random person meeting me and thinking I'm arrogant. I suppose it would depend on the topic of conversation but I can't say I would be stunned. What did stun me was that this woman I had spent so many hours conversing with would think the same. I thought she knew me on a deeper level. I thought she saw my insecurities, confusion and search for the allusive truth. She obviously didn't. A few weeks later we went out for drinks and I decided to tell her a very personal story. It was something I had never spoke of to anyone - because it makes me feel foolish, but at the same time I think it relates something about me that isn't apparent to, well...anyone. I told her the story and my emotions bubbled and bubbled until, eventually, they began to boil over. I began to cry. There were two reasons why I was upset relating the story to her: 1. It's a story that sums up everything I desire and 2. I had hoped I never had to tell the story...I hoped someone would just know.