SUPERPERV

I went and saw the movie "Superbad" this afternoon. It had its funny moments but overall I'd say it was just okay. I think the funniest part about this movie was watching the people in the theater with me! First off, this movie is raunchy. Really raunchy. And there was this pervert sitting in the aisle with me that would say, "yeah baby" every time the movie showed a pair of tits. And I mean, EVERY TIME. And there were a lot of tits in this movie. Unbelievable. I wanted to punch the guy in the head. It would have been more endearing if he had tourettes.

And I'm so self-conscious that I kept worrying people were going to think I was saying it. Or that he was with me or something. So I totally booked out of the theater the moment it ended. What a perv.

It always disturbs me though when adults have young children at a movie like that. I saw at least two families there with children under the age of 10. Now I'm not naive, I know kids are going to encounter this stuff at some point anyhow but I can't imagine it's healthy to introduce it to them early. Likewise it wouldn't necessarily be healthy to shelter someone from it until the age of 40 either. But if I ever have a daughter I might try my best to do just that!

AM I FOOLING MYSELF?

Sorry for the delay in my posting. I've been entertaining visitors all week.

Today will be a quick post - I have written recently about how for the first time in my life I'm feeling okay with being single and the diminishing chances of having a family at some point. Of course, just to throw a wrench into my contentment I had an interesting experience this week.

One of the people visiting NYC was my brother's best friend from high school. He was here with his wife (who was taking a seminar at Columbia University) and his 7 month old daughter. His daughter was so cute and well behaved that I fell in love immediately. And she took to me right away - smiling and reaching for me. I ended up carrying her as we walked around Central Park and her father and I discussed the evolution of our lives. Instantly I felt a longing for that life which was completely opposite of mine. So here I am, once again, questioning my desires. Why did this girl have to be so damn cute?

I'M NOT UNHAPPY, I'M JUST JOY-CHALLENGED!

I don't know if this holds true for everyone but I was wondering, what makes people feel lonely or isolated? What makes us feel different? Is it because we feel misunderstood? Or maybe because we feel people can't relate to certain emotions or ideas we have?

I understand a feeling of loneliness or isolation that can come from not believing anyone else could possibly feel like you do. It's something I carry with me quite often. It's not an arrogant emotion - as if I'm special for feeling this way when others can't - it's a burdening, lack of confidence, "I don't belong" emotion.

What I can't understand is why I can't see it from a different perspective. Wouldn't it be great if you could look at yourself and instead of seeing someone "different" you see someone "unique"? Instead of seeing someone "strange" you see someone "special"? How often do you meet someone and think, "gee, that person is exactly like me in every way"? Never! Because no one (I don't think) contains the same exact bundle of attributes. That's why our DNA is completely unique. So why do I find it so hard to look at the traits that distinguish me from others as being special instead of a burden? Why do I feel different and strange instead of proudly unique? I suppose it's all in my perspective. I wish I would embrace it instead of shun it.

How we look at ourselves is one thing, but something I can't reconcile is when we feel as if no one can relate to us. Not in general really, but rather emotionally or even with very specific thoughts. Part of me tells myself that there is always someone out there that feels the same way, the world is too big. I just haven't met them yet. I use books, art and movies to act as a placeholder for my comfort. In the end we all want a human understanding.

I bet you think I got off track here, right? What I guess I'm saying is, if I could see myself as having "special" traits instead of "strange" or "different" traits I think it might go a long way towards curing my "unrelatable syndrome."

If only it was an easy fix...

ONE ON ONE

Friday night a friend of mine and I went to see the Broadway play "Frost Nixon." It was fantastic, really a great play. It was about the first interview Richard Nixon had after stepping down as President of the United States because of the Watergate scandal. They agreed to do the interview with a soft talk-show host believing they were much smarter than him so they would come out looking great. At the same time the interviewer is trying to coax Nixon into admitting his part in Watergate.

I wasn't born yet when Watergate took place so I wasn't aware of this interview that actually took place (it's being made into a movie as well). The fact that I didn't know the facts in this case made the play that much more interesting. Anyhow, it was great - but what I wanted to post about was something that the play touched on.

Towards the end of the play, Nixon calls up the interviewer before they tape the final few hours of the show and basically compares the interview to a bull fight. One person will win. One will lose. Lets both give it our best shot and may the best man win type of speech. Nixon looked at the interview in the same way he saw politics - a dual. Now, I can admire that to a degree. I admire the strength and courage that type of outlook contains...especially for someone who apparently lived their entire life that way. But some things in life aren't supposed to be treated as a dual. Politics is supposed to be about vision, leadership and welfare of society. To achieve those goals you can't look upon every move as a fight. You need to compromise and have an open-mind along with an understanding of culture and values. Somewhere along the line politics became a scorecard. It's less about the welfare of society and more about how many points you can score on you opponent. Someone play offense and someone plays defense. That's fine for a basketball court but not for people being paid a lot of money to represent a large community of individuals. You are supposed to be their voice...NOT their champion or hero. A voice to express, and a hand to build. Nothing more and nothing less.

I haven't spoken about politics on this blog but I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated by the power it has to change things. And I'm fascinated by the power it has to corrupt. Unfortunately I believe we are at a time where the power to corrupt has overtaken the desire to change. Fortunately I live in a country where, if the people get angry enough, they can actually fix it. That's what keeps me from despair.

Okay, no more politics for a while after this. I'll get back to some more philosophical posts. Stay tuned...

DON'T LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU READ THIS!

Why do I blog? It's a great writing exercise and, of course, therapeutic. But I could just write in my journal and achieve these objectives, right?

I must be the strangest blogger in the blogosphere. I've told less than a handful of people about my blog (most of which reside in a country outside the United States). I don't promote it or play the "search engine game." So why bother? Most people look to make money off their blogs or build communities of like-minded individuals. What am I doing here?

I suppose it's my baby-step towards being more open. Although I don't promote this blog, I know there is a chance that someone could come across it (like my first ever Internet friend - hi, Lachrimae!). That makes it slightly more risky...and rewarding. And the simple fact that it is on the Internet for anyone to come across makes it feel like I'm being more open - something a journal entry can't do.

When I first started this blog I was cryptic with my messages and less intimate. I would write something here and then run to my room to write the emotional details in my journal. That has changed and now my blog has become a more honest extension of my journal.

In any case, I'm very happy with the emotionally-open progress I feel I've made since blogging. I'm not where I'd like to be, or rather where most other people would like me to be, but I'm slowly improving. Maybe one day I'll send a link to this blog to people who I'll actually see face-to-face on a consistent basis. Uh, that may be a while though...

WHY?

I think I complain a lot about the "state of society." Often I post about the crisis many people face in the world and the unfortunate existence people have to endure. I don't feel that way all the time. I mean, I do...I recognize that these hardships exist constantly, but every once in a while I'll have this moment that, for an instant, removes it from my heart and mind. This "moment" is a brief example of what I imagine heaven to be like. Yesterday I experienced this personal nirvana. I was strolling down the sidewalk, taking a walk around my neighborhood. The sky was clear and the sun was shining brightly - I was watching my shadow mimic me on the nearby wall. As usual I had my headphones on, I think a tune from a 70's compilation was playing. I can't remember what song it was. It doesn't really matter. Then it happened. I had my "moment." I was filled with an intensity. A good intensity. A joyful intensity. It ran through my entire body. I may have even shivered. It's such a powerful feeling, as if I can accomplish anything. As if everything is perfect. I felt like I could burst. I looked around me and saw the tall apartment complexes, the children riding bikes, the Hispanic men on the corner waiting for work, and the intensity climbed. It peaked. My pace quickened and my head was high. I turned the corner and it was gone. It left my body but a small piece of it remained. I could feel it tingling ever so lightly. Soon it would be gone as well. This "moment" happens to me occasionally. Not often, but every once in a while.

I wonder how great it would be to have that feeling all the time. Shouldn't we all? I mean, although I can have a bleak disposition more often than not, doesn't it make more sense that it should be the reverse? I love these "moments" I have because when I look around all I see is beauty. I hesitate to call it "love" only because I'm not sure it's that exactly. None-the-less, "love" is the only word I can think of that carries the power I'm trying to relay. Truly, I look around and everything seems such an amazing gift. A miracle. Even things that I looked at hours before as an ugly blemish on the world, now looks stunningly beautiful. And soon, after that crumb of a tingle dissipates, I'll see it again as a discouraging blemish I'm cursed to see. Why?

Partly I think we do it to ourselves. Watch a newscast, you'll see story after story of the most depressing events possible. Events so sad that even the most creative mind would hesitate to allow it entrance. And the news not only reports it, but sensationalises it. You know why I think they do that? Because it creates an emotion. Even if it's a sad emotion, it's an emotion. And we remember emotions. It would be much more difficult to create an emotion similar to the moment I described before. I don't even think that's possible. So they create the emotion it can. But in doing so I think we fall into an emotional shackle where we start to see things in a darker light. Eventually, after decades of this evolution of a darkened outlook it becomes a part of us. We grow accustomed to it. We even begin to love it. It makes us feel safe in a way. Which is highly ironic considering it can be born of fear. I should clarify that - it makes us feel safe because it sets the bar of life so low. It would be hard to fail. It even gives us an excuse.

I wish I could change my outlook so that I had these "moments" more often. So that I saw the beauty that I know exists, more often. That's the thing, I know the beauty is there...in everything. It's just clouded by a thick layer of life. A layer of life that has been handed down from generation to generation with a darker tint than the generation before. Eventually we have to really concentrate to see the beauty. But as our mind grows tired of concentrating, the layer returns. I hesitate to say it's too late to change things because we got to this point after all, but I shudder at the thought of what kind of event would change the tide. I would do anything to be a part of that process though...whatever it was. I spoke about this "tingle" that remained with me for a few seconds after the intensity of my moment had subsided. Well, what if it DIDN'T disappear? What if it was still there and I had just grown numb from it? What if it was just sitting there, idle, waiting for me to realize it could blossom at any time?

Even after writing all this I'm very aware that my post tomorrow could be about my daily sorrows. I know this. And for someone who occasionally believes he possesses the strength to handle and accomplish anything, I don't dare fool myself into believing I can change that aspect of myself. I, also, have grown comfortable with my darkened disposition. I actually fear changing it. Why would I fear it? Imagine being the only person in the world to see heaven on earth. Imagine how much you would be hated. Imagine how despised you would be. Imagine not being able to share it with anyone. No, I suppose that would be like hell. Knowing we were all in heaven but not being able to get anyone else to understand. That would break my heart. That I couldn't take.

I often write in my journal, "what have we done with the world?" Well, maybe we haven't messed it up quite as bad as we think. Maybe we're just looking at it all wrong. A majority of the time I know I'm looking at it wrong. What I can't figure out is can I change that? And, more importantly, do I want to?

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST WATCH TV LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

Is the desire to make the world a better place an egotistical goal? Is it arrogant? Before I close my eyes for the last time I would like to think that I made a positive difference in the world - one that will ripple along for decades...maybe even forever. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Deep down in my soul I feel like I can achieve this goal. I suppose that's where the arrogance comes in. Anyhow, I firmly believe that the greatest contribution one can make to life is to raise a child well. That is a contribution that will touch and "ripple" for such a long time. But lets say that children aren't in my future - what is my alternative?

If a family isn't in the stars for me then I suppose the opportunities are pretty wide open. Almost as endless as the pain and injustice throughout the world that seeks a remedy. Where to start? What makes me think my ideals or ideas are right? What if my idea of change, backed by good intentions, is more harmful than positive? What if I reach above my potential? Maybe I don't have the talent to make a huge change in the world. Maybe I'm supposed to live life like so many people do, simply surviving and making a quiet contribution that may not be fully realized by anyone...but exists.

Can I be happy with a "quiet contribution" assuming I realize the positive impact I had? Even if it's only affecting one person? It sure seems less satisfying to me but I suppose I'll take what I can get. There are so many people that make quiet contributions in the world while simply trying to survive. But if I'm not going to have a family (an ordinary life) then I want to be extraordinary in another arena making positive strides. I almost feel it's a necessity in my life.

Oh geez, now that I re-read what I just wrote I feel more arrogant than ever. Feeling a necessity to be extraordinary? What makes me so special? What makes me believe I can be extraordinary? I don't know. I'm just at an exciting crossroads in my life where within the next year I think I will have the opportunity to decide where my life heads. But more than that, I feel like things have been set up in my life so that the near future lends itself to being my most productive. So what will I do? What should I do? I'll just keep chugging along and hoping I'm heading in the right direction...but I'm keeping my eyes open for something extraordinary...

YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT? (BROOKLYN ACCENT)

I will, most likely, never consider myself a "New Yorker." There are so many things I love about NYC - the fact that you can get ANYTHING delivered at 4 am on a Sunday, the energy, the classic movie theaters, the fruit stands, the skyline. I could go on. What I did not include in this list is, "the people." Now I've met some absolutely wonderful people in New York. I've made some great friends...BUT...overall I'm not a fan of the mentality here. Money rules Manhattan and it just seems so absurd to me. People (I'm generalizing) seem more concerned with the brand name of their over-sized sunglasses than anything else. And it sucks people in. I've witnessed first hand the arrival of fellow mid-westerners with their core religious values, eye's wide at the towering skyscrapers turn into Hyde. It doesn't take long before they are using their credit cards to buy goods while skimping on food. I understand the need to fit in...I just don't like it when "fitting in" means what it means in Manhattan.

As I said, I've made great friends in NYC but MOST of the people I meet I can't relate to, or don't want to relate to. The priorities are messed up. I think I mentioned in an earlier post about the evening I had with an ex-coworker (someone I would say is a friend but someone who fits in the above characterization), where her and her husband spent twenty minutes debating back and forth over who bought who the more expensive, prestigious gifts. It was shameful. It literally turned my stomach. I know I shouldn't be chastising people for how they want to live life. It's their prerogative. But, as you know, I'm searching for a greater peace and these types of life philosophies bother me. I feel like THEY are hurting themselves. But THEY seem happier than me so who's the idiot here? Anyhow, I also believe in social conditioning. I feel strongly for those who are given less of a chance in life because of what they were born into or events they encountered. I suppose I need to have the same sympathy for those on the other end of the spectrum as well. If sympathy is deserving...as I said, some appear to be happier than most so...

Having said all this I can't stand when people put NYC down. I do feel a kinship here. Sharing the city with 8 million people everyday, on the subway and across crowded streets will do that. I find New York lonely (a side-effect of the above mentality I think) and incredibly romantic as well. I will always have a place in my heart for New York. I just don't feel like I fit in with the majority of the inhabitants. Then again, I think that's something that makes New York great - everyone is represented.

Since I consider myself one giant paradox maybe New York City was the place for me. When the time comes for me to leave this city I'll tip my hat to it as I gallop along to a quieter retreat.

NO LONGER A GROUPIE

I've noticed a change in myself recently - I no longer enjoy group settings as I once did. I actually feel uncomfortable and uneasy at events with more than four people. And there are a lot of event with more than four people! Especially in NYC.

I doubt people notice...I'm still pretty good at carrying on a conversation but I no longer feel good about it. As I posted previously, I'm finding myself more and more annoyed with "small talk." And in group settings I feel that is the majority of the conversation. By far I prefer one-on-one, more intimate conversation. I'm a little concerned that I feel uncomfortable in group settings now. It's one thing not to like them as much but it's another to feel uneasy in them. Again, I doubt people notice...but I do.

I've really become a bit of a loner over the past two years. The times I go out with friends are typically because THEY contact me. I'm bad at staying in touch and often find myself preferring low key activities to a night of bar hopping with friends. Most of my weekends involve seeing classic movies...by myself. And then going to the park to write. I'm not complaining, this is my choice. I worry a little about WHY I prefer movies and writing to social functions. But I don't have much of an answer to it. If you told me three years ago that my life would become what it has I would place the odds at 1000 to 1. And I would have bet the house on it. And I would have lost the house.

Okay, I got off-topic. The entire point of this post comes down to this: Has my preference for low-key activities affected my social skills? I've had 31 years of what I'd consider exemplary social skills. Could two years of increased solitude-time already diminish those skills?

THE WORLD IS FLAT

I've been thinking a lot about where my life is right now and where it could end up in say 5 years. In the end I always come back to one question - what's the point? But that is such an abstract question that I've decided to refine it....so...in the end, what do I want to be proud of? And what do I want to be remembered for? I know friends who can answer these questions without missing a beat. Me? I feel like I could answer them differently each passing year. My answer to these questions now will, in all likelihood, be quite different in a year.

An even bigger question might be: are these the right kind of questions to be asking? I'm somewhat jealous of a friend of mine - she is a happy-go-lucky individual who believes the point to life is simply to enjoy it (I've blogged about this philosophy recently). As much as I would like to think that way, I'm just not able to. I try, but I feel something lacking. Maybe that will change in the future. For now I'll remain jealous of her and keep asking all these questions of which I will never find an answer. Having just written that last sentence I feel rather ridiculous.

GIDDY UP!

I'm boring. I can see how people could easily be "over me" in a short span of time. I'll grant myself that I have experienced a lot and have a wide variety of interests but I still think I'm boring. Actually, now that I just wrote that maybe boring isn't the right word. I think the better word is "exciting." I'm not very exciting. I think this has also been a big part of my problem with relationships. Women want to be excited, and I don't blame them. Who doesn't want to be excited? But I'm not very exciting. I'm practical. I'm an idealist with realist tendencies. I'm a dreamer that seldom shares those thoughts for fear of ridicule. I analyze EVERYTHING. I am emotionally open...but not on the topics I hold closest to my soul. I'm just not very exciting. I used to be exciting. That used to be the appeal for women. I used to drink a lot. I did drugs. I was argumentative and angry. I was rebellious against just about everything. I was opinionated. Women seemed to like that. Then I stopped drinking so much. I gave up drugs. I became more open-minded. I felt my anger subside. I became boring (or unexciting, whatever).

When I look in the mirror I wonder where that reckless boy went. Sometimes I want him to come back. Most of the time I'm glad he's gone. I just wish being me was more exciting. Actually, I'm happy with the "excitement" in my life - especially right now. I guess what I'm saying is I wish OTHER people found me exciting. The thought of that makes me laugh though. I can't see anyone finding me very exciting - not after the initial period at least.

A friend of mine from Texas said the following the other night, "At first girls think it's exciting to be with a cowboy (he's a cowboy) but after a while they can't understand why I can't be a cowboy just some of the time and not all the time. Well, I'm a cowboy." I guess I kind of feel the same way. At first I think women find my life fairly exciting - in a possibility kind of way. Then they see what my life actually entails and it just isn't very glamorous. How do you make writing and dreaming glamorous? I wish I knew. Maybe I should become a cowboy.

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I was watching a movie tonight (big surprise) where one of the characters told the following story, "I was laying on the beach when a butterfly landed next to me. It was a brown butterfly with red dots. It was just a foot away, not scared of me at all. They have short lifespans. I just watched it as it laid there opening and closing it's wings over and over again and it occurred to me that maybe that's what life is about. Enjoying the sand and the sun and just opening and closing our wings."

Now assuming that's true - assuming the meaning of life is to, essentially, enjoy it, is an interesting thought to me. Truly I like the idea as an okay alternative to working towards some higher ground or spiritual enlightenment and fulfillment. BUT how can we be expected to do so? Let me clarify. Say we buy into the aforementioned meaning of life theory but every day we hear about the ugly things going on in the world and the hardships so many people endure. How can we enjoy life when so many consider it hell? I don't think I can reconcile those two ideas.

SALVADORE DALI-ESQUE

This has been a strange summer. Good, but strange. I sort of feel like I'm in a surreal universe right now. Like I'm going to wake up and things will finally make sense. Ah, it was all just a dream...

But I'm pretty sure it's not a dream. And I'm not just referring to all the side-projects I have going on. It's the people I've been meeting and the activities I've been privy to. I was going to list examples of how these things are surreal but it's difficult. Surrealism as a whole is a difficult quality to explain. It would be like describing the characters in the movie Blue Velvet - odd and a bit strange but I'm not really sure how to describe "why."

In a strange way this surreal summer fits me. I feel somewhat comfortable in it while at the same time feeling anxious with it. I'm not sure that this post is making any sense at all, and no, I'm not drunk. I'm just having a tough time describing my current living situation. In any case, I'll just continue to hope things move in a positive direction and that my certain pending insanity hasn't arrived early.

On a side note - a met a girl who had surgery on her nipples to keep them constantly erect. She thinks it's a sexy quality. I'm not disagreeing...just wondering WHO DOES THAT?!

Surreal...

POOR SHOWING

As you've read I'm very excited about the things going on in my life right now. Its been encouraging - there have been indicators that things are headed in the right direction.

Last night I went out with a couple of friends that were visiting NYC - I hadn't seen them in close to ten years. They were asking me about how things are going and I filled them in on the events that have added some excitement to my life. Half way through the evening I felt like a dope. I felt like I was talking about all these "great" things and it made me look pompous or something. I always hated people that were always talking about all these things in their lives that were "so great." I never want to be that person. I grew very uncomfortable. I felt like they thought I was lying or trying to impress them. When in reality I was just telling the truth...but I still felt like a jerk. Do you know the kind of people I'm talking about? I never want to be like that. Anyhow, I think I'll just keep those things to myself for now on, except for when I'm speaking with really close friends. I think I made a poor showing last night. *sigh*

WOODY CAN BE GOODY

I'm feeling anxious. Don't know why. Maybe it's because my editing class is winding down - it's my last week. Or, more likely, it's because I find out if I get the consulting job I applied for within the next week. Have I mentioned that? I applied for a part-time marketing consultant job that runs from mid-August through the end of the year. It would be almost too perfect if I get the gig because it'll pay me enough to take up to a year off (if I wanted to) after the job is over AND it's only three days a week so I could continue writing and exploring life. Please keep your fingers crossed for me - I should have an answer by the middle of next week. How can I possibly complain about anything when this type of situation is available to me? I feel like such a dope sometimes.

Other than that I'm ready to start in on a new screenplay. Not sure what I'll write about but I have a few ideas. I feel like things are starting to come together for me. Like I'm headed in the right direction for the first time in my life. Of course, if I am headed in the right direction I don't think it's possible that it could be for the "first time in my life" because everything leading up to now has led me ...here. So...

Something has changed with me recently though. For the first time in my life (a true statement this time) I have lost my want for a girlfriend. I'm not saying I don't want it BUT the idea of getting into a relationship right now doesn't excite me. And that is not normal for me. I typically have regarded a relationship as the most important thing I could secure in my life. I no longer feel that way. I think if it happens, great. And if not, I'm actually (at least right now) okay with it. Ask me in two weeks and I'll probably give you a different answer but for right now it's real. I've had a few dates lately and as I sat across from the girl and got to know her I realized that I don't feel like putting the effort in that is needed to make a relationship work. I'd rather write and work at making movies. Ideally I'll meet someone who understands my priorities and is okay with it. Actually, I just need someone to understand me. Period. But I do feel like that is a pretty slim chance. But who knows.

The only time I've felt lonely recently (normally I ALWAYS feel lonely) was last Friday when I went to the Film Forum to see the movie Manhattan with my cousin and his wife. I was the third wheel and there were tons of couples holding hands in the audience. It would have been nice to be with someone. But overall, I've lost that desire a bit. Maybe I'm just focusing so much on everything else that I'm too busy to think about being lonely. Is that a good thing? Anyhow, it's a new situation for me - not constantly craving the perfect relationship. On a side note - the movie Manhattan is incredible. If you've ever been to NYC, or better yet, lived here, you need to see it. The dialogue is hilarious and its admiration for NYC is really romantic. Annie Hall and Manhattan are BY FAR my two favorite Woody Allen movies.

Sorry for the lengthy post - I've been bad at posting lately. After this week it should get more consistent.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER

A friend recently told me I need to relax. I thought that was odd because I'm typically considered by most people to be a laid back guy. In reality I'm somewhere in the middle. Anyhow, I asked this friend what he meant. He said, I don't think I've ever sat down with you when the conversation didn't turn to some political, philosophical or depressing topic.

He's right. I can't help it. It's what I love most about going to a bar or cafe and sharing conversation with people. I want to know their thoughts on the most intimate topics. It intrigues me. I get bored talking about television shows (unless that show is Seinfeld, Sopranos or the Simpsons) and I really don't care to talk about how the work day went. I want to know if they believe in god, and why or why not. I want to know if they believe in one true love, and why or why not. I want to know what makes them giddy inside, what their family is like and if they could be anything they wanted, what would they be? I can see how people could get really sick of my conversations. How they could even believe they were fake. But they aren't. I truly love this kind of stuff. Tell me a secret and you've given me a gift. I mean, what's more interesting in life than other people?

Yes, I know, I've said before that I could easily become a hermit. And I think I could. People annoy the shit out of me. But I still find them oh so interesting.

A GHOST STORY

Okay, I'm back. This has been a very busy month for me, but I have no complaints. Things are good. I am absolutely loving my film editing class right now. I've learned so much and have really enjoyed the projects. I've also continued writing and enjoying all the wonderful things New York City has to offer. As an example, in my film class we studied D.W. Griffith, a director from the silent film era, and so I was curious to see one of his films. Well, I looked up the movie show times for theaters in NYC and low and behold the Museum of Modern Art was showing a D.W. Griffith 1923 silent film over the weekend. Where else (at least in the U.S.) could I find a 1923 silent film at my beck and call but NYC? I love this city. Anyhow, it gets better. I go to see the film and they had a live piano player play music to the silent film - just like it would have been done in 1923. It was so cool. At least for a movie geek like me. Of course I couldn't find anyone interested in going with me, this is one of those things I like to do that others find boring. None the less, I really enjoyed it.

On a side note - A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend and wrote me an e-mail about how upset he was. He said the following which got me thinking, he said, "I had found my purpose in life and it was to make her smile. Now it's over." I've felt like this before but looking back I feel like it was a burst of emotion that wasn't reasonable. I believe in people having a purpose in life but I can't say I agree that it could be serving or loving ONE other person. I don't think that's a direct purpose. Maybe a side purpose. Does this make sense? I would love to be in a relationship with someone that "fits" me. But I don't know if I want my PURPOSE in life to be simply "to be in that relationship." Is this confusing? I feel like this is confusing. Anyhow, just something I was thinking about.

Lastly, I entered a screenwriting contest called the NYC Midnight Screenplay Competition. The competition has 600 people participating. We were all sent a genre and a subject last night at midnight. We have to write a 15 page screenplay about the topic within the genre in 1 week. Then a handful of people move on to the second round where we participate in the same process only this time we only get 24 hours to write the screenplay. My first round genre is: ghost story. The subject is: e-mail. Ugh, what a terribly difficult combination. Well, I'd better start working on this if I'm going to win. Wish me luck!

WORKING TOWARDS I KNOW NOT WHAT

I've often written about how ridiculous it seems to me that people dedicate their lives to working. I feel I can speak on the subject because I spent ten years doing the same.

Recently I've had to reconsider this principle of mine. I've been spending nearly every waking minute either writing, filming or practicing my digital editing. These are three of my favorite activities to participate in. The problem is, although I enjoy it, I've been dedicating my life to it. Is this a good thing? Should we ever spend a majority of our time doing only a handful of things? Will I miss out on anything by being so limited in my focus, thus becoming less well-rounded?

What if you liked your job? Would it be okay to dedicate the majority of your life to it? Should the test be whether you enjoy the activities or not?

These are a lot of questions. I guess what I really need to evaluate is - am I shunning human contact to an unhealthy degree due to the focus on my activities, and am I spending a majority of my time on activities I do not enjoy and/or are not lending positive aspects to life.

It also comes down to selfishness. I don't think you can just walk through life doing everything YOU want to do. I mean, sometimes people need you to put yourself aside for them. Hopefully it all evens out in the end.

Thoughts?

I COULD SEE MY BLIND DATE WAS HANDICAPPED

I mentioned a few posts back that I was going on a blind date this week. Well, it happened last night. First off, she is a really sweet woman, but she isn't right for me. And I'm not saying that just because she was slightly overweight...or because she had an artificial limb (it's true, I couldn't make this up).

She was very nervous during the date and even mentioned that she hadn't been on a lot of dates and was uncomfortable around the opposite sex. But as the night went on she calmed down a bit - I think it was just after she accidentally locked herself in the bathroom and had to have the restaurant workers break her out (again, can't make this up).

Okay, I'm being sarcastic with this post. Seriously, it was a pleasant evening. She was really sweet and I enjoyed her conversation...even if she didn't ask me any questions about myself...she referred to herself as "a talker."

The thing is, I don't want to hurt the girl. She was too kind and had an obviously difficult dating life so I wasn't sure how to break it to her that I was only interested in friendship. At the end of the evening I told her that it's tough to meet people in NYC and I really enjoyed going out and meeting someone new - outside of my usual group of friends. I told her I was really concentrating on film and business ventures and finding time to go out will be tough (which is true). So I'm hoping she understands my position. Anyhow, she was different from the vast majority of people I meet so I feel fortunate to have crossed her path and learned of her struggles and desires. I really hope she finds the right person for her. And I really don't want to contribute to any further disappointments for her. This is the part of dating that I hate.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A THREE YEAR OLD?

I babysat my cousin's kids last night and one of the little munchkins threw up on me. That sucked. But that's not what I wanted to write about.

Every time I babysit for my cousin I look at his two kids (ages 3 and 1) in awe that I, also, was once that age. Exploring everything I could get my hands on. Asking "why" to questions that don't even warrant a "why". Looking in wide-eyed wonder at each new aspect of each new day. Not wanting to sleep - afraid I'd miss something.

I often think that if we could go through life with this type of wonder each day, we would accomplish so much more, be so much happier and respect life to the degree it deserves. But we take for granted everything we have. And I am as guilty of this as anyone can be. When did it stop? When did I lose that twinkle in my eye? When did things stop surprising me?

People often say we can learn life's greatest lessons from the children around us. I agree. But do we practice what we learn?