GIDDY UP!

I'm boring. I can see how people could easily be "over me" in a short span of time. I'll grant myself that I have experienced a lot and have a wide variety of interests but I still think I'm boring. Actually, now that I just wrote that maybe boring isn't the right word. I think the better word is "exciting." I'm not very exciting. I think this has also been a big part of my problem with relationships. Women want to be excited, and I don't blame them. Who doesn't want to be excited? But I'm not very exciting. I'm practical. I'm an idealist with realist tendencies. I'm a dreamer that seldom shares those thoughts for fear of ridicule. I analyze EVERYTHING. I am emotionally open...but not on the topics I hold closest to my soul. I'm just not very exciting. I used to be exciting. That used to be the appeal for women. I used to drink a lot. I did drugs. I was argumentative and angry. I was rebellious against just about everything. I was opinionated. Women seemed to like that. Then I stopped drinking so much. I gave up drugs. I became more open-minded. I felt my anger subside. I became boring (or unexciting, whatever).

When I look in the mirror I wonder where that reckless boy went. Sometimes I want him to come back. Most of the time I'm glad he's gone. I just wish being me was more exciting. Actually, I'm happy with the "excitement" in my life - especially right now. I guess what I'm saying is I wish OTHER people found me exciting. The thought of that makes me laugh though. I can't see anyone finding me very exciting - not after the initial period at least.

A friend of mine from Texas said the following the other night, "At first girls think it's exciting to be with a cowboy (he's a cowboy) but after a while they can't understand why I can't be a cowboy just some of the time and not all the time. Well, I'm a cowboy." I guess I kind of feel the same way. At first I think women find my life fairly exciting - in a possibility kind of way. Then they see what my life actually entails and it just isn't very glamorous. How do you make writing and dreaming glamorous? I wish I knew. Maybe I should become a cowboy.

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I was watching a movie tonight (big surprise) where one of the characters told the following story, "I was laying on the beach when a butterfly landed next to me. It was a brown butterfly with red dots. It was just a foot away, not scared of me at all. They have short lifespans. I just watched it as it laid there opening and closing it's wings over and over again and it occurred to me that maybe that's what life is about. Enjoying the sand and the sun and just opening and closing our wings."

Now assuming that's true - assuming the meaning of life is to, essentially, enjoy it, is an interesting thought to me. Truly I like the idea as an okay alternative to working towards some higher ground or spiritual enlightenment and fulfillment. BUT how can we be expected to do so? Let me clarify. Say we buy into the aforementioned meaning of life theory but every day we hear about the ugly things going on in the world and the hardships so many people endure. How can we enjoy life when so many consider it hell? I don't think I can reconcile those two ideas.

SALVADORE DALI-ESQUE

This has been a strange summer. Good, but strange. I sort of feel like I'm in a surreal universe right now. Like I'm going to wake up and things will finally make sense. Ah, it was all just a dream...

But I'm pretty sure it's not a dream. And I'm not just referring to all the side-projects I have going on. It's the people I've been meeting and the activities I've been privy to. I was going to list examples of how these things are surreal but it's difficult. Surrealism as a whole is a difficult quality to explain. It would be like describing the characters in the movie Blue Velvet - odd and a bit strange but I'm not really sure how to describe "why."

In a strange way this surreal summer fits me. I feel somewhat comfortable in it while at the same time feeling anxious with it. I'm not sure that this post is making any sense at all, and no, I'm not drunk. I'm just having a tough time describing my current living situation. In any case, I'll just continue to hope things move in a positive direction and that my certain pending insanity hasn't arrived early.

On a side note - a met a girl who had surgery on her nipples to keep them constantly erect. She thinks it's a sexy quality. I'm not disagreeing...just wondering WHO DOES THAT?!

Surreal...

POOR SHOWING

As you've read I'm very excited about the things going on in my life right now. Its been encouraging - there have been indicators that things are headed in the right direction.

Last night I went out with a couple of friends that were visiting NYC - I hadn't seen them in close to ten years. They were asking me about how things are going and I filled them in on the events that have added some excitement to my life. Half way through the evening I felt like a dope. I felt like I was talking about all these "great" things and it made me look pompous or something. I always hated people that were always talking about all these things in their lives that were "so great." I never want to be that person. I grew very uncomfortable. I felt like they thought I was lying or trying to impress them. When in reality I was just telling the truth...but I still felt like a jerk. Do you know the kind of people I'm talking about? I never want to be like that. Anyhow, I think I'll just keep those things to myself for now on, except for when I'm speaking with really close friends. I think I made a poor showing last night. *sigh*

WOODY CAN BE GOODY

I'm feeling anxious. Don't know why. Maybe it's because my editing class is winding down - it's my last week. Or, more likely, it's because I find out if I get the consulting job I applied for within the next week. Have I mentioned that? I applied for a part-time marketing consultant job that runs from mid-August through the end of the year. It would be almost too perfect if I get the gig because it'll pay me enough to take up to a year off (if I wanted to) after the job is over AND it's only three days a week so I could continue writing and exploring life. Please keep your fingers crossed for me - I should have an answer by the middle of next week. How can I possibly complain about anything when this type of situation is available to me? I feel like such a dope sometimes.

Other than that I'm ready to start in on a new screenplay. Not sure what I'll write about but I have a few ideas. I feel like things are starting to come together for me. Like I'm headed in the right direction for the first time in my life. Of course, if I am headed in the right direction I don't think it's possible that it could be for the "first time in my life" because everything leading up to now has led me ...here. So...

Something has changed with me recently though. For the first time in my life (a true statement this time) I have lost my want for a girlfriend. I'm not saying I don't want it BUT the idea of getting into a relationship right now doesn't excite me. And that is not normal for me. I typically have regarded a relationship as the most important thing I could secure in my life. I no longer feel that way. I think if it happens, great. And if not, I'm actually (at least right now) okay with it. Ask me in two weeks and I'll probably give you a different answer but for right now it's real. I've had a few dates lately and as I sat across from the girl and got to know her I realized that I don't feel like putting the effort in that is needed to make a relationship work. I'd rather write and work at making movies. Ideally I'll meet someone who understands my priorities and is okay with it. Actually, I just need someone to understand me. Period. But I do feel like that is a pretty slim chance. But who knows.

The only time I've felt lonely recently (normally I ALWAYS feel lonely) was last Friday when I went to the Film Forum to see the movie Manhattan with my cousin and his wife. I was the third wheel and there were tons of couples holding hands in the audience. It would have been nice to be with someone. But overall, I've lost that desire a bit. Maybe I'm just focusing so much on everything else that I'm too busy to think about being lonely. Is that a good thing? Anyhow, it's a new situation for me - not constantly craving the perfect relationship. On a side note - the movie Manhattan is incredible. If you've ever been to NYC, or better yet, lived here, you need to see it. The dialogue is hilarious and its admiration for NYC is really romantic. Annie Hall and Manhattan are BY FAR my two favorite Woody Allen movies.

Sorry for the lengthy post - I've been bad at posting lately. After this week it should get more consistent.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER

A friend recently told me I need to relax. I thought that was odd because I'm typically considered by most people to be a laid back guy. In reality I'm somewhere in the middle. Anyhow, I asked this friend what he meant. He said, I don't think I've ever sat down with you when the conversation didn't turn to some political, philosophical or depressing topic.

He's right. I can't help it. It's what I love most about going to a bar or cafe and sharing conversation with people. I want to know their thoughts on the most intimate topics. It intrigues me. I get bored talking about television shows (unless that show is Seinfeld, Sopranos or the Simpsons) and I really don't care to talk about how the work day went. I want to know if they believe in god, and why or why not. I want to know if they believe in one true love, and why or why not. I want to know what makes them giddy inside, what their family is like and if they could be anything they wanted, what would they be? I can see how people could get really sick of my conversations. How they could even believe they were fake. But they aren't. I truly love this kind of stuff. Tell me a secret and you've given me a gift. I mean, what's more interesting in life than other people?

Yes, I know, I've said before that I could easily become a hermit. And I think I could. People annoy the shit out of me. But I still find them oh so interesting.

A GHOST STORY

Okay, I'm back. This has been a very busy month for me, but I have no complaints. Things are good. I am absolutely loving my film editing class right now. I've learned so much and have really enjoyed the projects. I've also continued writing and enjoying all the wonderful things New York City has to offer. As an example, in my film class we studied D.W. Griffith, a director from the silent film era, and so I was curious to see one of his films. Well, I looked up the movie show times for theaters in NYC and low and behold the Museum of Modern Art was showing a D.W. Griffith 1923 silent film over the weekend. Where else (at least in the U.S.) could I find a 1923 silent film at my beck and call but NYC? I love this city. Anyhow, it gets better. I go to see the film and they had a live piano player play music to the silent film - just like it would have been done in 1923. It was so cool. At least for a movie geek like me. Of course I couldn't find anyone interested in going with me, this is one of those things I like to do that others find boring. None the less, I really enjoyed it.

On a side note - A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend and wrote me an e-mail about how upset he was. He said the following which got me thinking, he said, "I had found my purpose in life and it was to make her smile. Now it's over." I've felt like this before but looking back I feel like it was a burst of emotion that wasn't reasonable. I believe in people having a purpose in life but I can't say I agree that it could be serving or loving ONE other person. I don't think that's a direct purpose. Maybe a side purpose. Does this make sense? I would love to be in a relationship with someone that "fits" me. But I don't know if I want my PURPOSE in life to be simply "to be in that relationship." Is this confusing? I feel like this is confusing. Anyhow, just something I was thinking about.

Lastly, I entered a screenwriting contest called the NYC Midnight Screenplay Competition. The competition has 600 people participating. We were all sent a genre and a subject last night at midnight. We have to write a 15 page screenplay about the topic within the genre in 1 week. Then a handful of people move on to the second round where we participate in the same process only this time we only get 24 hours to write the screenplay. My first round genre is: ghost story. The subject is: e-mail. Ugh, what a terribly difficult combination. Well, I'd better start working on this if I'm going to win. Wish me luck!

WORKING TOWARDS I KNOW NOT WHAT

I've often written about how ridiculous it seems to me that people dedicate their lives to working. I feel I can speak on the subject because I spent ten years doing the same.

Recently I've had to reconsider this principle of mine. I've been spending nearly every waking minute either writing, filming or practicing my digital editing. These are three of my favorite activities to participate in. The problem is, although I enjoy it, I've been dedicating my life to it. Is this a good thing? Should we ever spend a majority of our time doing only a handful of things? Will I miss out on anything by being so limited in my focus, thus becoming less well-rounded?

What if you liked your job? Would it be okay to dedicate the majority of your life to it? Should the test be whether you enjoy the activities or not?

These are a lot of questions. I guess what I really need to evaluate is - am I shunning human contact to an unhealthy degree due to the focus on my activities, and am I spending a majority of my time on activities I do not enjoy and/or are not lending positive aspects to life.

It also comes down to selfishness. I don't think you can just walk through life doing everything YOU want to do. I mean, sometimes people need you to put yourself aside for them. Hopefully it all evens out in the end.

Thoughts?

I COULD SEE MY BLIND DATE WAS HANDICAPPED

I mentioned a few posts back that I was going on a blind date this week. Well, it happened last night. First off, she is a really sweet woman, but she isn't right for me. And I'm not saying that just because she was slightly overweight...or because she had an artificial limb (it's true, I couldn't make this up).

She was very nervous during the date and even mentioned that she hadn't been on a lot of dates and was uncomfortable around the opposite sex. But as the night went on she calmed down a bit - I think it was just after she accidentally locked herself in the bathroom and had to have the restaurant workers break her out (again, can't make this up).

Okay, I'm being sarcastic with this post. Seriously, it was a pleasant evening. She was really sweet and I enjoyed her conversation...even if she didn't ask me any questions about myself...she referred to herself as "a talker."

The thing is, I don't want to hurt the girl. She was too kind and had an obviously difficult dating life so I wasn't sure how to break it to her that I was only interested in friendship. At the end of the evening I told her that it's tough to meet people in NYC and I really enjoyed going out and meeting someone new - outside of my usual group of friends. I told her I was really concentrating on film and business ventures and finding time to go out will be tough (which is true). So I'm hoping she understands my position. Anyhow, she was different from the vast majority of people I meet so I feel fortunate to have crossed her path and learned of her struggles and desires. I really hope she finds the right person for her. And I really don't want to contribute to any further disappointments for her. This is the part of dating that I hate.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A THREE YEAR OLD?

I babysat my cousin's kids last night and one of the little munchkins threw up on me. That sucked. But that's not what I wanted to write about.

Every time I babysit for my cousin I look at his two kids (ages 3 and 1) in awe that I, also, was once that age. Exploring everything I could get my hands on. Asking "why" to questions that don't even warrant a "why". Looking in wide-eyed wonder at each new aspect of each new day. Not wanting to sleep - afraid I'd miss something.

I often think that if we could go through life with this type of wonder each day, we would accomplish so much more, be so much happier and respect life to the degree it deserves. But we take for granted everything we have. And I am as guilty of this as anyone can be. When did it stop? When did I lose that twinkle in my eye? When did things stop surprising me?

People often say we can learn life's greatest lessons from the children around us. I agree. But do we practice what we learn?

TOP HEADLINE: HUMANS HATE THE WORLD

Every morning I wake up, walk to the computer and read the same 5 websites. Drudgereport.com, cnn.com, espn.com, freep.com and hotmail.com (my e-mail).

I don't know why I start my day off this way. Sometimes when I read the headlines on cnn.com or drudgereport.com my heart sinks and I lose all the morning energy I had just five minutes prior to reading these sites. Can the world really be this much of a mess? Has it always been this much of a mess but now we report on it more efficiently? This world has so much for all of us to embrace yet we kill each other and destroy the planet while doing so. Power, money and greed seem to have made their way across the globe and now it's a self-centered fight to the finish.

The people who seem to have a more enlightened view of life, and the world as a whole, are being shackled. Shackled by what I don't know. Fear? Or maybe having a better understanding of life makes you meeker during the battles being fought by society on a daily basis. Maybe there's an idea that no matter what one person says or does, the world's problems will never be remedied. Or maybe they aren't supposed to be "fixed."

I always liked the idea of there being a balance to life. But only when "balance" means even. If we could all just be on an even scale of understanding, acceptance and love. But we aren't. I'm afraid that anymore "balance" represents half the world being "up" and the other half being "down." No one should be born into either of these halves. It's not fair to anyone on either side.

Here are today's top headlines:

A car bomb in London is defused.
Five soldiers die in Baghdad
Wildfire evacuees return to view scorched homes
Friends saw cheerleaders SUV hit truck
80,000 hit by South Asia monsoon floods
Harry Potter star nervous at first kiss

Uh, do any of these feel out of place? I may have to save my celebrity-obsession rant for another day...

ALL BLACK PEOPLE LISTEN TO GANGSTER RAP AND HATE WHITEY

I had drinks with a friend last night. I haven't seen him in close to six months so we had a lot to catch up on. I cherish the conversations I have with this friend because we come from two very different worlds but can talk calmly about tough topics without hating each other for our unique perspectives.

This friend of mine is an African-American from the ghetto in Brooklyn. He has made something great out of his life, especially considering where he has come from. Last night we discussed race relations in American and it was an enlightened conversation, as always. I find it difficult to accept sometimes that the color of someones skin can still affect perceptions before any factual information is used. I can be guilty of this at times as well. I wonder if we'll ever get to a place where color, gender and religion don't lead to a stereotyped perception. I don't even know if that's possible as I'm afraid human nature plays a role here. But it would solve a lot of problems.

Basically, we discussed how a better educational system is needed to help us achieve true equality. In America there is no debate that equality, like anything, can be achieved through the one thing that America loves most...money. Education can lead to financial security thus helping racial integration, acceptance and equality. It's such a pro and con of this country.

MERMAID PARADE

Here are a few of the photos from the Mermaid Parade - click on the photos for a larger image. See the following post for a description of this surreal event.

UPDATE, UPDATE!

Man, it's been too long since I last blogged. Where to start?

How about Jury duty. We deliberated this past Monday and eventually, after much discussion, decided on a unanimous guilty verdict for all 5 charges (3 counts of Robbery, Assault with a deadly weapon and possession of an illegal firearm). I feel very secure with our verdict but when you stand in front of an accused man, with his family standing behind him, and have to say "guilty" five times, it is disheartening and sad. A man's life just changed and I played a role. I'm glad I have fulfilled my duty for at least another six years.

Last Saturday I attended the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. It's the most bizarre parade on earth...I'm sure of it. I've posted some pics above. Now, I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm about to say because I LOVE Coney Island for everything it is and everything it isn't BUT the Mermaid Parade is the trashiest thing I've ever seen. And thousands of parents bring their children to the parade to take pictures and watch. It's extremely surreal. I love it.

I've also been set up on a blind date scheduled for next Tuesday. I called the girl tonight and we spoke for an hour...I should say SHE spoke for an hour. I basically said things like, "uh huh", "right", and "definitely." At the end of our conversation she described herself as "having a wide face." Now, I'm not a snob and I don't need a girl to be "hot" but I'm a little scared. A wide face? Doesn't that pretty much imply a wide ass? A wide everything? People constantly refer to me as a "lucky" person and I can't really disagree but when it comes to women, I'm not the luckiest at all. I'm hoping Tuesday turns out better than I'm expecting. Stay tuned...

MY 200th POST!!!

This is my 200th post! When I started this blog I wondered if I would keep it going. At the time I think I really just needed a release from some issues in my life. So far this blog has evolved from a place where I was vague with my emotionally-disconnected self, to a place where I may have been too emotionally-open for my own comfort, to a place where I feel a balance in my posts. And along the way I made my first bloggy friend (Hi Lachramae) and kept an old friend (Hi Polly) along for the ride. I'm pretty sure you are the only two reading this blog, but that's okay to me. I'll forgive you if you happen across some cool guys blog that has more commenter's than mine and decide to ditch poor ol' Pagoda. I'll live...but I can't promise I won't write disparaging posts about you daily...which of course you will never know about because you will have ditched me. I'm just saying.

Today was the first day of testimony in the trial I am a jury member for. It was really quite sad. I can't really talk about the details but the two men involved in this shooting were friends for over 6 years. They knew each others families, children and attended social events together. Then a real estate deal gone bad ruined their friendship and ended in a shooting between the two. Money can be (and usually is) evil.

TO CONTROL A LIFE

I have been chosen for jury duty. At first, I was hoping not to be picked because I was afraid it would conflict with the film editing class I want to take in July. However, after the judge said he expected the trial to end within four days, I started to get excited about it. The court system here really amazes and intrigues me. I'm actually quite proud of it.

The man on trial is being accused of robbing a house, shooting a man (but not killing him) and carrying an illegal weapon. I'm one of twelve people who will listen to the witnesses and evidence for and against this man and, in the end, have to decide if he is guilty or innocent. The one thing the judge continuously told us as he was questioning the potential jurors is that this man is presumed innocent. He is only presumed guilty once the prosecutor has provided enough evidence to end the presumption of innocence. I like that.

It won't affect my judgement in the case BUT I kept looking over at the accused man and couldn't help but wonder what must be going through his head. What was his life like before being arrested? If he is found guilty, what is he most afraid of losing? This man's life will most likely change either way but a guilty verdict could devastate it. How scared he must be.

And the State of New York has asked me to help determine his fate. I will be elated if I get to cast a not guilty vote with a clear conscience after this case. I will, I think, feel deeply saddened if I need to cast a guilty vote to keep a clear conscience. Stay tuned...the trial starts tomorrow.

I DOUBT THIS POST IS ANY GOOD

Okay, here is another movie recommendation. I watched an independent film called, "The Puffy Chair." For what it is, a low-budget, hand-held movie, I really enjoyed it. Without giving anything away - the premise of the film could be described as "when in true love, do you know absolutely?"

I've had friends who told me, "You just know." They say you have a feeling inside you that contains no doubt. It's a beautiful thought, and that's how I'd want it to be but part of me just can't believe this is true. I'm the type of person where I ALWAYS have doubt...with EVERYTHING. My brain consistently looks for the "traps" involved in any situation. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not having doubt creep into my mind. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I'm built that way. See!...doubt!

I know this is an incredibly depressing thought but, my best guess is that everyone settles. People just give up. I think some people just grow tired so they take the next step with who ever they are with. And other's truly believe in their love but after time goes by they question they made the right decision. I just feel like everyone settles. I hope I'm wrong.

I may have mentioned this before but the last time I was home my mom talked about her wedding day. She said it was the happiest day of her life...but the next morning she laid in bed wondering if she hadn't just made the biggest mistake of her life. And she cried for a week. To this day (after 35 years of marriage) she thinks my father probably wasn't the "one" for her but they have worked hard to make it work. Now, if after 35 years I can end up with the strength in love that my parents currently share, I'll be a blessed man. But all the same, it's a depressing situation to me. I understand love takes work but it doesn't seem right to me that it would take THAT much work. But what do I know.

UNDER THE BOARDWALK

CLICK ON THE PHOTOS TO ENLARGE

Friday I spent the day taking photos at Coney Island. Here are a couple photos I thought were interesting. The top one is of a building that closed on the boardwalk thirty years ago. You can see an old man sunbathing in a chair under the building (lower-right). Doesn't it look surreal? Anyhow, the second photo was taken from under the boardwalk. I found a hole in a fence and climbed through it to see what the underside of Coney Island was like. Pretty much as expected.

COCAINE COWBOYS

I watched an amazing documentary yesterday called, "Cocaine Cowboys." If you get chance to rent this you won't be disappointed. It shows the ruthlessness of the cocaine trade in Miami (in the 70's and 80's).

Part of the documentary is with a man that confessed to killing an insane number of people. He tells his stories with little remorse. It's chilling to see a man talk about shooting someone in the head and then follow it up with a sentence like, "it was just business." I find it interesting because I feel like he didn't care about his life but, in a way, he held it above all others.

I won't give anything else away in case you decide to see it but make sure you watch the special features on the DVD as well. It has some really interesting stories in there too.

MORE THAN CLOWNS AND MIDGETS

I wanted to share something I saw in a documentary recently. I was watching a PBS documentary from 1992 concerning Coney Island. Now, as I've written a few times before, I'm obsessed with Coney Island. It is such a bizarre place to me and often as a wander around the boardwalk there I feel like Alice in Wonderland...only with a penis.

A segment of the documentary talked about a time in the early 1900's when one of the most popular amusement parks in Coney Island burnt down. The next day the owner of the now non-existent park addresses the public and said this, "I have problems today that I didn't have yesterday. And the problems I had yesterday I no longer have today."

I love that quote. I think it shows a man that understood the proper perspective of life. What is really important in life? Day to day issues are often less important than we make them out to be. Maybe the only thing truly important in life is having the opportunity to continue living.