Alright I'm just going to say it. I've beat around the bush for too long. I've written about this topic constantly but I've been hiding something from you...and me.
I'm afraid of relationships. There. I've said it. I don't think I'm afraid of BEING in a relationship, I think I'm afraid of being WRONG about a relationship. After all, I've been wrong about every one I've been in! I really don't trust my heart and mind to work together. They don't seem very good in tandem. In fact, I think they got into a fight when I was little and have ceased communication ever since. I've been in a couple of relationships where I truly saw a long-term future. By "saw" I mean "felt", because I think a strong emotion hid whatever signs may have indicated that that emotion was unrealistic. I understand that an emotion is always true but when it leads to naive perceptions I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And as I grow older that fear grows greater. But not greater in a deeper sense. Greater in the sense that there is more of it. For instance, now I fear that I won't trust my emotion to a point that it will take relationships longer to evolve into a deeper union. This scares me more than anything. And here is where it really causes problems - women look at my lack of openness as a sign of distrust towards them (which I don't blame them), when I think the truth is that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that emotion.
I really hope that my current desire to remain single and concentrate on writing isn't a product of this fear as well. I think that would be tragic. I don't know that I'd ever forgive myself if that were deemed true. Life is too short for this shit. I'm just having trouble breaking out of it.
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