WHY?

I think I complain a lot about the "state of society." Often I post about the crisis many people face in the world and the unfortunate existence people have to endure. I don't feel that way all the time. I mean, I do...I recognize that these hardships exist constantly, but every once in a while I'll have this moment that, for an instant, removes it from my heart and mind. This "moment" is a brief example of what I imagine heaven to be like. Yesterday I experienced this personal nirvana. I was strolling down the sidewalk, taking a walk around my neighborhood. The sky was clear and the sun was shining brightly - I was watching my shadow mimic me on the nearby wall. As usual I had my headphones on, I think a tune from a 70's compilation was playing. I can't remember what song it was. It doesn't really matter. Then it happened. I had my "moment." I was filled with an intensity. A good intensity. A joyful intensity. It ran through my entire body. I may have even shivered. It's such a powerful feeling, as if I can accomplish anything. As if everything is perfect. I felt like I could burst. I looked around me and saw the tall apartment complexes, the children riding bikes, the Hispanic men on the corner waiting for work, and the intensity climbed. It peaked. My pace quickened and my head was high. I turned the corner and it was gone. It left my body but a small piece of it remained. I could feel it tingling ever so lightly. Soon it would be gone as well. This "moment" happens to me occasionally. Not often, but every once in a while.

I wonder how great it would be to have that feeling all the time. Shouldn't we all? I mean, although I can have a bleak disposition more often than not, doesn't it make more sense that it should be the reverse? I love these "moments" I have because when I look around all I see is beauty. I hesitate to call it "love" only because I'm not sure it's that exactly. None-the-less, "love" is the only word I can think of that carries the power I'm trying to relay. Truly, I look around and everything seems such an amazing gift. A miracle. Even things that I looked at hours before as an ugly blemish on the world, now looks stunningly beautiful. And soon, after that crumb of a tingle dissipates, I'll see it again as a discouraging blemish I'm cursed to see. Why?

Partly I think we do it to ourselves. Watch a newscast, you'll see story after story of the most depressing events possible. Events so sad that even the most creative mind would hesitate to allow it entrance. And the news not only reports it, but sensationalises it. You know why I think they do that? Because it creates an emotion. Even if it's a sad emotion, it's an emotion. And we remember emotions. It would be much more difficult to create an emotion similar to the moment I described before. I don't even think that's possible. So they create the emotion it can. But in doing so I think we fall into an emotional shackle where we start to see things in a darker light. Eventually, after decades of this evolution of a darkened outlook it becomes a part of us. We grow accustomed to it. We even begin to love it. It makes us feel safe in a way. Which is highly ironic considering it can be born of fear. I should clarify that - it makes us feel safe because it sets the bar of life so low. It would be hard to fail. It even gives us an excuse.

I wish I could change my outlook so that I had these "moments" more often. So that I saw the beauty that I know exists, more often. That's the thing, I know the beauty is there...in everything. It's just clouded by a thick layer of life. A layer of life that has been handed down from generation to generation with a darker tint than the generation before. Eventually we have to really concentrate to see the beauty. But as our mind grows tired of concentrating, the layer returns. I hesitate to say it's too late to change things because we got to this point after all, but I shudder at the thought of what kind of event would change the tide. I would do anything to be a part of that process though...whatever it was. I spoke about this "tingle" that remained with me for a few seconds after the intensity of my moment had subsided. Well, what if it DIDN'T disappear? What if it was still there and I had just grown numb from it? What if it was just sitting there, idle, waiting for me to realize it could blossom at any time?

Even after writing all this I'm very aware that my post tomorrow could be about my daily sorrows. I know this. And for someone who occasionally believes he possesses the strength to handle and accomplish anything, I don't dare fool myself into believing I can change that aspect of myself. I, also, have grown comfortable with my darkened disposition. I actually fear changing it. Why would I fear it? Imagine being the only person in the world to see heaven on earth. Imagine how much you would be hated. Imagine how despised you would be. Imagine not being able to share it with anyone. No, I suppose that would be like hell. Knowing we were all in heaven but not being able to get anyone else to understand. That would break my heart. That I couldn't take.

I often write in my journal, "what have we done with the world?" Well, maybe we haven't messed it up quite as bad as we think. Maybe we're just looking at it all wrong. A majority of the time I know I'm looking at it wrong. What I can't figure out is can I change that? And, more importantly, do I want to?